


The Seven Deadly Spats

by rownthehabbitdole



Series: Seven Deadly Spats [1]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events, ASOUE, Lemony Snicket - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Seven Deadly Spats, Alternate Universe - Six Baudelaires, Bi Carmelita Spats, Bisexual Violet Baudelaire, Demi Carmelita Spats, F/F, F/M, Gay Duncan Quagmire, Gay Klaus Baudelaire, Lesbian Isadora Quagmire, M/M, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven deadly spats, lots of bi, lots of gay, six baudelaires, vfd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 22:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 68,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20198914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rownthehabbitdole/pseuds/rownthehabbitdole
Summary: Disclaimer:Based around the Six Baudelaires AU by unfortunate-stranger-losers (that’s the tumblr I’m really sorry I don’t remember what the name is on here but I can check later)Also created with a TON of help from the lovely folks on the VFDiscord, god blessBasically, imagine the life of the Baudelaires if, when they make their way to Prufrock Prep they face not just Carmelita Spats, but her six siblings as well.Each of the Spats is based on one of the seven deadly sins, and if I do say so myself, they’re pretty dope.More information if y'all want it: https://askvfd.tumblr.com/post/186946192246/seven-deadly-spats-au-masterlistI hope y’all enjoy!





	1. The Seven Deadly Spats

The Spats Siblings were perhaps the most well known group in all of Prufrock Preparatory School, because they were quite simply the most memorable.   
They held themselves to a higher standard of living, because they were the most amazing children to have ever been born, and there was never a moment in their lives where they hesitated to let the people around them know that. The people who they said this to usually agreed with them, although it was hard to know if they were doing so because they actually considered the Spats to be the most amazing children on the planet, or if it was because each of the seven (yes that’s right, seven) were outstandingly erratic and overall terrifying.   
The Seven were lounging in the common area of their dorms, doing something between playing with each other and ignoring each other, as siblings are so talented at doing.   
Lilith, the eldest of the Spats, was pacing around the room. This wasn’t an unusual thing, and it fact it could hardly be considered pacing based on the sheer amount of confidence that went into each step. Pacing tended to describe the movement of someone who was frantic or confused or even unsure of themselves, and you’d be hard pressed to find Lilith Spats embodying any of those things. She sighed, spinning on her heel to face her siblings, “We need something fun to do. Everything there is to be done at this school already has been! We need ideas, people,” She finished this declaration with a well practiced pout, made all the more effective by the pale white skin that dripped through the middle of her lips.   
Lilith’s triplet Richie, who also happened to be the eldest boy, was fully sprawled across one of the couches when he spoke up in response, “Lil, sweetheart, don’t even worry about it. I’ve got this new trick I’m learning how to do that’ll literally blow people’s socks off.”  
“Blow their socks off like cause an explosion, or blow their socks off like you’re misusing the word literally?” Lilith snapped back at him.  
Richie raised an eyebrow at her but continued with what he was doing, fidgeting around with a deck of cards and practicing his shuffle. When he finally spoke again he had shuffled the deck three times and then managed to make them disappear. Only then did he seem inclined to laugh warmly, “It’s a little bit of both, sis. Something along the lines of me stealing their socks. Now, why’re you so tense, huh?” He propped himself up on his elbow so that he could look at her more closely, his brows wiggling, “How long has it been since you last got some sugar?”   
“Gross!” Shouted Veruca, the third of the triplets. She was sitting on the floor and was leaned up against one of the couches, and although she’d been doing absolutely nothing for quite some time she managed to whip around and face her older brother faster than anyone had expected. Pulling a pin cushion out of her pocket, Veruca threw it at his head as she continued to complain, “You can’t ask our sister something like that, Richie! God, that’s so creepy.”  
Richie had managed to dodge the pin cushion and was chuckling lightly, “Sorry, Veruca. Sorry, Lilith. I’m just looking out for my big sister,” And a moment later, after the two girls had released the tense balance of their shoulders he quickly added, “Just tell me, do you still remember what the sugar bowl looks like? Or has it been so long you’ve forgotten that too?”  
Veruca grabbed another pin cushion from her pocket, this time managing to hit Richie squarely on the forehead.   
The three fifteen year olds stared at each other, their thick black curls and matching expressions making them look more similar than they’d care to admit, and then they burst into laughter and turned away.   
Carmelita, the fourth of the Spats and the only redhead, rolled her eyes so intensely that one might worry they could fall out of her head. Once one had spoken to Carmelita, however, that worry would fall away, not because she rolled her eyes any less violently, but because then one could see what an extremely angry little girl young Carmelita truly was. If there were an award for the most prideful and nasty child in the world, Carmelita would surely have won it.  
In fact, even if she didn’t, she’d be more than likely to insist she deserved it and snatch it out of your hands anyway. This warped sense of self confidence quickly quelled most people’s compassion for her.  
Which, in fact, was part of the reason she acted that way.   
The redhead pulled her legs up and crossed them tightly under her so they were no longer dangling next to Richie’s head from where she sat, perched on the back of the couch. She leaned back against Lilith, who had moved to stand behind her, and then she spoke in the righteous and nasally tone of a thirteen year old who is tired of her brothers and sisters, (which, in fact, she was) “This whole conversation is stupid anyway. First of all, the only reason people get so obsessed with doing fun or cool things is because they want to be notable. Our family doesn’t have to worry about that, because we have me! And since I’m the most noted and wonderful girl in the whole world, we could basically just never do anything ever again and we’d still be fine.”  
Veruca didn’t bother turning around this time, but they could all hear the smile in her voice, “I like that plan. No more doing anything.”   
Lilith huffed and pushed Carmelita off of her, storming away to cross back in front of the two couches where her siblings sat.   
Luckily for the Spats Siblings, however, someone else spoke up before Lilith had the chance to, as they likely would’ve been in for a rather long lecture.  
It was Dathan, the second boy and the eldest of the second set of triplets in the family. He sat on the second couch, his feet tucked up under him and his hands attacking a stress ball, “Doing fun things isn’t just for the recognition, Carm. Sometimes you do fun things just because they’re fun.”   
“What,” Veruca piped in, still not bothering to turn around although everyone knew she was sneering, “Like the fun you have playing with that stupid stressball?”  
Dathan frowned, and before he could stop himself he had ripped the ball in half. “Dammit Veruca! Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time?”  
He raised his arm and it looked very much like he was about to throw the pieces of the ball at her as hard as he could, but he stilled when he felt a hand touch his elbow. Dathan turned to see that his brother Avery, the middle triplet, was holding out another stress ball. Dathan took it, giving his little brother a nod in thanks and immediately going back to squishing the ball in between his hands.   
Avery sighed in relief and returned to the sudoku that was in his lap, scribbling down a seven before looking back up at his other siblings, “You guys know this really is a stupid thing to argue about, right? First of all, fun things really can just be fun, and everyone has a different definition of what fun is. Second of all, Carmelita, there’s no such thing as too much notability. No matter how well known we are, someone else is more well known. And that means we need to step up our game so we can be better than them.”  
The others nodded at that, all knowing that he was probably right.   
Even though Avery usually just repeated things that someone else had already said, he did so with such warmth that people were inevitably inclined to believe him.  
“Y’know,” Began Angelica, the youngest of the Spats, “For a ten year old, you’re not as stupid as you look, Avery.”  
Avery ripped his eyes from the book in his lap and turned to face his sister with a forceful glare, “I’m twelve and you know it!”  
“Why would I know something as pointless as your dipshit age?” Angelica crowed back at him. She was sitting on the opposite side of Dathan, so she and Avery were arguing across his lap, which most people would say is not a very comfortable situation to be in.  
Avery let his sudoku fall to the ground and allowed his hands to form loose fists, “Because we’re triplets, you dumb bitch! We’re the same age.”  
Dathan sat up a bit straighter and adjusted his position so that he was squarely in between them, “Okay guys, chill out. Ange, you know that he’s twelve, because all three of us are the same age and you know how old you are. Ave, dude, sometimes you just have to let these things roll of your back. It’s okay to let stuff go sometimes.”  
“Says the most vindictive one out of all of us,” Angelica muttered under her breath.  
“Shut up you asshole!” Dathan shouted, and then he attacked her.  
The two of them rolled off the couch and onto the floor, Dathan beating at Angelica’s ribs and Angelica clawing and ripping Dathan’s hair.  
None of the siblings were particularly surprised at this by any means, and they weren’t particularly concerned about it either. Sure, the two might end up with some bruises and scrapes the next day, but all of the Spats were practiced in fighting, and they knew how to take a hit.   
The older siblings grew slightly more concerned when Avery threw himself on top of the fight and joined in.   
Carmelita was the first to do anything to try and stop them, although she didn’t get up from her seat, “Guys, cut it out. All three of you know that this is a stupid thing to fight over.”   
“Yeah,” Called Richie, a mischievous gleam in his jade eyes, “Almost as stupid as having a garden on the roof of a school!” And when his three sisters who weren’t fighting turned to him, eyebrows raised, he shrugged, “I just like to stir the pot”  
And he had stirred the pot very efficiently, as at that moment Dathan released a roaring shout and wrapped his hand around Richie’s ankle, tugging him onto the floor and into the fight.   
“Goddammit Richie,” Carmelita sighed, jumping off the back of the couch but still keeping carefully back from the mob of siblings rolling on the floor, “You guys, seriously, chill out. Richie is an idiot, yeah, but you other three are triplets and that means you’re stuck together. So calm down!”  
“No!” Shrieked Angelica, who had just scratched a deep line down Avery’s arm, “I’m sick of them being my triplets! I’m going to dye my hair so no one will ever think I’m related to them ever again.”  
Carmelita and Veruca shared a look that was somewhere between confusion and disdain as Lilith finally joined in the attempt to stop the fighting, “Okay, Ange, that’s a bad idea for so many reasons. First of all, your hair color being different doesn’t actually change your birth identity. Second, kid, if you dye your hair we won’t have the triple set of blondes anymore.”  
“Why do we need three blondes?” Dathan huffed, his knee making contact with Richie’s stomach, “We’ve got the three of you with black hair, and we’ve got one red head, so why can’t we just have two blondes and one of whatever Angela’s new color is?”  
“Because that’s stupid,” Lilith snapped, looking more and more frustrated with the situation, “We go three one three so that everybody matches with the people they shared a womb with. No matter how much you hate each other, you can’t just change the color of your hair and think that’ll change who you were born with.”  
“You’re one to talk, skunk head,” Richie chuckled deeply, gesturing to the large section of white in Lilith’s hair.  
Lilith, in turn, let out a nearly feral growl and jumped screaming onto the fight pile, “It’s not my fault! It’s a skin condition you bastard, shut up!”  
“Yeah,” Dathan smacked Richie, hard, along the jaw, “You can make fun of Lil, but you can’t make fun of me, and making fun of her about her skin condition is making fun of me too because I have the same thing! So screw you Richie.”  
Avery laughed at that, then brought his elbow up and into someone’s brow, (although he couldn’t quite be sure who it was) “Don’t worry Lil, it may be a little weird to have some white in your hair, but at least it’s mostly the same. It’s not as weird as being the only one in the entire family to have a certain hair color.”  
“Hey!” Carmelita shouted, throwing herself into the fight, “Don't call me out! My hair is part of what makes me so special!”  
The six of them rolled on the floor for a while, Veruca watching, until finally the last sibling decided that she’d been watching this for far too long, and dove in as well. She shrieked, “Hey assholes! You guys suck!” And then began pummeling her brothers in sisters.  
“Why are you fighting?” Dathan asked, panting hard.  
“I started feeling left out,” Veruca replied, taking a swing at anyone that was close to her.  
The Seven Spats fought like this for a very long time.   
They fought hard, and they fought dirty, and they fought until none of them were even angry anymore, but were merely having fun.  
Of course, most people don’t define fun as having the snot beaten out of them, but siblings are a special breed of creature, and can find joy in anything that causes each other pain.   
The Spats fought until someone entered the room, and they kept fighting until that person cleared her throat and finally grabbed their attention.  
And then they laughed.  
They paid no mind to the fact that one of their classmates was as clearly trying to say something to them. Instead they sat there, laying huddled on top of each other in a giant lump, and they giggled and chortled and cried out with thick, sweet joy until their throats burned and tears rimmed their eyes and they were gasping for breath.   
The classmate who had come to speak to them waited, patient but confused, through all of this.   
The girl was someone that all seven of them knew, but none had quite bothered to learn her name. They were sure that it was something along the lines of Lori or Laura or Lauren, but they weren’t sure what it was. (But it was just the same that they weren’t sure, because her name was not Lori or Laura or Lauren but was in fact Brianna, so even if they had tried to hazard a guess they would’ve missed by quite a bit anyway).  
When the Spats had finally quieted themselves, rolling off of each other but staying on the ground, Lori/Laura/Lauren/Actually Brianna cleared her throat, “Sorry to, um, sorry to bother you guys. It’s just that Vice Principal Nero wants you to go to the Administrative Building.”  
The Seven looked at each other, unsure of what to expect, and as usual Carmelita was the one to speak up, “What does he want us for?”  
“You’re to show some new students around the school.”   
All seven of them sat up, Lilith’s eyes flashing with excitement as she asked, “And what can you tell us about these new students?”  
Lori/Laura/Lauren/Actually Brianna looked unsure of herself, but under the insistent stare of the Spats she cleared her throat and said quickly, “I don’t know much, but I know that there’s six of them, and that they’re orphans.”  
The Seven siblings looked at each other, unrestrained excitement filling them at this prospect.   
“Well,” Carmelita was smiling, but anyone who had ever watched a nature documentary would see it as the snarl of a hungry predator, “Looks like we’re getting some fun after all.”


	2. "Oh My God Soli, You Can't Just Ask People If They're Albino"

To say that the Seven Spats Siblings were excited to show the new students of Prufrock Prep around the school would be an understatement.  
They were ecstatic.  
Not for the reasons that you or I might be ecstatic, such as getting to drink a root beer float or finding out that your long lost brother is not actually dead but is instead in hiding.  
No, they were ecstatic in the way a poacher might be if she found out that the guard at the animal sanctuary had fallen asleep, or the way an arsonist might be if he found out the building he was planning to burn had already been doused in kerosene.  
These new students, the Baudelaires, they were a new source of play for the often vicious Spats Siblings to pick apart.  
“Do you think they have anything valuable that made it through the fire?” Richie asked, already thinking of what he could hoard and what he could trade for.  
Avery cut in quickly though, interrupting his oldest brother’s fantasies, “If they do I call it.”  
“Who cares if they have anything valuable?” Dathan, the middle brother, chimed in, “I wanna know if they’re gonna be easy targets or if we’ll have a bit of a challenge. It gets so boring around here with no one but you guys to fight with me.”  
“You’re right, but honestly it doesn’t matter whether they’re easy targets or not,” Carmelita was examining her nails as she spoke, trying to pretend she didn’t really care about the situation even though they all knew she did, “They’re going to be fun to pick on either way. After all, they’re orphans.”  
“That’s true,” Veruca nodded, “Orphans are fun to pick because they’re the easiest to continually make fun of. After all, who are they going to complain to, their parents?” All Seven of the children let out a long and nasty peal of laughter at that, but they paused as Lilith grew a solemn expression, “Just remember, we have to make sure they don’t have any other siblings first. Making fun of parents is fair game, but we don’t want another incident like with those other triplets that came here.”  
They all nodded seriously, trying to think of their best material for orphans and hoping that they wouldn’t have to worry about avoiding sibling talk.  
“I can’t imagine there are more than six of them,” Angelica said after a pause, “I mean, that seems like it’s already five too many.”  
The others all considered arguing with her about that, since after all there were seven of them, but they decided very quickly that they agreed with her, so they just kept walking.  
Lilith broke the silence, something she was excellent at doing because she always accomplished the feat so smoothly, “Do you think any of them will be cute?”  
Veruca frowned, “What does being cute have to do with anything?”  
“Oh trust me Ver,” Richie chuckled, “Being cute has to do with everything.”  
“It doesn’t matter if they’re cute!” Carmelita insisted, “Because none of them will ever be as cute as me, since I’m already the cutest little girl in the world, and they’re just a bunch of-”  
“Pielickers?” One of her siblings suggested.  
“Cookiecrumblers?” Called another.  
“Muffinsqueezers?”  
“Croissantlaughers?”  
“Wafflemanglers?”  
“Breadchompers?”  
“Cakesniffers!” Carmelita snapped, her honey gold eyes flashing dangerously, “They’re a bunch of cakesniffers, just like all of you.”  
It was at that moment that they realized they had finally made it to Vice Principal Nero’s office, and had stumbled upon the Baudelaire children.  
The Spats paused, unusually silent, and took in the appearance of the six children who sat in front of them. If there was one thing the Spats knew, it was how to enact a power move, and the one they were using today was declining to speak first.  
The Baudelaires stared back, unsure of what exactly they were seeing, and at a loss as to how they were to start a conversation.  
It was Sunny, the youngest of the Baudelaires and in fact a mere infant, that finally broke the silence.  
“Elwoods!” Sunny cried, which meant something along the lines of, _That’s an awful lot of pink___  
“Shit, is that a gremlin?” Lilith looked incredibly frightened by the tiny child.  
Dathan rolled his eyes, “It’s a baby, Lil. You know what small children look like.”  
Lilith seemed antsy as she saw that there was not just Sunny but another small child as well, and she shifted her weight from foot to foot, “Yeah, okay, whatever you say. Just, no one feed those things after midnight, okay?”  
The Baudelaires looked utterly lost, but the Spats knew well how Lilith felt around children, and brushed it off quite easily. And after all, what Sunny had said was of course true. Each of the Spats was dressed exclusively in varying shades of pink, and they merely shrugged, Richie muttering quietly, “Everyone needs a signature color.”  
Still, the Spats lapsed back into their quiet, waiting to see what the Baudelaires would do next.  
Finally, one of the older girls stepped forward, holding a toddler on her hip, “Hi, I’m Violet Baudelaire,” Violet readjusted the child she was holding and gestured to each of her siblings in turn, “This is my older sister Lilac, these two are Nick and Klaus, this is Solitude, and that’s Sunny.”  
“Oh, cool, nobody cares!” Carmelita cheered, happy the silence had been broken because she didn’t particularly enjoy going very long without talking, “Everyone knows that we’re the Spats family, and everyone especially knows that I’m Carmelita Spats, the most brilliant and adorable and amazing little girl in the whole entire world!”  
The Baudelaires all looked wary of this, but Richie stepped forward smoothly and put on his most charming smile, “Now, Carmelita, there’s no need to be rude. Not only is it a constant struggle to be the second oldest, but I think it must be illegal to treat such a supreme beauty so badly.”  
“Well,” Violet lifted her chin, looking the boy straight in the eye, “It takes a beauty to know a beauty, doesn’t it?”  
Chortling, Richie pulled a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve and held them out to her, “I suppose you’re right, my good lady. The name is Richie Spats, and I’m the second oldest in the family, just like you. Take these flowers, although they pale in comparison to you, and remember my name if you’re looking to experience something magical.”  
The Baudelaires weren’t quite sure what to do, watching as Violet took the bouquet and wondering what the bell was going on.  
The Spats, however, were quite used to this and merely rolled their eyes at Richie’s antics.  
After a moment, Lilith made her way to the front of the Spats clan to greet the Baudelaires herself, “I’d like to apologize for my siblings. I’m Lilith, the oldest, but unfortunately I have little to no control over them. That said, I’ll admit that Richie wasn’t incorrect. It would appear to me that this is a family filled with,” She paused, and allowed to the back of her hand to stroke tenderly over Lilac’s cheek, smiling at the blush that overtook the features of the eldest Baudelaire, “Effortless beauty. Anyway, Richie and Veruca here are my triplets, although it is true that Richie was second. You already met Carmelita, and then those three are the other triplets, Dathan, Avery, and Angelica. We’re here to greet you and to show you around the school a little bit.”  
Lilac opened her mouth as if to speak, looked at Lilith again, and then closed it, turning back to her younger siblings with a look in her eyes that showed how desperate she was for someone to take the attention away from her.  
It was Klaus that got the hint fastest, and looked up with the curious expression of a life long researcher, “So there are two sets of triplets in your family? That’s interesting. It must be very rare.”  
“It is,” Dathan spoke up quickly, his eyes running over Klaus and his expression remarkably similar to Lilac’s, “But we like to think we’re just special like that.”  
It was at that moment in time that the Baudelaires looked at Dathan’s eyes, and Nick voiced what all of them were feeling, “Well holy shit! Who the fu-”  
“Language, Nick,” Lilac chided, having snapped herself out of her stupor.  
“Sorry,” Nick rolled his eyes, “Whom the fuck has eyes like that?”  
“Nick!” Lilac snapped, although she was wondering the same thing as she looked at the blonde boy’s deep crimson eyes.  
“Ken?” Solitude asked. _Are you albino?___  
Dathan was blushing quite brightly, the color that snuck up his neck and cheeks somewhere between that of his own eyes and that of Carmelita’s hair, and he kicked the wall very hard when he heard that.  
“Sorry about that,” Lilith stepped back forward, wrapping an arm around her younger brother calmly, “He’s just a little sensitive. No, he’s not albino, he just has a skin condition, and it affects his eyes. I have the same thing, see?”  
The Baudelaires looked at her and saw that she did, in fact, have strangely colored eyes, although hers were paler than her brother’s, more pink than red. They examined her closely and saw the splotches of white that covered her skin, the large chunk of white that was in her hair, and saw that if they paid closer attention to Dathan’s complexion, he was indeed the same.  
“Saysaysay,” said Sunny, who looked quite curious about this. _It looks like vitiligo___  
“Very good,” Lilith smiled nervously at the baby, taking a small step back from the child’s bared teeth, “We do have vitiligo. Like Dathan said earlier, we like to think we’re pretty special.”  
“But since when does having vitiligo make you have demon eyes?” Nick asked, looking at them in confusion.  
Dathan sighed, “It’s a specific strain. Our eyes aren’t actually this color, we’ve just lost the pigment in our eyes. What you’re seeing is our blood vessels.”  
“So why are your eyes so much darker than your sisters?” Nick seemed less nervous and more curious now.  
Richie stepped forward then, tossing an arm around Dathan for just a moment, “Dathan here just has more blood vessels than Lil. Now, if you don’t mind,” He said this part to Violet and plucked a flower from the middle of the bouquet he had given her, handing it immediately to Nick, “Y’know, Nick Baudelaire, oftentimes physical beauty is what’s noticed first, but the beauty of intelligence is what’s remembered long after it’s shown. You seem to be one of the lucky few who manages to have both.”  
Nick stared at the flower in his hand, unsure of what he was supposed to do with it and trying to figure out what the hell any of that was supposed to mean.  
Groaning, Dathan grabbed Richie by the collar and pulled him back into line with the rest of the Spats, “God, Rich, can you not go ten minutes without being the human embodiment of a gay stereotype? How is it even possible to be such a dip-” He paused, looking at Soli and Sunny before finishing weakly, “Head? Such a diphead?”  
“Shithead!” Sunny cheered, which meant something like _We know plenty of curse words__  
“Dipshit!” Soli then chanted, beaming. _She’s right, you’re far too late to corrupt us____  
Veruca laughed lightly at that and turned to Dathan, “Leave Richie alone. Who cares if he flirts too much? At least he doesn’t have demon eyes like you.”  
“Hey!” Shouted Avery, who didn’t really have anything against Veruca but always defended Dathan, “You’re one to talk, Miss Purple Eyes.”  
It seemed like a fight was about to break out in the room, but for once Dathan wasn’t at the center of it. He was standing still, looking frustrated and more than a little upset, blinking his eyes very hard as if he could somehow shift them into a different color.  
Everyone else in the room was watching Avery and Veruca as they looked ready to start throwing punches, the Spats with interest and five of the Baudelaires with confusion and worry, everyone starting to eat the popcorn that Angelica had inexplicably been carrying with her.  
That was why no one but Klaus saw the look on Dathan’s face, and he took a careful step forward, staring deep into the dark red of Dathan’s eyes and wondering if they really were windows to the soul.  
When Dathan finally stopped blinking and met his gaze, Klaus spoke quickly and quietly enough to not draw anyone else’s attention, “I think your eyes are nice, actually. I think they just make you all the more special.”  
Dathan allowed a grin to crack over his features, bright and shiny and able to change the entire landscape of his face, and then his spun on his heel and marched over to Veruca and Avery.  
“Cut it out, both of you,” He tried in vain to get rid of the smile, “There’s no time for silly fights. We’re supposed to be giving a tour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You shouldn’t expect me to post this often usually bc this is a total fluke but in stuck in a car for a few hours so it’s going strong.  
I’m so happy people seemed to like the first chapter, also, I’m so stupidly excited about it  
Okay  
Woo


	3. The Baudelaires Get To Learn TWO Mottos

Although the Spats did technically give a tour of Prufrock Preparatory School, it wasn’t like any tour the Baudelaires had ever experienced.  
Mostly because it wasn’t very good.  
To be fair, the Spats did certainly give a lot of inside information to what went on in the school. The issue was that, at least in their minds, the Spats were the only important people at the school, so everything important related directly back to them.  
Lilith mostly made suggestive commentary, usually while making eye contact with one of the older Baudelaires. After she told Klaus that boys with glasses were cute three times and saw that he merely nodded and stared at Dathan each time, she switched off of him, and she stopped with Nick very quickly because she could tell that she didn’t have the effect on him that she had on most people. But it was okay with her because it made her laugh to see Lilac blush every time she said something flirtatious to her, and because she thought it was great fun that Violet would always flirt back.  
Richie didn’t do much besides increasingly ridiculous magic tricks all aimed towards Nick, who would watch patiently and immediately turn away. But Richie was never one to back off from a challenge, and kept making more and more ridiculous attempts to hold the boy’s attention as they went.  
Veruca walked the slowest of all of them, so everyone kept having to hold back and wait for her, but she showed the Baudelaires all the hidden rooms and closets throughout the building, telling them with great authority which ones were best for sneaking off to take naps.  
Carmelita pointed out a lot of things, but most were not applicable to the lives of the Baudelaires. She told them about the teachers who let her do whatever she wanted because of how adorable she was, and that she got extra food at meals because of how sweet she was, and that she was allowed to have anything she liked because of how overwhelmingly excellent she was.  
Dathan was very kind and gave the most detail as to what the places around them actually were, but he kept randomly becoming overwhelmed with emotion, usually anger, at which point he would stop and punch a wall. He also showed him the garden on the roof of the dorm building, and then said that if anyone harmed any of his plants he would be forced to them off the roof. Everyone laughed but Sunny.  
Avery told them where the library was, but only because he was babbling about the different puzzle books that were in there. He warned them that it didn’t stay open for very long, but then he showed them which of the windows didn’t latch quite right and were easily broken into.  
Angelica led them onto the athletics field, explaining that they were waiting for a new gym teacher to arrive, and that until then she was allowed to have students do whatever she wanted. She was beaming as she explained that she just made them all do jumping jacks, and whenever one of them had to stop and take a break she made them give her a bag of candy.  
The Baudelaires found themselves to be overall horrified throughout the majority of the tour, but they tried to ignore it. After all, the Spats couldn’t be that bad, could they?  
Anyone outside of the situation would have happily told them that they could.  
Everywhere they went, the Baudelaires watched as the other students stared at them while the Spats chatted happily.  
“Videtis?” Sunny asked, looking self conscious. _Why is everyone looking at us?___  
Lilac forced a smile, “They’re probably just looking at us because we’re new.”  
“Actually,” Dathan spoke over his shoulder to them, not slowing his pace, “It’s because your home was destroyed.”  
“And because you’re orphans now,” Angelica added cheerily.  
The Baudelaires exchanged nervous glances and resolved to simply not look at the people around them.  
They were so focused on staring straight ahead that they completely missed when the Spats stopped, almost running directly into the Seven of them. After they had righted themselves, they looked at the Spats in utter confusion.  
“We just thought you might wanna see the school motto,” Veruca pointed at the giant sign in front of them, where two words were carved.  
“_memento mori_,” Klaus read, quiet and a little unsure.__  
The Seven nodded, all of them sure that at least one of the Baudelaires knew enough Latin to translate it.  
Nick proved them right, his eyes running over the sign a few times as he spoke, “Remember you will die?”  
“Yep!” Richie was grinning, “Ain’t it cheery, sweet stuff?”  
He was very clearly speaking to Nick when he said that, but since Nick wasn’t one to speak or be spoken to in such a manner, he didn’t seem to realize. After a silence that went just a moment too long to be comfortable, Violet piped in a response of her own, “Oh yeah, pumpkin, it’s the cheeriest.”  
Laughing, the Spats led the Baudelaires back into the administrative building.  
“Well,” Lilac looked a little unsure of herself, but she wasn’t one to forget her manners, “Thank you for giving us a tour.”  
Avery smiled fondly, “Don’t worry, it was our plea-Woah! What is that?”  
For at just that moment in time, a frog had poked its head out of Solitude’s pocket.  
“Babbit!” Soli pushed the frog’s head back into her pocket, worried to see the reactions of the Spats.  
Veruca gave the most extreme of a reaction, screaming loudly and jumping away, moving faster than the Baudelaires had seen her go all day. She hid behind Richie and leapt onto his back, looking fearfully over his shoulder.  
Avery, however, was more than a little excited. “Ignore her,” He chuckled, reaching his hands out carefully and allowing Babbit to hop into them, “Veruca is a bit of a scaredy cat.”  
“I am not a scaredy cat!” Veruca yelled, although the force of her words was undercut by the fact that she was still clinging very tightly to her older brother, “I just don’t like snakes or crocodiles or frogs or anything that’s scaly, or spiky, and I especially don’t like ones that are slimy, like that thing!”  
“Naveen!” Soli replied, looking a little reproachful. _Technically they’re not slimy, they’re just secreting mucus___  
“She’s right,” Avery said over his shoulder, scratching Babbit fondly between the eyes with one finger, “Babbit is so wonderful, Solitude! You should be proud to have such an amazing little frog. You know, I used to have a pastel ghost ball python named Challah. Do you like snakes, too, or just amphibians?”  
“Snakes!” Solitude cheered. _I love snakes! I want to be a herpetologist someday, like my Uncle Monty!___  
“Wait,” Dathan was beaming suddenly, kneeling next to Avery on the floor and looking closely at Babbit, “Monty? Do you mean Dr. Montgomery Montgomery?”  
The Baudelaires turned to each other, shocked that he knew who their relative was.  
“Monty?” Sunny asked, staring at the boys in disbelief. _How do you know who Montgomery Montgomery is?___  
“Montgomery Montgomery is fantastic!” Avery’s eyes were still focused on the frog that was hopping along his arms, but his face was filled with amazement, “I read all the Herpetological Society newsletters, because snakes are my favorite animals, and he’s the best out of everyone they feature.”  
“I’m not nearly as big a fan of snakes as he is,” Dathan chuckled, reaching out to pst Babbit gently, “But I read the newsletters too, just so I can keep up to date on what’s going on in the snake world for Avery’s sake. It’s so cool that you guys are related to Dr. Montgomery!”  
The six Baudelaires exchanged sad looks, Violet sighing, “Yeah, he’s a pretty awesome guy.”  
Avery handed Babbit back to Soli, getting serious for a moment, “Just be careful not to let Vice Principal Nero or any of the teachers see Babbit, okay? You’re not allowed to have pets. That’s why I had to give up Challah, because we were starting school here, and I cried for months.”  
Soli nodded solemnly, tucking the little frog into her pocket carefully.  
“So you won’t tell on us for having Babbit?” Nick looked pleasantly surprised as he spoke.  
“Of course not!” Dathan cried, looking shocked by the very idea of it.  
“We would never tattle on you,” Veruca added, climbing slowly down from Richie’s back.  
“We never tattle on anybody,” Lilith nodded firmly, holding out a hand to help Avery and Dathan up from their kneeling positions.  
“Really?” Asked Klaus, “Why not?”  
“Well, the school motto is fine and all that,” Angelica shrugged.  
“And it’s great for our ever growing goth population,” Richie gave a pointed look toward Lilac as he spoke.  
“But we Spats have our own motto,” Veruca said.  
“One that we think better exemplifies our values,” Avery was grinning, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet as he spoke.  
“One that shows people that we know ourselves better than they think we do,” Dathan sighed at the thought of it.  
“Honestly, it might be that greatest motto ever created. We’re just that great,” Lilith chuckled at that.  
“_canes non proditores_,” Carmelita said.__  
The Baudelaires looked at each other, confused, Soli saying softly, “Doggy?”  
The Spats gave a laugh, and then they spoke in complete unison, “Bitches, not snitches.”  
“We’re going to get you in trouble all the time,” Angelica explained, “Just not for things that are actually your fault. That wouldn’t be cool.”  
“Yeah,” Carmelita had a sharp but ultimately thrilled look in her eyes, “Just like how we can make fun of you for your house burning down, but not for how poorly dressed you are.”  
“We’ll definitely be doing our best to make things more difficult for you,” Dathan finished, “But only for things that you have no control over. Like this.”  
With that, he rapped his fist sharply on the door of the office next to him, where the children could hear the shriek of a violin being played very poorly.  
The door was wrenched open by a man, holding a violin and bow, with his hair put in tiny ponytails that were sticking out at odd angles, a man who must have been Vice Principal Nero. Nero was already angry, shouting insistently, “Who dares disturb a genius while he’s practicing?”  
“The Baudelaires do,” Angelica smiled, “And they’re late to meet with you.”  
“How dare they be late to meet with me?” Nero demanded.  
His eyes softened when he looked at the Spats, and he pointed his bow at the pin on Carmelita’s collar, “Carmelita, dear, I love your brooch.”  
Carmelita beamed up at him, her expression sickly sweet, “Thank you, sir.”  
“The original owner really liked it,” Richie added, holding up a small metal tube that he had taken from Klaus’s pocket, watching as it dawned on the boy that Richie had stolen the spyglass half, and then winking as he tossed it back for Nick to catch.  
The Baudelaires shared a look as they entered Vice Principal Nero’s office while Nero waved fondly to the Spats and then slammed the door shut.  
“Pessimum,” Sunny whispered to her older siblings, which meant something along the lines of _I’m not so sure that I like them_. __  
The other five nodded in agreement, clearly unsure of how to react to what had just happened.  
On the other side of the door the Spats Siblings were cackling, beginning the trek back to the dormitory.  
“Was that fun enough for you, Lil?” Richie asked, wrapping an arm around his sister’s shoulder.  
“Oh yeah,” Lilith grinned. After pausing for a beat she continued happily, “And by the way, in case y’all were hoping I didn’t notice, I count at least three of us with a crush, and four if we include Avery and the frog.”  
Too contented to argue with her or defend themselves, the Spats Seven just huddled up, each one with an arm around the other, and let themselves be happy all together.


	4. How Do You Sleep At Night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of a transition chapter, so sorry there’s not really any action but it’s something to think about it for a bit until next week when the next chapter comes out.  
Thanks for reading!! Y’all are the best, love all of y’all a ton!! 💗💗💗

Various people over various years had asked various members of the Spats family, “How do you sleep at night?”  
The truth was, all Seven of them slept very differently.  
Lilith used exclusively flannel sheets, which none of the others had. She would wash her face carefully, she would pin her hair up and wrap it in a scarf, and then she would curl up in a ball under her blankets. For exactly seven hours and thirty-eight minutes, every single night, she would sleep. And then she would be up.  
Richie would sleep backwards on his bed, his feet on the pillows and head buried deep under the blankets. He stayed up very late and slept in very late as well, and every morning when he woke up he would roll (literally, roll) off of his bed and onto the floor and would sleep for ten more minutes curled up on the ground before he actually got up.  
Veruca liked to read before she would sleep. Two chapters of a book, a glass of warm milk, and then it was lights out. But to be fair, it didn't take much for her to fall asleep, and in fact she spent the great majority of her time during the day sleeping anyway.  
Carmelita had silk sheets, and silk pillowcases, and silk pajamas. Although it made her feel very fancy, there was also something inevitably lonely about the cold, smooth sensation of sleeping in silk. But she pushed those thoughts away, trying to feel like she was completely comfortable with everything in her life.  
Dathan slept with a pillow clutched in his arms, cuddling it fondly. His siblings had taken photos over the years of it, but he still denied doing any such thing.  
Avery didn’t sleep, not really, he just drank coffee and and complained about people and did puzzles for three or four days at a time, and then he completely passed out and hibernated for the next three or four days.  
Angelica usually cried before she fell asleep. Not because her life was so horribly hard or she was so filled with despair, but simply because she felt that night was the time to let your emotions drip away. And besides, tears are far cheaper than any face wash you can buy.  
But of course, when someone asked them, “How do you sleep at night?” they were not really curious about the nighttime routine of the Spats family, but were instead trying to say, “Hey, you’re a bit of an asshole. What’s up with that?”  
Of course, the Spats were well aware of that. After all, in spite of the appearances they tried to keep up, they weren’t exactly stupid. The Seven of them had all learned to speak and to walk and play games very early on, and they’d held onto their quick learning and inquisitive minds through their whole lives.  
But they ignored it, because who cared if they sometimes did morally questionable things? Life was chaotic and ridiculous anyway, so why should it matter that they did the things they wanted, and they managed to enjoy themselves?  
And yet each and every one of them, as they thought about the Baudelaires that evening, found themselves asking, “How do I sleep at night?”  
They couldn’t stand this, couldn’t stand to question themselves and wonder about whether they were doing the right thing or not. That just wasn’t them! After all, there was something indescribably joyful about laughing at the pain of others.  
And yet, they couldn’t stop thinking about the Baudelaires. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was very, very early in the morning when Avery woke up, shaking Dathan awake and leading him to Richie’s bed.  
Richie was already awake, and looked as though he had been expecting them. He pulled his nest of blankets to the side and let his little brothers curl up next to him, wrapping them back up carefully. “So,” Richie asked, and although it was too dark to really see anything he still looked towards where he thought the boys were, “You guys okay?”  
“Couldn’t sleep,” Avery murmured, curled up against Richie’s side and with a hand reached across to rest on Dathan’s shoulder, “Kept thinking.”  
“Yuck,” Muttered Dathan, who had allowed his head to drop and rest on the edge of Richie’s lap, “I hate thinking.”  
“Then what brings you here?” Richie was letting his fingers stroke through Dathan and Avery’s hair, his eyes soft and droopy as he did so.  
“Dipshit woke me up,” Chuckling, Dathan winced just a little as Avery pinched his arm playfully, “Hey, I’m just kidding. You know I don’t mind. And actually, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep too. I’d just passed out when you came and got me, Ave.”  
“Couldn’t sleep?” Richie teased, “What, were you busy fantasizing about the Baudeboy?”  
Duncan groaned louder than any of them had expected, “What the hell? What the actual hell did you just say to me?”  
“Y’know, the Baudeboy,” Avery was grinning, Dathan could hear it in his voice even though he wasn’t looking at him, “Baudelaire Boy. The one you obviously have a huge crush on?”  
“Hey, here’s an idea, how about you guys never say that ever again?”  
“How about you quit being a pussy?” Richie laughed even louder, not bothering to react to Dathan punching him in the side, “Hey, your hits don’t affect me anymore. I’m immune to them now,” He paused, quick to amend, “But please don’t test that theory. Either way, why not just admit that you have a crush on the Baudeboy?”  
“I don’t have a crush on Klaus,” Dathan growled, “And would you please stop calling him the Baudeboy?”  
“If you don’t have a crush on Klaus, how did you know that he was the Baudeboy we were talking about?”  
“Okay first of all, fuck you guys,” Yawning, Dathan stretched out carefully but didn’t try and fight them, “But second of all, let’s talk more about that. Klaus may have been the Baudelaire you two were making fun of me for, but why aren’t we making fun of Richie for his crush on Nick?”  
“You can’t make fun of me for something I openly embrace,” Beaming, Richie continued to stroke his brothers’ hair as he thought out loud, “Although I have to admit, I don’t get why he doesn’t seem into me. I mean, the guy clearly isn’t straight. Did you guys see how he reacted to Lil flirting with him? Nothing. That doesn’t happen with anyone who is even remotely attracted to women.”  
“Well,” Avery mused, “Maybe he’s just not attracted to anyone?”  
Dathan frowned, trying to concentrate on the words instead of the sleep that was tugging at the edges of his brain, “What do you mean?”  
“I mean, maybe he’s like Veruca,” Avery explained, although he was also obviously having a bit of trouble keeping everything straight.  
“Oh, that would make sense,” Nodding, Dathan nuzzled his head deeper into Richie’s leg and tried to keep himself from falling asleep.  
Richie, however, jumped a little in surprise, almost knocking Dathan off as he questioned, “What do you mean like Veruca? What about Veruca is anything like that beautiful Baudelaire?”  
“Okay, Rich, ow,” Dathan rubbed the sore spot on his head reproachfully before snuggling back down, “And by the way, his name is Nick. You might wanna remember that. Anyway, what Avery is saying is that maybe Nick is like Veruca and he just doesn’t feel attracted to anyone.”  
“Wait, what?” Richie had been getting progressively more confused, and he jumped again at that, this time elbowing Avery in the ribs on accident, apologizing quickly, “Sorry buddy, I didn’t mean to do that. Just, what do you mean about Nick being like Veruca because he doesn’t feel attracted to anyone? That’s not a thing, is it?”  
Avery’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, “What do you mean that’s not a thing?”  
“People don’t just not feel attraction to other people, right? I mean, everyone is attracted to someone.”  
“Dude, are you serious?” Dathan asked, trying to decide whether or not Richie was playing dumb, “Veruca hasn’t ever been attracted to people. It’s not like it’s some uncommon thing. Maybe Nick is the same way.”  
Richie stared down at him, trying to decide whether or not he should pretend that he knew that and he was playing dumb, “Veruca isn’t attracted to people? I thought that she was just too lazy to date anyone.”  
Avery and Dathan made eye contact across Richie’s lap from each other, raising their eyebrows at first but then realizing that Richie did make a fair point. Still, Avery snorted quietly, “No, Richie, she’s not just too lazy to date. She’s just not attracted to people. I don’t know if it all applies the same with Nick, or if it even applies at all, but Veruca specifically just doesn’t feel any type of romantic or sexual attraction to other people.”  
“None at all?” Richie had confusion etched across his face, “She doesn’t even get a little bit jiggy in her head if it’s the right person?”  
Avery snorted again, and then Dathan did, and then they let out quiet chuckles that built into gut busting laughter, breathing heavily as Dathan finally spoke again, “God, dude, jiggy? You’re talking about getting jiggy? No wonder Nick isn’t into you.”  
“Hey,” Richie chided, an expression somewhere between hurt and amused covering his face, “There’s no need to be rude. What if I told you that your little Baudeboy isn’t into you?”  
“I wouldn’t care, because I don’t like him,” Dathan frowned, “And stop calling him Baudeboy!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At just the same time on that very, very early morning that Avery and Dathan had crawled into Richie’s bed, Angelica woke up from a nightmare.  
This particular nightmare was the type that often haunts one longer than expected, because it was a nightmare that she couldn’t remember. She woke up crying and shaking, a cold sweat covering her completely. She could remember quick flashes of flames, remember a tea set with the sugar cubes laying on the tray, could remember reaching out for the cubes only for them to always be just outside of her reach, remember the sound of someone screaming, remember a flash of an eye. But there was nothing else, no matter how  
Knowing that she couldn’t fall asleep even if she tried, Angelica crawled out from under her sheets and made her way to Veruca’s bed.  
Of course Veruca was sleeping, sound as ever, but it didn’t take Angelica long to shake the girl awake. When Veruca finally opened her eyes to her little sister, she let a subtle sneer overtake her even though she was worried, “Hey loser, what are you doing?”  
Angelica rested her head on top of Veruca’s stomach, not allowing her to sit up, “I had a bad dream and I just wanted to be with someone.”  
Stretching gently, Veruca have a quiet laugh, “Ange, can you get off me?” And once Angelica had moved her head, Veruca rose up and tugged her sister along behind her, “Neither of us will be alone. We’re going to Lil.”  
“Why?” Angelica stumbled in the darkness, unsure of how the older girl was walking so quickly, “You guys hate each other.”  
Veruca signed, “We don’t hate each other,” And then, under Angelica’s scrutinizing look, “Okay, I know we’re not exactly the closest two in the world, but I care about you and so does she. That means that we’re gonna be together, okay?”  
“Do you think we can go to Carm too?”  
“Of course we’ll go to Carm too,” Lilith’s voice echoed through the room, shocking her younger sisters.  
“You’re awake?” Angelica stared, watching her eldest sister carefully, “How are you awake already?”  
“I was thinking about stuff,” Lil muttered, sounding annoyed at just the thought, “I couldn’t sleep. And you two are way louder than you think you are.”  
“Would you cakesniffers shut up?” Carmelita shouted then from her own bed, “Lil is right, y’all are so loud.”  
“Sorry Carm,” Veruca giggled quietly, “But we just wanted to-“  
“I know what you wanted. I’ve been awake for the last hour and a half. I know that Angelica had a nightmare, because I sat there and listened to her cry in her sleep and I threw a pen at her so she’d wake up. I know that when she woke up, she went and got Veruca. I know that they talked like the cakesniffers they are, and I know that Lilith scared them because she’s been awake this whole time too. Now come get in my bed with me before I start screaming.”  
The three other girls glanced at each other and shrugged, all of them running and leaping into the redhead’s bed.  
Carmelita muttered angrily as her sisters piled on top of her, although they could all feel the warmth of excited energy coming from her.  
“So why’ve you been awake, Carm?” Lilith asked, chuckling as the four of them snuggled together.  
Shrugging, Carmelita helped Veruca and Angelica to tuck their heads into the crooks of her arms, “The Baudelaires were interesting, don’t you guys think?”  
“I know Lilith thought so,” Angelica snickered, “She’s obviously digging the old Baudelaire.”  
“Lilac?” Lilith asked, musing aloud, “Yeah, of course I’m digging her. I like the sister too, Violet, she’s really cool. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone blush as much as Lilac does.”  
“I bet I could make that Klaus boy blush just as much,” Carmelita chuckled, “He seems like the type.”  
Veruca’s nose wrinkled up, “Gross, Carm, do you have a crush on him? I thought you were the only one that had the sense to avoid that stuff.”  
“A crush?” Carmelita laughed even louder and harder then, “No way! I just think he’s funny. He’s got those stupid cakesniffers glasses and he got all flustered whenever we said something mean to him, like he wanted to start yelling but he was just too nice to. It’s completely hilarious and I’m totally going to figure out a way to make him snap.”  
The girls all broke out in soft giggles, each of them reaching to steal chocolate out of the pockets of Angelica’s nightgown as she spoke, “Do any of you ever think about how we treat people? How we treated the Baudelaires?”  
All four of them were completely silent, hardly even breathing, not daring to move for fear of breaking the sense of isolated togetherness that had filled the room, until finally, finally, finally, Veruca whispered, “I think about whether or not we should make the effort to think about it.”  
Nodding carefully, Angelica pulled some candy out herself, “I think about whether or not we get any reward from thinking about it.”  
Lilith had a soft, rye smile on her face, “I think about whether or not we’ll gain any power or pleasure from having to think about it.”  
The three sisters who had spoken turned slightly to glance at Carmelita, who lay in complete silence, her breathing even.  
They waited, waited, waited, wondering if she was asleep, until they drifted off into the swaddling tomb of exhaustion themselves.  
And only then, only when they had grown silent and even, when Veruca’s toe had started twitching, as it always did, and Angelica had started giving the tiniest of snores, as she always did, and Lilith had begun to take deep and shuddering breaths, as she always did…  
Only then did Carmelita whisper, “I think about whether or not I deserve to do anything else.”


	5. Carmelita Doesn't Know How To Deal With Her Feelings And Her Siblings Are All Enablers

When the Baudelaires and the Spats next interacted with each other, both sets of children were desperately wishing that such a thing wouldn’t happen.  
Of course, they had already shared classes together, but the Spats family preferred to engage with others as a united front, and since they were split up between classes they decided it wouldn’t be the best idea.  
Carmelita, Dathan, Veruca, and Lilith were all rather surprised to watch as Violet and Nick Baudelaire entered their classroom, the four of them having hoped that all of the Baudelaires would end up in a different class. They watched carefully as the two became aware of the horrors of Mr. Remora’s teaching style, hiding laughter at the Baudelaire’s reaction to the ape-like teacher.  
Meanwhile in Mrs. Bass’s class, Richie, Avery, and Angelica were equally shocked to watch Lilac and Klaus come into their room. The two Baudelaires seemed incredibly confused as they listened to Mrs. Bass and her strange obsession with measuring, and the Spats kids snickered quietly behind their notebooks at it.  
But of course, with their united front philosophy, the Spats said nothing to the Baudelaires. And of course, the Baudelaires said nothing to the Spats, largely because they thought that the Seven of them were assholes.  
When the Seven met up for lunch, they shared what they had seen during class.  
“So the Baudeboy ended up in our class, which will definitely be interesting,” Richie laughed, making pointed eye contact with Dathan.  
“The Baudeboy?” Lilith laughed, “I love that.”  
“Okay, Lil, you’re one to talk,” Dathan grumbled, “We all know that you’re crushing on a Baudelaire too. And stop calling him the Baudeboy!”  
The other six chuckled quietly at that, Carmelita pausing suddenly and turning to them with a soft grin on her face, “Speaking of, here they come.”  
The Spats paused and watched the Baudelaires enter the cafeteria, getting their food and looking around anxiously for a place to sit. “Should we talk to them?” Avery asked, looking a little nervous about the idea of it.  
“Probably not,” Carmelita sighed, although she was already walking towards the other family, beaming, “Good afternoon cakesniffers! We have some unfinished business from yesterday.”  
“Carm,” Lilith made a warning noise, low in the back of her throat, but she brushed her oldest sister off and tapped her foot as she waited for a response from the Baudelaires.  
Dathan wrapped an arm around Carmelita’s shoulder as he smiled gently, “And by the way, it’s good to see you, Lavender and Verbena.”  
It was Violet who broke the silence, looking at her brothers and sisters warily, “Okay first of all, it’s Lilac and Violet, but yeah, good to see you too. Now what do you want, Carmelita?”  
“It is traditional, after a very special tour with some very special tour guides, for one to give a tip. You six left before you had the chance to tip us,” Carmelita gave a shrill giggle, “So we’re giving you the opportunity now.”  
Klaus stared at her, adjusting his glasses on his nose quickly, “You’re seriously asking us to give you a tip for that tour, which was already sketchy, and you’re actually asking us a day after it happened?”  
Carmelita watched Klaus carefully, hoping he would blow up, but he held onto being incredulous. She sighed, knowing that she’d have to work harder to get him to get really angry, and turned to face her siblings.  
Angelica was the one to speak next, laughing a little to herself at Carmelita’s futile attempts to make the nerdy Baudeboy angry, but always ready for the idea of getting a tip, “Yes, of course we are. But don’t worry, we accept candy.”  
Richie sneered, pushing Angelica to the side gently, “We absolutely do not. We accept cash, please and thank you.”  
Nick took a careful step forward, laughter alight on his features, “Here’s a tip for you guys,” His smile was warm, but something sharp sat at the corners of his eyes, “There is a book about a woman who believes herself to be very wise and very capable. In many ways, she reminds me of you seven. She treats some people badly, hurts them emotionally, she thinks of herself very highly, and yet when she’s confronted about it and reprimanded for it, she weeps.”  
Lip trembling just ever so slightly, not enough to be noticed by anyone who wasn’t watching carefully, Carmelita stared at Nick, “What the hell kind of tip is that?”  
Nick flicked up his eyebrow for a moment and smiled coldly, “The kind that’s actually useful.”  
Carmelita crossed her arms across her chest, huffing quietly although she leaned into the reassuring touches her siblings pressed to her shoulders, “It’s a useless tip, just like you’re a useless cakesniffer!”  
“And an orphan cakesniffer,” Dathan added, his jaw set hard as he took in the subtly panicked expression on his sister’s face.  
“Yeah,” Avery added, his hands giving a comforting tug to Carmelita’s curls, “You’re all just cakesniffing orphans.”  
“And,” Lilith stepped in front of all six of her siblings carefully, looking strangely like a bodyguard, “You live in an orphan shack.”  
Richie, Angelica, and Veruca looked at each other carefully before they started speaking, in slow and careful unison, “You’re just a bunch of cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack.”  
Lilith, Dathan, and Avery joined in, repeating quietly, “You’re cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack.”  
Carmelita shook her head, freeing her mind up and beginning to chant along with her siblings, “Cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack. Cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack,” And as their voices rose, much to the horror of the Baudelaires, the other children in the cafeteria joined in, “Cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack. Cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the orphan shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the-”  
They were cut off as a slim boy with very dark hair stepped in front of the Spats, “You’re the cakesniffers! No one in their right mind would hang around you seven anyway,” Duncan Quagmire paused and turned away from the Spats, his voice becoming gentler, “Come on Baudelaires, you can sit over here.”  
The six of them followed the boy, smiling softly but fearfully just the same, as they went to sit by Duncan’s sister Isadora Quagmire.  
The Seven looked at each other then, watching carefully as the Baudelaires sat down with the two Quagmire triplets.  
“I don’t like the way Duncan is looking at Klaus,” Dathan muttered, watching the orphaned children begin to bond with each other.  
“Yeah, well I don’t like the way Violet is looking at Isadora,” Angelica frowned, fishing a butterscotch candy out of her pocket and sticking it angrily in her mouth.  
“You think she’s reciting the couplet she wrote about us to them?” Avery asked, wondering if he would be able to tell what the Quagmires were saying just from looking at the back of their heads.  
“_I’d rather eat a bowl of vampire bats_,” Richie began, eyebrows scrunched together in deep thought.__  
Veruca was the one who finished it for him, “_Then spend an hour with any of the Spats_”__  
Lilith gave a quiet chuckle, letting it build into a cackle, “God, people really hate us, don’t they?”  
Carmelita snickered quietly and burst into song, quiet enough for just her siblings to hear it but loud enough to be in character for her, “_Everybody hates us//Oh yes they really do!//Everybody hates us//But we don’t let it make us blue//They think we’re giant bitches//But at least we are not snitches//Everybody hates us//And I’m betting you do too!//And my name is Carmelita!_”__  
All Seven of them broke down in laughter at that, tears that were indicative of neither humor nor despair, but some painful combination of both, gathering at the edges of their eyes.  
“By the way,” Lilith paused, grinning, “Ange and Dathan, don’t think that we didn’t hear you two being jealous.”  
“I’m not jealous of anything,” Dathan protested, eyes rolling before he could stop it, “I just don’t trust the way that guy is looking at Klaus.”  
“I’m a little jealous,” Angelica admitted, “But can you blame me? Violet’s a catch. Hell, they’re all catches! Even the babies are smarter than like half of us. Quagmire is already out of my league but now there’s someone to knock me even further down the ladder of success.”  
“Hey, chin up,” Richie nudged her gently on the side, “You’re a Spats. That’s enough to be at the top of that ladder.”  
Angelica shrugged, “Hey, Ver, you think we could go to one of your nap closets?”  
“Hang on,” Lilith spoke before Veruca had the chance to, “You’re not going to skip class and go curl up in a ball just because you’re pining over some girl, are you?”  
“Gross, no, I’m not a total disaster lesbian,” Angelica laughed, “I just need some downtime. Besides, we skip class constantly anyway.”  
“Okay, then go for it,” Lilith dismissed her sister fondly.  
Veruca shrugged, taking Angelica by the arm and walking off, “Okay, do you wanna nap in the dorms or in the school building?”  
“I don’t care, just somewhere that’ll be warm and quiet.”  
“You know you’re a liar for saying that you’re not a disaster lesbian, right?”  
“Oh I know,” Angelica laughed quietly, “But I wasn’t gonna tell Lilith that.”  
Carmelita flounced up next to them, grinning widely, “Hey, can I join y’all in the nap closet?”  
“Why?” Angelica looked at her older sister suspiciously, “You’re not incredibly lazy, nor are you a pining lesbian.”  
“No, but I’m tired and I’m stressed out and I hate the cakesniffers in this school. Please?”  
“Of course, Carm,” Veruca grinned, “It’s always more fun when I’m not the only lazy one.”  
The three sisters flounced off, each trying very hard not to think of different things that had been said to them that day.


	6. Nothing Interesting Has Happened Yet In This Whole Story But I Promise It Will Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there hasn’t been a lot of meat to this story yet, but no worries because in the next chapter we get to meet the bastard man and stuff starts getting more legit  
I hope y’all like it!

“So,” Lilac looked at her siblings warily, perched on the hay bales stacked in the Baudelaire’s shack, “How are we feeling about the first week of school?”  
“It sucks,” Nick said, looking up at his sister.  
“You don’t get to say it sucks!” Violet reprimanded him, “You haven’t shown up to class since the first day.”  
“Yeah,” Nick quipped back, “Because it sucks.”  
“I’m glad we met the Quagmires,” Klaus sighed, shaking his head at Nick and Violet’s antics, “They’ve made this whole transition a lot easier.”  
“Wilde!” Soli declared, which roughly meant, _You’re just saying that because you like him_.__  
“Soli,” Lilac scolded, worry resting just on the edge of her features, “Be nice to Klaus. Besides, he doesn’t have a crush on anyone, he’s too young.”  
“He’s not too young to have a crush, you’re just projecting,” Violet sighed, looking at her older sister warmly.  
“Dickinson!” Sunny replied, _And you’re just saying that because you have a crush on Isadora_.__  
“Sunny, stop it!” Lilac looked positively nauseous at the thought of this, “No one in this family has a crush on anyone, because you’re all babies and you’re too young for that stuff. But we all love the Quagmires because they’re fantastic human beings and they’ve helped us out a lot.”  
Nick chuckled quietly, “Of course, there are some people who we’ve met here that are both horrible human beings and have been incredibly unhelpful.”  
“What do you mean, Nick?” Violet cocked her eyebrow, pulling Sunny onto her lap, “And Sunny, where did your uniform jacket go? I know you’re a secretary and not a student, but you still have to keep track of all your clothes.”  
“I think Nick was talking about us, cakesniffers!” Carmelita crowed as she threw open the door to the Orphan Shack.  
“What are you doing here?” Lilac asked, not effectively masking her disdain for the Seven kids that were filing into their doorway.  
“Well it’s good to see you too, Iris, and you, Pansy,” Dathan chuckled, leaning casually against the doorway and letting his eyes sweep across the small room, pausing for just a moment on Klaus.  
“It’s Lilac and Violet,” Lilac corrected him, looking at the group carefully, “Now seriously, what do you guys want?”  
“Well first of all,” Veruca was holding something behind her back, smiling far too sweetly for a Spats, “I’ve got Sunny’s jacket, so you might want that.”  
She handed the jacket to Violet, who stared at the fabric in her hands for a moment before handing it to her baby sister, who wrapped herself in it while babbling, “Gabananadulce?” Which meant _What did you do to my jacket?___  
“I made some modifications to it,” Veruca was draped lazily against the doorway, but there was a sharp glint of excitement in her eyes, “Feel the cuffs and the collar. I added pieces of teething rings to them so you’ll always have something you can bite.”  
“Oh thank god,” Carmelita breathed, far more quiet and shy than normal, realizing that in less than a moment and getting the snark immediately back into her voice, “I mean, no one wants the rabid kid to infect them with anything.”  
“Carm, are you still scared of getting bitten?” Angelica asked, peering curiously over Richie’s shoulder to look at her red headed sister.  
“I’m not scared of anything!” Carmelita insisted, anger making her eyes flash a dark shade of amber, “Just saying, no person likes to be bited.”  
“That was grammatically incoherent,” Klaus muttered quietly, but of course nowhere near quietly enough for them to miss it.  
Beaming, Carmelita turned to him, “Only cakesniffers care about proper grammar. But it makes sense that you would, you’re obviously a nerd. After all, you’ve got the glasses for it.”  
Klaus’s jaw twitched, but he just gave a tiny half nod in her direction and turned away from her.  
Chuckling warmly at his little sister, Richie wrapped his arm around the redhead, tugging her curls affectionately, “Oh come on Carm, why such a February face? You didn’t think it’d be that easy, did you?”  
“Was that a Shakespeare reference?” Nick muttered to Klaus, confusion etched all over his face.  
“Dreevil?” Sunny whispered back. _I thought the Spats were illiterate.___  
“We may be illiterate, but we’re not deaf little gremlin,” Lilith chuckled, “And besides, bedtime stories exist, y’know?”  
Violet frowned a little bit, “Who reads Shakespeare for a bedtime story?”  
Lilith had a bittersweet, longing expression, letting Richie wrap an arm around her as well, “Our cousin did. She was the coolest person you’d ever meet, smart and dynamic and awesome. She read us a story every single night, even when our parents were busy and were out of the house.”  
All Seven turned to each other, their faces reflecting a depth of sadness that the Baudelaires had never seen from them before.  
They all cleared their throats gruffly, Dathan breaking the silence first, “I think I’m gonna go smash some tomatoes in my garden. You guys wanna come with?”  
“Yeah,” The other six muttered, looking at the Baudelaires for just the quickest of seconds before they turned and left.  
“Wait,” Called Soli gently, “Okay?”  
“Yeah, we’re okay,” Lilith smiled, although anxiety clung to her features as she spoke to the small child, “Thanks happy gremlin.”  
“Arbitrium?” Sunny asked, nibbling on the cuff of her jacket. _Okay, but what exactly are you guys doing here?___  
“Oh shit,” Avery muttered, and all Seven seemed to snap out of the haze they were in as he continued, “Nero sent us to talk to you guys and we just rabbit holed away from it. That’s our bad.”  
“What does Oedipus want?” Nick asked, chuckling to himself and elbowing Klaus in the ribs as he said it.  
“Dude, you can just say the real word,” Veruca laughed quietly, “I mean, anytime we talk about Nero we end up calling him a mother-”  
“Father!” Should Dathan, clapping his hand over his sister’s mouth, “We call him a motherfather because we understand basic impulse control and that we shouldn’t say the F-U-C-C word in front of small children.”  
“Bees!” Shouted Soli, which here does not mean that there were insects around but instead meant _We know how to spell!_  
“Seeb!” Sunny added. _And you don’t!_  
“No wait, I promise I’m not stupid,” Dathan reached out a hand and began to wiggle his fingers in front of Sunny playfully, “I just spelled it wrong because if I spelled it right that would mean I was effectively saying it in front of you two, and I didn’t want to do that, and-” He paused for a moment as Sunny gave his finger a tiny chomp. The Baudelaires froze, worried about how the wrathful boy would react. Violet tried to hold Sunny firm as Dathan teachers towards the baby, but the boy either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Much to their surprise a grin covered his face as he grabbed her, laughing and scooping her into his arms, continuing to wiggle his fingers just in front of her mouth, “It’s okay, bite as hard as you want kiddo. Anyway, Baudelaires, we came down here because we were supposed to tell you that there’s a mandatory school assembly this after-ow! Oh, good one kid. Your teeth are fantastic. Okay, back on track, there’s a mandatory school assembly this afternoon because apparently we’re finally getting a new gym teacher.”  
“A gym teacher?” Nick’s upper lip curled into a snarl at just the thought, “Gross.”  
“I agree,” Angelica sighed, a frown on her face and a whine in her voice, “I really liked making kids give me snacks because they can’t do jumping jacks nonstop for two hours at a time.”  
The Baudelaires exchanged a look, all six wondering how strange and vile this family could be. Still, although she was usually the most judgements, Sunny was the first one to merely shrug at the thought and then turn back to what she was doing, continuing to gnaw on Dathan’s fingers.  
Lilith patted her youngest sister gently on the shoulder before turning back to the rest of her siblings, “Well, I think that’s all. Let’s get out of their poorly conditioned hair, yeah?”  
“Wait!” Cried Carmelita, “What about our tip? I’m the most special little girl in the world, so I deserve a special tip for delivering this message. And I guess maybe you guys could get one too.”  
“We accept snacks!” Angelica added quickly.  
“We absolutely do not, we accept cash,” Richie turned to his little sister with disdain, shaking his head at the very idea.  
“Here’s a tip,” Nick sighed, thinking carefully for a moment before he spoke again, “There is a book, considered a classic novel by some and frivolous trash by others, that is known to be one of the most complicated mysteries of all time. It starts out pretty simply, a private investigator getting hired to take care of someone who is blackmailing a general, but it immediately leads into about a hundred different subplots, some of which never actually get resolved.”  
“That’s not a tip, cakesniffer!” Carmelita huffed, stamping her foot on the ground impatiently.  
Nick merely shrugged, turning to his siblings with a grin. They contained their laughter just barely, watching the Spats leave their shack with disgusted mutters about the lack of tipping, although Avery seemed notably more happy than them at the idea of a mystery novel.  
Almost to the door, Dathan suddenly seemed to realize that there was still a baby in his arms trying to figure out whether or not she could break his finger if she bit hard enough, and he spun on his heel to hand Sunny back to one of her older siblings, “Sorry Miss Sunny, I promise I wasn’t trying to kidnap you. Here, um, Klaus, can you take her?” He asked, extending his arms out to the bespectacled boy and passing the baby off, feeling a strange shiver run through him as their hands brushed, not realizing that the same shiver ran through Klaus as well. Dathan stood silent for just a moment before smiling at Sunny one last time, “Okay, well, keep those teeth sharp, kiddo, and sometime we’ll test how much damage you can really do with those chompers.”  
The Baudelaires watched as the last of the Spats practically sprinted out of the room and to his siblings, and then they turned carefully to Klaus, smirks overtaking their faces.  
Sunny reached a hand up to Klaus’s face and patted him gently on the cheek as she repeated Soli’s earlier cry, “Wilde!” Which meant something only slightly different from what Soli said, _Apparently you like more than just one of the strange boys we’ve met___  
“Hush Sunny,” Klaus scolded quietly, although he was blushing far too brightly too keep his siblings from noticing, “Come on, let’s go to the assembly.”  
“Hopefully the new gym teacher isn’t cruel,” Lilac said, gathering her things off the bale she was sitting on.  
“Li, if they agreed to work here there had to be something wrong with them,” Nick sighed, picking up Soli and settling her into his hip carefully.  
The others shrugged in quiet agreement and followed him out the door.  
Unfortunately, they didn’t realize just how correct he was.


	7. A Little Short But Damn I Hate Pedophiles

“Why don’t we get to wear tutus?” Asked a very grumpy Avery, who crossed his pom pom holding arms over his chest.  
“And why did we help the new gym teacher get hired even though he seemed like a really creepy guy?” Added Veruca, who had her own pom poms laying over her eyes in an attempt to sleep.   
“Because he said I was cute!” Carmelita cried out, already excited to dance for the whole school. She fluffed her own tutu out gently and smiled at her other siblings, “And everyone knows I’m the cutest girl in the world. And we aren’t wearing tutus because we’re cheerleaders, not ballerinas.”  
Dathan shrugged, combing his fingers through Lilith’s hair in an attempt to tame it and tie it up for her, “I don’t think I’d really wanna wear a tutu anyway. I’d be afraid of getting all tangled up and tripping.”  
“Yeah, maybe you’re clumsy, but I’d look way better than just about anyone else in the world wearing a tutu,” Richie laughed, pulling at the edges of his pants in an attempt to flare them out into a skirt.   
“Except for me!” Declared Carmelita, who was spinning wildly and clacking her tap shoes on the ground as she did so.  
Angelica pushed Dathan to the side lightly and took over on Lilith’s hair, trying to make the mess of curls into something more presentable, “Dathan, you’re a wreck. You’re just gonna tangle her hair.”  
“No I’m not!” Dathan pushed her back, grabbing onto the half done braid, “I’m great at doing hair. Leave us alone.”  
Lilith cried out as the two alternately tugged at her hair, pulling sharper and sharper in turn, “Stop it, both of you! I’ll braid my own damn hair.”  
Veruca sat up with a sigh and looked over at Richie, the two shifting into place behind their eldest triplet and taking her hair in their own hands.  
“What are you doing?” Angelica had her arms crossed over her chest in frustration, but she stared curiously at her older siblings.   
“Lil is shit at braiding her own hair,” Veruca muttered, ignoring Lilith as she jabbed her elbow back into Veruca’s ribs.  
Richie chuckled quietly “You guys are probably too young to remember, but Cousin A used to braid Lil and Veruca’s hair like this all the time. She taught our other cousin how to do it and they’d go in sync. Then they taught us how to do it too so we could always look out for each other.”  
“He’s leaving out the fact that we would braid his hair too,” Lilith laughed, her eyes softening as her triplets put her hair into matching plaits, “God, I miss them.”  
Avery nodded studiously, still distracted by his wish for a tutu and not realizing what he shouldn’t say, “Yeah, I wish we got to know them better, they seem like they were really cool. I wish they hadn’t di-”  
“Stop talking!” Carmelita shouted, the other six jumping around her and turning to glare at Avery’s mistake, “We don’t know that they’re dead. We don’t know where they are. Every single cousin in the Spats family has the potential to be just as alive as the Seven of us are right now, and those two especially. Now shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”  
The Seven stared at her and then at Avery in turn as the boy sat on the ground in defeat. They knew that Carmelita was probably being too harsh, but it was a family rule that they didn’t mention the possible death of her two favorite cousins when she was around. Sighing finally, Carmelita dropped to the ground next to her youngest brother and buried her face into his shoulder.  
“Sorry, Carm,” Avery wrapped an arm tentatively around her, “I didn’t mean it. I’m just not focused, y’know?”  
For once, the redhead was completely silent. She merely reached up and let her hand grasp his, not willing to speak for fear of her despair showing through her voice.   
She bounced up, however, at the sound of footsteps approaching. The others jumped at that, but watched as their sister fluffed her skirt and shook her hair and turned to the man who had just joined them.  
“Coach Genghis!” Carmelita shouted with glee, “Do you want to see our cheer routine? It’s so adorable, you’ll love it.”  
The other six watched the tall man warily, exchanging nervous glances at the look in his watery blue eyes as he stared at their sister.  
“Perhaps, dear, perhaps you could show me,” The new coach had a wicked smile beginning to cover his features, “Your brothers and sisters seem a bit preoccupied, but I’d love it if you’d cheer for me.”  
Carmelita’s eyes lit up from their normal honeysuckle to a shade of melted gold at the idea of him wanting to see her do her dance. The fact that he wasn’t fawning over her beautiful sisters or admiring her talented brothers was enough to start her feet moving, her toes tapping, her smile growing wider and wider with every step.   
The other six Spats turned to confer as she danced, Lilith looking unsure of herself, “Why is he paying so much attention to her?”  
“Don’t be jealous,” Richie sighed, glancing over at her mischievously.  
“I’m not jealous,” Lilith snapped, and that was almost, but not quite, completely true, “I’m worried about her,” And that part _was_ completely true.   
Flexing without thinking about it, Dathan nodded a little, “I don’t like it. I don’t trust this guy.”  
“I think she’ll be fine,” Angelica wasn’t really paying much attention to the situation as she was busy eating candy that she had pulled from the special pocket Veruca had sewn on her cheerleading uniform, “But I don’t know why he’s staring at her like that.”  
Angelica was obviously jealous, but they knew it wasn’t because of anything other than ignorance of the situation, and they resigned to keeping her as far away from the coach as possible.   
Avery, however, was not one to be so subtle when it came to such matters, and he smacked Angelica on the back of the head, “Because he’s obviously a pedo you dumbass.”  
“What?” Angelica looked shocked at her brother’s words, although she quickly kicked him back, “What are you talking about?”  
“We don’t know that for sure,” Veruca scolded, although she still looked just as worried as her other siblings, “He just seems like his motives might be a little suspect.”  
“If he touches Carm I’m gonna kick his ass,” Dathan growled, letting his muscles ripple under his skin, “If he touches anyone, for that matter.”  
Reaching into her pocket, Angelica held out a handful of butterscotch candies to Dathan, “Here. You’re gonna need some of these to calm down.”   
Eyes a bloody shade of crimson, Dathan quickly ripped the foil off a piece of candy and started crunching on it, chewing it to pieces in just a moment and then adding another. After he’d effectively destroyed six butterscotch candies he held the last one out and looked at it, placing it carefully in his pocket to save for later and turning back to his brothers and sisters, “Okay, okay. Thanks, Ange. Now look, Nero’s here, and I think the students are coming in.”  
“Oh dear Carmelita,” Richie called, “Get over here, sis.”  
Carmelita gave Coach Genghis her most brilliant smile and danced her way over to her siblings, “What do you want, cakesniffers? I was busy!”  
“The students are getting here. Now you’ll be able to cheer in front of everybody,” Veruca stood up slowly, stretching her arms out behind her back and getting ready to cheer.   
The Seven were dancing, cheering, the girls beginning to chant, “Who can’t be beat?”  
To which, of course, the boys chanted in return, “A dead horse!”  
“Who can’t be beat?”  
“A dead horse!”  
They went on like this for quite some time, the students joining in with the cheer. The Seven were overwhelmed, but they were not ones to back down from attention. Still, they nudged each other softly with their pom poms as they watched the Baudelaires and the Quagmires take a seat.   
When Vice Principal Nero finally took over the stage the Seven were bouncing with excitement, barely listening as the man blabbed through details about finding someone to appreciate his amazing violin talent.   
They didn’t even tune in once Coach Genghis had come out, still so worked up about everything going on, somewhere between excited and absolutely overwhelmed.   
No, the Seven Spats didn’t tune into the actual events of the assembly until the Baudelaires had made their way to the stage, (What were they doing going up there? What had the coach said to them?) didn’t tune in until Violet shouted, “That man isn’t Coach Genghis, it’s Count Olaf!”   
That was enough to draw the Spats out of their stupor, turning to each other in a panic, trying to decide if they had done something horrible.  
And when they saw the look on the coach’s face as he stared at the Baudelaires, as he stared at Lilac and Violet Baudelaire, they knew that they had.__


	8. Maybe, With If You Give It A Chance And Some Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Brain: Stick to the posting schedule, wait til Thursday, wait til Thursday, stick to the posting schedule stick to the posting schedule stick to the  
Me: Post it at midnight and then hyperventilate  
Guess we can all see which option I went with (rip lol)

“I think we need to do something to help them.”  
All Seven of the Spats Siblings turned to each other in shock, confused by their own words.  
“Did we all just say the same thing at the same time?”  
“Shit!”  
“We haven’t done this since we were like four.”  
“Oh yeah, there was something that we got in, right?”  
“Something that we weren’t supposed to be in.”  
“Was it an oven?”  
“Or a dryer?”  
“It was something that children are definitely not supposed to be in.”  
“But Cousin B took us with him.”  
“That was so long ago.”  
“What was going on?”  
“Oh, whatever, it doesn’t matter!”  
“How the hell do we get this to stop?”  
“We-”  
“I-”  
“Goddammit!”  
“Um,” An unidentified, clearly Non-Spats, voice chimed in, “Wasgoinon?”  
Solitude Baudelaire stood in the barely cracked door, making them wonder how she had opened it, Sunny propped up sleepily on the floor next to her.  
“What are you two doing here?” The Spats asked, still in painful unison.  
“Selbo,” Sunny replied, which meant something like, _An administrative assistant’s work is never done_.__  
“So did Vice Principal Nero send you?”  
Sunny looked at her sister, confusion all over her face, “Yee?” _Yes, but what the hell are you guys doing_  
“What do you mean?”  
Soli gave a gentle pat on Sunny’s shoulder and turned back to them, “Scrantonicity,” She explained, _She’s asking why you guys are all talking at the same time_  
“We haven’t quite figured that out yet.”  
“So why are you two looking like you’re about to pass out?”  
And they did certainly look like they were about to pass out, “Bolt!” Sunny complained, pushing the door open a little more and crawling inside. _We’ve been running every night and then we have to work all day_  
“She crawls,” Soli added, “Bastard man yells.”  
“Monana,” Sunny agreed, _He yells a lot_  
“You guys are talking about Coach Genghis, right?”  
“Bastard man!” Sunny yelled, and I very much doubt I have to translate that, but if I do, it roughly meant, _He’s not really Coach Genghis, he’s Count Olaf, and he’s a bitch ass loser who’s trying to steal from us_  
“And right now he’s trying to get you guys kicked out of school, right?”  
“Taxation,” Soli nodded seriously._Yeah, that’s part of him trying to steal from us_  
“Oh.”  
“So what did Nero send you to do?”  
Sunny had crawled to one of the couches and was trying to pull herself up, Soli toddling over and giving her a boost and then climbing up next to her. Then, with a deep yawn, Soli replied simply, “Meeting.”  
“What meeting?”  
Looking incredibly crabby, Sunny rolled her eyes at them, “Bitchface meeting!” _Vice Principal Nero would like to meet with you Seven at your earliest convenience_  
“You two look really tired.”  
“Bolt!” Sunny muttered, annoyed. _We already told you, we spend all night running and then we work all day. Of course we’re tired_  
“Is that why your older siblings keep falling asleep in class and failing tests?”  
“Yep,” Replied a very Sleepy Soli, a shortened way of saying, _Yes, they’re very tired from running all night as well. The only one who ever sleeps is Nick, and that’s just because he skips class and sits on the roof all day reading books and catching birds_  
“He can catch the birds?” Richie asked, for he had been wanting to catch one of the birds around the school to use in his magic act for quite some time, and his other six siblings turned to him in shock.  
Carmelita looked very excited at this, standing up to shout, “My name is Carmelita Spats and I’m the most adorable little girl in the world!”  
“We’re fixed!” Veruca grinned, “None of the rest of us would ever say something as crazy as that.”  
Glaring, Carmelita opened to her mouth to speak but was cut off by a surprising source, “Is he the one that’s been eating my dang strawberries?” Dathan demanded.  
“Dang?” Sunny glanced up, chuckling a little, _Why can’t you just say a curse word you silly boy?_  
Soli laughed but then turned serious, nudging Sunny on the shoulder, “Work.”  
“Wait,” Avery called as the two started to rise off the couch, “Don’t go to work. Stay here and get some rest.”  
Lilith looked uncomfortable at this idea but nodded carefully, “Yeah, little gremlins, we’re supposed to be in class right now anyway, and we have to go take care of things. You guys can sleep here.”  
Soli and Sunny looked like they were about to protest, but then Sunny started chewing on the cuff of her sleeve, and Soli’s eyelids started fluttering, and then, before they could make themselves do anything to help it, they were being covered over with a blanket that the Spats had grabbed from one of their dorm rooms, and they were falling asleep.  
The Seven broke off from each other, splitting into groups to talk and then deciding to merely go their separate way and screw some shit up instead of being constructive or trying to do anything helpful.  
All that is, except for Dathan, who held back for a moment and waited until the room had mostly cleared out, grabbing Lilith by the armand pulling her off into her bedroom to talk.  
“Woah, Dathan, what do you want? I’m supposed to-”  
“Lil, please, I need to talk to you,” He was desperate, his heart pounding as he looked up at her.  
She was definitely confused, but nodded, “Okay, yeah, that’s fine,” Lilith paused and grabbed him by the arm, lifting it up, “Hang on, have you been scratching again?  
“What? No! I don’t scratch anymore.”  
She inspected his arm carefully, looking at the lines between where his skin was light and dark, “Then why are you covered in scabs and scratch marks?”  
Dathan frowned, snatching his arm back, “It itches, okay?”  
“No it doesn’t! We have the same goddamn skin disease you idiot, and I never itch,” Lilith scolded, her arms crossed impatiently over her chest.  
“Look, I get it, I’m a goddamn freak, but the patches fucking itch, okay? Now can we stop talking about this and get to the right damn subject?” He snapped, his shoulders pulling themselves back and him rearing as though he was about to fight her.  
Lilith didn’t react much, just gave him an unimpressed look and sighed, “Look, dude, we don’t do the whole threatening thing, okay? You’re tough enough to scare a lot of people, but you’re my baby brother and you really can’t scare me. Breathe. And remember, you’re really not supposed to scratch, okay? It’s bad for you. Do you wash up after you do it?”  
Sighing deeply, Dathan nodded, “Yeah, I clean it. Sometimes I wrap it up, if it’s really deep. But I only wash it if I break the skin, but that really doesn’t happen all that often. I’m okay, I promise.”  
She nodded, kissing her fingertips and pressing them gently against his forehead before she spoke again, “Okay, I’m glad. Now, sorry, I’m done being the overprotective older sister and I’m ready to be your supportive and helpful older sister. What’s up?”  
“I just,” Dathan paused, staring very hard at the ground, “You’re the only person I know who has any real experience with like, romance and all that shit, y’know?”  
“Well,” Lilith thought this over for a moment, “I mean, romance isn’t quite what I’m known for, but I get that general stuff around it.”  
Looking a little surprised at this, mostly based on how many times she had tried to get him to date someone, Dathan shrugged, “Yeah, I know, you don’t focus on the romance yourself all the time, but it’s not like you just totally ignore it when it comes to other people. Now listen, there’s this, uh, there’s the guy that I have recently become acquainted with, a guy that I really, _really_ like. I don’t even know. Have you ever met someone that you just never wanna not be around? That you just crave the moments that you get to see them, when you pass them in the hallway or see them sitting at their table at lunch and you just wish you could suspend that moment in time forever. I mean, god, I’ve barely even met him and already I feel like if I gave myself the chance and some time I could fall in love with him.”__  
“Shit,” Lilith breathed out slowly, “Shit, kid, I don’t know what to tell you.”  
Dathan finally looked up to her, eyes dark and fearful, “Please, Lil, please. I need you right now. I don’t know what to do and I’m so fucking scared and I need your help. Please tell me what I’m supposed to do.”  
“But that’s the thing,” She paused, reaching out and smoothing his messy curls back with the far away look in her eyes that one gets when they feel they are letting down someone who depends on them, “I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. Because the truth is, I’ve never felt like that before. Never before now, at least. Because there’s this girl that I’ve met, this girl with this brilliant blush and the best big sister instinct I’ve ever seen, and I feel the same way about her. But I don’t even know what to do myself, there’s no way in hell I know what to tell you to do. Just, I don’t know, just do what feels right. People always say that if you love someone you’ll want them to be happy no matter what, so I guess just try and do what you can to make him as happy as you can while still making yourself happy too.”  
“What if he doesn’t like me though? What if he likes someone else? What if he maybe with the chance and some time could be falling in love with someone else? What do I do then?” He asked, chewing roughly on his lip.  
“Well, based entirely on the few romance novels that I’ve read the back covers of in my life, it all goes back to happiness. If you do love this guy, which I know that you don’t right now because you barely know him and you’re twelve but I also know you might love him eventually, then you really care about him. Your happiness is important, Dathan, but if you like him as much as you say you do then I don’t know that you’re going to be fully happy if he’s not. I know it’s hard, and I know it sucks, but if you want him to be happy then that might mean that you don’t get to be at first, that you have to let him be happy with someone else. But I just don’t know, Dathan, I just don’t know.”  
After he had paused for just a moment, Dathan threw his arms around his sister with as much feeling he could muster. “Thank you,” He whispered, taking a deep and shuddery breath, “Thank you for being my big sister and thank you for helping me and thank you, thank you, thank you.”  
Shocked, Lilith waited a moment before she reacted, but she sunk into it after just a moment and patted him gently on the shoulder as she hugged him back, “Of course,” And then, after a moment, “So, who exactly is this special boy that has managed to catch your eye?”  
Dathan flared a bright red, “Um, it’s Coach Genghis,” He paused to laugh, listening to Lilith snort quietly, “Who’s the special girl that grabbed onto your eye?”  
“Okay, first of all, please don’t ever say that again,” She snorted again, louder this time, “But it’s, uh, it’s Mrs. Bass, actually. I just really love measurements, what can I say?”  
The two dissolved into laughter, still holding each other, before Dathan said softly, “I’ve been watching Coach Genghis, watching him talk to those people that follow him around. He’s gonna do something bad, and the Quagmires are gonna try and help the Baudelaires with it, and I’m worried about it.”  
“Dathan,” Lilith leaned back and looked at him, her eyes serious, “I don’t want you to put yourself in danger. I know you care a lot about Kl- I, um, I mean Coach Genghis, and I know I said you should want him to be happy, but you still have to watch out for yourself.”  
“I will, don’t worry. I’m just trying to think of something I can do to help.”  
“You can help, but don’t do it in a way that’ll put you in danger, please. I just, I love you so much buddy. I don’t wanna risk losing you.”  
It was Dathan’s time to snort, soft and gentle and infinitely comforting, “Don’t worry, Lil, you aren’t getting rid of me that easily. You can’t just lose me.”  
She nodded, turning towards the door, “Well, alright. Listen, Richie and I are gonna go try and catch some birds. You wanna come with us?”  
He paused, considering it for a moment, before he shook his head, “I think I’m gonna take care of some stuff. But don’t worry, okay? It’ll be okay.”  
Lilith smiled and gave him a quick wave before she flipped her hair and left.  
Dathan’s own smile slid off his face as soon as she had left, steeling himself for what he might have to do.  
Going to the commons area, he found the two youngest Baudelaires just barely stirring under their blanket.  
“Hey guys?” He asked, reaching out to nudge them each on the shoulder, “Hey, are you two awake?”  
Soli sat up and rubbed her eyes, “Awake. Whatya want?”  
Dathan smiled, sitting down on the couch and letting two crawl up onto him and rest leaned against him, looking up at him expectantly, “Listen. I know that Coach Genghis is really Count Olaf, okay? I totally believe you guys. And I know that you’re being tested tomorrow, all six of you, and that you might get kicked out for it. And most of all, I know that you guys have a plan, and I really need you to tell me what it is.”  
The toddlers looked at each other, communicating silently, before Sunny placed a hand on his face gently, “Usain.” _The Quagmires are going to take our place tonight for S.O.R.E. so that we have time to get ready to be tested, and then if they have a chance they’re going to try and do some research into Count Olaf and what’s going on with him_  
“Okay,” Dathan nodded seriously, “Thank you. Now listen, I need to go take care of some stuff, but I just wanna make sure you guys are okay. Can you get back to the shack yourself, or do you need help?”  
“Independent!” Soli insisted. _We’re fairly adept at taking care of ourselves so we don’t need your help right now, but we thank you greatly for the offer__  
“Alright. Stay here as long as you need, and stay safe, okay? I really hope you guys can pass tomorrow. Good luck.”  
And with that, Dathan turned and left, almost running through the halls of the dorm, in search of the Quagmires._


	9. I Cried The Entire Time I Wrote This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
There are mentions of something along the lines of pedophilia/statutory rape/general sexual abuse. They're very brief and not descriptive and they're more implications than anything else, but I know it's a heavy subject so I thought I should warn y'all  
It's mentioned twice, for two separate characters during the greatest fear section, so just look out and take care of your mental health please!

Everyone, of course, has experienced fear in their lives. Everyone has cried out, has shaken in their boots, (literally or figuratively) has wondered how in the world they were going to bounce back from this.  
The Baudelaires had mostly experienced this fear since they had come to know Count Olaf, although that was not exclusive.  
Lilac Baudelaire had first experienced a great sense of fear at the age of approximately a year old, when her mother and father had told her that they were going to have another baby. She had noticed, of course, that her mother had become lumpier, that it was harder to sit on her lap because she felt like she was being pushed off, but she’d never realized what that meant. Her father pulled her onto his own lap as they explained that very, very soon there was going to be a new child in the family, that she was going to be a big sister, and that meant that through all the children they may have it would be her responsibility to watch out for and take care of her younger siblings. Lilac, of course, did not remember this, but she forever held onto the sense of great and powerful dread that had filled her.  
Violet Baudelaire had experienced one of her greatest moments of fear when the prospect of Lilac being forced to marry Count Olaf had come about. It still haunted her sometimes, late at night when she was sleeping, a dark and oppressive nightmare where they didn’t manage to stop the wedding, didn’t manage to save Lilac from the fate of becoming a Countess, and she would wake up shaking.  
Nick Baudelaire’s greatest moment of fear was when the six of them had spent some time working at a lumber mill. Count Olaf’s schemes had led to Klaus being hypnotized by an evil optometrist, which caused all sorts of terrifying problems.  
Klaus Baudelaire’s most memorable moment of fear was when he had left the library window open one night. His parents always insisted that they keep the windows closed around the house, but one night he had accidentally left it open and rain had made its way inside. The worst part was that the storm had ruined a very large atlas that he had managed to get down from the top shelf. This, of course, didn’t really scare him, not the storm or the book getting ruined. What scared him was his parents’ reaction, was their yelling at him and scolding him like never before.  
Solitude Baudelaire could remember pretty clearly the first time she’d ever been scared, although she knew it would fade eventually. It was when she was a baby, a _baby_ baby and before she had managed to get Nick to like her. He had locked her in the closet, leaving her there in confusion and fear. Of course it wasn’t that bad, and it wasn’t too long after that Nick had grown attached to her, but she could still vaguely remember the wonder about what was going to happen to her. __  
Sunny Baudelaire’s greatest moment of fear was while the Baudelaires were living with Count Olaf. He had suspended her in a birdcage from the tower of his house and left her there as a way to bribe her siblings into doing what he wanted.  
The Spats also had experienced a lot of different embodiments of fear, but they were a special and independent kind of fears.  
Lilith Spats was approximately three years old when her youngest siblings were born, which was around the same time that she realized that she was going to have to find love and affection outside of that which she received from her parents. It didn’t bother her much, wasn’t much more than a simple thought process, but she knew that between her six younger siblings and the fact that her parents had never wanted kids much anyway, she wasn’t going to be getting her daily set of love from them. So in the hospital, at approximately three years old, as the younger triplets were being born, she wandered away from her family and found a very nice man who was very happy to talk to her and play with her and do things that she had never tried before but he said that friends liked to do. As it happened she had fun, even if it was strange, but when she looked back on it years later, although she remembered very little, much like Lilac Baudelaire she held onto the dread she felt about having younger siblings born, just for very different reasons.  
Richie Spats was always a difficult child, but only in the most charming ways. He played, he danced, he frolicked, he laughed, and even though he was always getting himself into trouble no authority figure could ever really be angry with him. Which worked out well for him, all the way up until he was seven and found himself hanging upside down by his ankles from one of Lilith’s aerial silks and he realized his family wasn’t going to be home for at least another hour and a half. He’d hidden in her practice room to jump out and scare her when the time came, but curiosity led from one thing to another until he had climbed up in the silks and managed to get himself tangled. It was at that point in time that he realized that Lilith wasn’t coming to practice that day, because the whole family had gone to see a play and they must have left without him. Waiting for his family to return and save him from his new permanent headrush, he had cried pretty much the entire time and when his parents got home he begged them to ground him from ever being upside down again.  
Veruca Spats had been attacked by squirrels when she was young, around six years old. She’d fallen asleep in a small grove of trees near the Spats House and woken up to see one of the beady eyed woodland creatures staring at her. She had shrugged, picked up an acorn, and tossed it in his direction, not realizing it would be taken as an assault, and she was swarmed by angry squirrels until she managed to run to a nearby creek and jump in fearfully.  
Carmelita Spats had two scariest moments, because they cause such different repercussions. One of them had been the start of her biggest fear, but the other was the one that was overall the scariest. When she was three and a half she had decided she was going to run away from home because no one paid enough attention to how special she was, and had almost immediately been attacked by a dog. Her fear of being bitten was formed that day as she bled through her pretty pink shirt, and although she tried to get her parents to help her they merely said they were busy, not bothering to turn and see what was wrong, and she had to try and wrap it up herself. But the scariest event, the thing that made her wake up crying the most, was when the Spats had first come to Prufrock Preparatory School, the first time Vice Principal Nero had called her into his office without her siblings. Carmelita was worried about trouble, but Nero had merely wanted to talk to her about how she was adjusting, simply wanted to make her more comfortable with the school, simply wanted to show her all the best uses for a violin bow, wanted to teach her what to expect of her life at Prufrock Prep.  
Avery Spats had once gotten locked outside his house in the middle of winter, when it was freezing cold and snow covered the ground. He thought he would die, being trapped outside all night, he buried himself in the snow because he saw in a movie that it was a good way to stay warm, and he ate tree bark so he wouldn’t starve to death. Luckily for him, he was actually only outside for twenty-seven minutes, but his fear of the cold stayed strong even as he grew older.  
Angelica Spats had once been forced by her family to eat broccoli. This in and of itself wasn’t scary, just upsetting, but the scary part was that at the time her mother had been trying to poison her father and had mixed up the plates on accident, which led to Angelica getting lightly poisoned by the broccoli. Luckily she didn’t eat much of it, but her trip to the hospital that followed was enough to scare her off of broccoli forever, as well as eating anything that she didn’t actively watch her parents prepare.  
The Baudelaires and the Spats had been scared largely by outside forces, all but Dathan Spats.  
Dathan Spats was not a boy who was often scared, and even when he was he was not a boy who willingly showed it. The scariest moments of his life happened very much one right after the other and in fact overlapped a decent amount, first when he met Klaus Baudelaire and realized his feelings for the boy, and then again the night that the Quagmires were supposed to run S.O.R.E. in place of the Baudelaires and Dathan did what he had to do to prove those feelings. 

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

__ "VFD! VFD!” Isadora shouted, leaning out the window of the long black car.  
“Isadora! Duncan! Duncan! Isadora! No!” All six of the Baudelaires were screaming, trying desperately to catch up with the vehicle.  
They fell to their knees in despair as the car, and the Quagmires, disappeared from view.  
“What are we going to do?” Klaus adjusted his jaw as he spoke, trying very hard to keep from crying.  
Violet was the one to speak, although her voice came out in just a bit of a squeak as she wondered if Klaus would ever get to see Duncan again, who he so clearly liked even though he refused to admit it. And more than that, somewhere deep and perhaps a little bit selfish, she wondered if she’d ever get to see Isadora again. Still, she knew that as the only one that could fully grasp how her brother was feeling at that moment, she was the one who needed to talk, “Well, Klaus, I think that what we do is we fight like absolute hell, and we get our friends back.”  
“Hey, Baudeboy, we think you’re supposed to have this!” A voice called from behind them, and all six turned around to see what was happening.  
Six of the Spats Siblings were walking towards them, carrying a passed out seventh figure on their shoulders.  
“Where’s Dathan?” Klaus asked, taking stock of which of the Seven were there.  
Avery snorted very quietly, helping his siblings lay the boy, who was just beginning to stir, down in front of Klaus, “Why don’t you ask him?”  
The Baudelaires gasped, Klaus crying out, “Duncan? What are you doing here?”  
Duncan Quagmire sat up, rubbing the sore spot on his head gently as he looked around, “What’s going on? Where’s Isa?”  
“What the fuck is happening?” Nick asked, staring at the boy in front of them.  
Duncan stood, wavering a little until Avery grabbed his arm to balance him, and once he knew he wasn’t going to collapse he let a frightened shout come out, “Where the fuck is my sister?”  
“Oh, Duncan,” Violet paused, taking a deep and shuddery breath, “Duncan, she’s gone.”  
“What do you mean she’s gone?” His eyes were wild and he began to get frantic, moving desperately from person to person.  
“She’s gone,” Klaus reached out, putting a gentle hand on Duncan’s shoulder, “She’s with Count Olaf. He got her. They’re gone.”  
Duncan fell to the ground, an almost feral noise making its way through his lips as he cried out, “That goddamn blonde bastard! That son of a bitch! She’s all alone now!”  
“Blonde Bitchlaf?” Sunny asked, unsure of what he was saying. _But Count Olaf isn’t blonde___  
The six Spats looked at each other carefully, Veruca taking a careful step forward, “I don’t think he’s talking about Count Olaf.”  
All of the Baudelaires turned to each other, the color draining from their faces as they realized what she meant.  
All of them, that is, except for Klaus.  
“What do you mean?” The bespectacled boy asked, looking up at them with desperate confusion.  
“Do the math, Baudeboy, you’re supposed to be the smart one,” Avery growled, filled with the anger that comes from trying to find someone to blame, “There were two kids in the car, Duncan is right here, and guess who’s missing? Our blonde bitchass brother who wanted so badly to help you guys that he’s gone now, gone, and we have no idea how to get him back.”  
“Wait,” Klaus sucked in a very deep breath, trying to quell the beginnings of what felt like a heart attack, “Wait. You’re saying that Dathan is… Dathan did this?”  
Duncan nodded, his eyes shut tight, “He came to me last night, while Isadora was in the bathroom, he told me that I was in danger and that I needed to stop. I told him no, told him that I knew what I was doing, and the son of a bitch pulled the lamp off the wall next to us and clocked me over the head with it!”  
Avery started to speak again, fury covering him, but Richie pulled his brother back and held onto him gently, nodding to Veruca to respond instead, “He came into our common room with Quaggie here wrapped around his shoulders. He told us that the Quagmires were in danger, that Duncan was in danger, and that he couldn’t let that happen.”  
“Why not?” Klaus stared, trying to understand what exactly she meant.  
Managing to slide out of his brother’s arms, the only brother that he knew he would see again, Avery rushed forward and grabbed Klaus by the collar, attempting to lift him up like he knew Dathan would do to someone he was trying to threaten, which didn’t work, of course, but still scared everyone there, snarling at him, “Because of you! He told us that he knew how crushed you’d be if Quagmire over there got hurt, and so he asked us to watch over him until he could get things sorted out. This is all your fault, Baudeboy. We don’t know where our brother is, what he’s doing, what’s happening to him, and it’s all because of you.”  
Then Avery Spats cocked his arm and got ready to punch.  
Before he could do such a thing, Richie and Nick had grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him away.  
Klaus collapsed to the ground, burying his face in his arms.  
“Klaus?” Soli asked, toddling forward, “Okay?”  
“He saved me but not Isadora?” Duncan asked, standing up and turning to the Spats with horror on his face.  
“No, no,” Angelica looked equally horrified at the idea, “I mean, yes, but no. He tried with Isadora, he really did. I was going to run with him in her place, but she refused, and he was scared to hurt her. He didn’t want to hit you, didn’t want to hurt you, but he did it in the heat of the moment. By the time he got to your sister he had some time to think it over and to calm down. When he couldn’t get her to agree he just made her promise to run and find us, find you, at the first sign of trouble.”  
Duncan’s eyes were watery around the edges, “But she didn’t.”  
“Maybe she did,” Avery sighed, letting himself fall to the ground, “There’s no way that Dathan would just let something to happen to her. He probably fought back, and they probably ran, but that doesn’t mean they could get away.”  
“Well what the fuck are we supposed to do now?” Violet demanded, not even bothering to let herself get scolded by Lilac.  
All thirteen children looked at each other and wondered at this very question. 

_ __ _

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

__ __ __ _“I think you’ll like your new guardians very much,” Mr. Poe said, glancing into his rearview mirror at the children who filled his backseat._  
“So,” Nick bounced Solitude a little on his knee, try to calm her frustrated muttering, “Why couldn’t we have just lived with these people in the first place?”  
“Apparently there was some issue with their ability to take you in at the time, but they’re very excited to have you there now. And you should be in good hands, because she’s the city’s sixth most important financial advisor,” Poe paused, laughing and then coughing, “You know, perhaps it’s because I haven’t seen you all in so long, but it seems like there are more of you than I remember there being.”  
The children were smashed throughout the car, Lilac and Violet sharing the front seat, Klaus and Nick sharing in the back with Sunny and Soli balanced between their laps, in the middle sat Veruca ‘Baudelaire’, and sharing the seat on her other side were Richie and Avery ‘Baudelaire’.  
“Don’t be silly, Mr. Poe,” Richie ‘Baudelaire’ chuckled, “There’s always been nine of us.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I seriously have no self control posting this already but heyyyy what're you gonna do, right? Anyway this is the last of TAA and I was SUPER emotional through the whole thing, but here we are  
Hope y'all liked it, and just know I love you guys and I really appreciate all the support!  
Alright  
Thanks folks  
Have a good one


	10. The Nine Baudelaires

The nine Baudelaire siblings had faced many trials and tribulations in their lives.  
One of the greatest of which was the fact that there were not actually nine Baudelaire siblings, there were six.  
And those six were very annoyed with the three tagalongs who had come with them.  
Each of the Baudelaires thought about the aftermath of the great and terrible event that had caused Isadora Quagmire and Dathan Spats to be taken from them, and had forced them to let three rather nasty individuals temporarily join their family.  
“Well, we have to go after them,” Lilith had sighed, knowing she shouldn’t have trusted her brother to keep his promise of being safe and taking care of himself.  
Nick shook his head, a grim look on his face, “We can’t just go after them. Believe us, we’ve tried to catch Count Olaf plenty of times ourselves, and it never works out. The adults don’t let us. We just go wherever we get sent, and eventually Count Olaf follows us.”  
“Then we’ll get to them soon,” Violet had her hair tied up with a ribbon, a sign that she was thinking very hard, “Because obviously they’ll go wherever Olaf goes, and Olaf goes wherever we are.”  
His face softening, Nick nodded, “Yeah. We’ll meet our new guardian and Olaf will show up and then we can find Klaus’s boytoy and Isadora, send him back to you, and have Duncan come join us with Isa.”  
Everyone frowned at that, trying to decide which part of it they found so unappealing.  
Avery was the first to speak, although the fight that had filled him before had flooded out around the third or fourth time he had tried to punch Klaus, and he had since been lying on the ground in a ball of despair. Still, he lifted his head enough to shoot a glare towards Nick, “There’s no way we’re letting you Baudelosers go on your own. We need to be with you so that we can actually find them. Dathan is our brother.”  
“Loser?” Soli asked, looking a little disappointed at how harsh Avery was being. _Look around at this school, do you really think that we’re the losers here?___  
“You can’t come with us,” Lilac was frowning as she thought it over, “We can’t just all go. There’s obviously not thirteen Baudelaires.”  
Richie shrugged, shuffling a deck of cards in his hands, “Well, yeah, there’s not thirteen, but there could be less than that. There’s already six of you, we could make something believable. What if,” He paused, cutting his deck in half and pulling a card at random, “What if there were nine Baudelaires?”  
All of the children looked at the card he held up, a nine of hearts that was torn through the corner and down into two of the hearts. Richie tossed it to the ground so that it was in front of everyone and went back to shuffling, not paying much apparent attention to the conversation.  
It was Nick who picked up the card first, turning it over in his hands, thinking aloud, “But how could we just have nine Baudelaires? And how would we decide who’s coming with us? People will know if we’re just changing the numbers around.”  
Violet took the card next, staring at it and running her finger over the rip. “Actually,” Sunny waved her hand to get their attention, meaning something along the lines of _I’m sure Klaus has thought of some way to surpass that issue and is about to say what he’s thinking___  
“Actually,” Klaus took the card from his sister's hand and looked at it carefully, “I’m not so sure that people _will_ notice. I mean think about it, Mr. Poe may be good intentioned, but he’s incompetent. If we just used enough confidence and acted like there’s actually nine of us, I think he’d believe it.”__  
“Spats?” Soli gestured to the other family.  
Avery sat up, a smile starting to tug at his lips, and he pulled Soli towards him and into a hug, “Sorry for being harsh earlier,” He muttered to her and then set her down and gave Babbit the frog a gentle kiss on the head, “We’ve got this! It’s perfect! The Spats numbers changing isn’t an issue, because the only person that actually has to know we’re here is Nero, and the only one of us he actually pays any attention to is Carmelita. Right, Carm?”  
Carmelita was busy at that moment, talking to Veruca about sewing trackers into all of the sibling’s clothes so problems like this wouldn’t arise, but when she heard what he was saying she turned to them, an expression that could only be described as uncharacteristically shy on her face, “Yeah, Vice Princie knows that the Spats are around and that there are more than just me, but I’m the only one he can actually recognize. If I stay we’ll be good to go.”  
“Great!” Avery cheered, already getting up to try and decide what he needed to pack.  
Angelica wrapped her hand around his ankle and pulled him down before he could run off, sighing, “Hey dummy, we still have to decide who’s going to go.”  
“Oh,” The blonde boy smacked his younger sister on the arm and then turned back to the others, “Okay, so who’s gonna be a Baudelaire now? Besides me, that is.”  
“What do you mean besides you?” Duncan demanded, “There’s no guarantee that you’re going. There’s no guarantee that anyway is going, except for me, because that’s my sister and I have to get her back.”  
“Actually,” Sunny interjected once again. _I think that someone is going to have an argument with what Duncan just said, and they’re probably about to share it___  
“Duncan,” Klaus started carefully, and the rest turned to him in shock, “Maybe you wouldn’t be the best person to go on this particular rescue mission.  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
Panicking, Klaus cleaned his glasses with his shirt quickly to avoid having to look at the faces of the people who were questioning him, “Look, it’s not that I don’t want Duncan to be with us. I do. But I think that part of the reason the Spats need people to go with us so badly is that none of us really have that much of a connection to Dathan. It’s not that same type of soul bond that helps you find the person you’re searching for,” He paused as someone coughed something about the fact that it seemed like Klaus had such a bond with Dathan, but he merely frowned and ignored it, “But with Isadora, Duncan, you know how much we care about her. We’d die for her. We already have that connection. She’s just as much one of us as you are, as Nick is, as Sunny is. They don’t have any reason to trust us to look out for him, but you can trust us to look out for her. And it’s dangerous, Duncan, it’s dangerous to be pursued by Count Olaf. Isadora is already in danger, and you shouldn’t have to be too.”  
The thirteen children sat in silence, avoiding eye contact with each other, “He’d probably cry the whole time anyway,” Carmelita said, finally, no longer able to stand the quiet.  
“No I wouldn’t!” Duncan protested, looking around and then dropping his head, “Yeah, okay, I probably would. Whatever. So which three of you are going?”  
“I am,” Avery turned to the others, a glint in his eyes as he challenged the others to disagree with him, “I’m going. I’m getting my brother back, no matter what it takes.”  
“I think I should go too,” Lilith said, a sad smile on her face, “I’m the oldest and I had the opportunity to stop him, and I didn’t take it. I think it’s my responsibility to go.”  
Not bothering to sit up, Veruca shook her head, “I don’t think that’s the right idea, Lil. You’re the one that keeps this family from killing each other most of the time. The Baudelaires have Lilac to do that, and Violet as a second, but our second is Carm and no one actually listens to her anyway. If you leave this place will devolve into utter chaos.”  
“She’s right,” Richie nodded, looking between his two triplets carefully, “As much as I would love to see you raising hell and making out all over the city, I think that you should probably stay here.”  
Lilith was taken aback, knowing that they were probably right but wanting to argue anyway, “Okay, but I am not sending all of the babies out of here. Someone old has to go to, so who else would it be?”  
“Me and Veruca,” Confidently, Richie squeezed Veruca’s shoulder, “Right Ver?”  
She started to sit up, then merely flicked her brother’s hand off of her and relaxed back, “Why would I want to go to the city just to get the asshole back?”  
“Oh, well I mean you don’t have to-”  
Veruca did sit up then, snapping at him quickly, “No, I’m gonna do it and we’re gonna get the little bitch. Back off.”  
Angelica moved so that she was laying with her head in Lilith’s lap, “Y’know, I could’ve wanted to go get him,” They turned to her, ready to apologize, but she merely shrugged, “I mean, I didn’t. But I still could’ve wanted that. Actually though, I think it’s a good idea if Carm and Lilith and I are the three who stay. We are the most memorable, after all.”  
Frowning, Avery flicked a rock at his younger sister, “No you’re not!”  
“So as of now, we officially have four Spats,” Carmelita said, fluffing her hair happily, “And there’s two Quagmires still, they’re just a little different from the two before. And nine Baudelaires, which is an absolutely ridiculous amount of children.”  
All thirteen of the children nodded thoughtfully, wondering just how much of a shitshow this was going to turn out to be.  
The six-  
No not six, the _nine_ Baudelaires were still wondering just this same thing as Mr. Poe pulled up to 667 Dark Avenue.__


	11. Y'all Get To See Us ALMOST Break The Fourth Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first section of this made me SUPER emotional and I highkey wanna slaughter Olaf for it so just so y'all know  
Also I know I have a schedule and everything and I should just stick to it but I'm so PUMped up about everything in 7DS so here we are

“Hey, fuck you dude!” Dathan shouted at Count Olaf’s Hook-Handed associate, who was shoving him into a cage.  
Isadora cried out in anger as she tried to scratch at Count Olaf’s Bald associate’s face, who was also pushing her into the cage, “You motherfucker, let go of us!”  
“Now, now,” Count Olaf chided, slamming the cage door shut with a sense of mind numbing finality, “I think you children need to learn some manners,” The man reached a thin hand through the bars of the cage and stroked Isadora’s cheek lightly, “Especially you, my dear.”  
Although Isadora was frozen, Dathan sprang forward and began clawing and pinching and biting at Olaf, screaming out, “Don’t you _dare fucking touch her_! You fuckface! You bastard! If you even think about touching her again I’ll rip your goddamn hand off and beat you with it.”__  
Count Olaf jerked his hand back and stepped away from the bars, which Dathan continued to swing at him through. Olaf merely chuckled, low and dark, as he adjusted his sleeve, “Maybe you’re the one that’ll need some extra lessons in etiquette.”  
Snarling, Dathan stepped away and put an arm around Isadora, tucking her defensively behind him, “Where the hell are we? You son of a bitch, turn on the fucking lights and quit being a pussy! You can’t even do anything! You make your fucking henchpeople stick us in here, you won’t even think about facing me head on! Hell, you won’t even turn on the goddamn lights so we can cringe away from having to look at your ugly ass face.”  
“But I can’t turn on the lights, don’t you know?” Olaf growled out.  
A woman’s voice echoed behind him, and the two trapped children squinted at her powerful silhouette and listened to the sneer in her tone, “Light is out, and dark is in.”

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

“Oh no,” Veruca shook her head, “No way, I am not walking up those stairs.”  
“Illanimous!” Sunny scolded, _Don’t be weak_.__  
“Richie,” She complained, turning to her brother with a pout firmly on her features, “Please don’t make me walk up all these stairs.”  
He sighed, “Will you give me your cat socks?”  
Veruca paused to think about it but ultimately nodded and clapped in delight as Richie paused and turned, letting her jump on his back.  
“Are you really gonna carry her the whole way up?” Klaus asked, watching the two curiously.  
Chuckling, Richie started walking again, “It’s part of my magic abilities. I hide how incredibly buff I actually am,” He stopped and turned to Nick with a wide grin, “Want me to show you?”  
Nick stared at him, unsure of what he meant, and the two watched each other for any glimpse of a facial expression that would give away some emotion until finally Violet laid her hand on Richie’s shoulder, “Yes, please.”  
She and Richie laughed together as the nine children continued up the stairs, all of them wondering if they could just stop and set up camp on one of the landings and live there instead.  
Of course they didn’t do that, couldn’t do that, and so they slowly but surely made their way up the ridiculous amount of stairs.  
“Have you guys ever heard the theories about alternate dimensions? Or parallel universes?” Avery asked, trying to break the silence to avoid a fate of no one talking for another twenty or thirty flights of stairs.  
No one really reacted, not because they had never heard of those things but more because they didn’t particularly feel like talking.  
Still, he kept going, “So it’s basically the idea that there’s like an infinity of different forms of existence, right? So that for everything that we’re living, there’s an alternate universe where something is different, whether it’s something major or just one or two small differences.”  
“Au?” Sunny asked. _What types of things are different in alternate universes?_  
Veruca grinned happily from her perch on Richie’s back, “It can be anything. In a different dimension it could be as small as me being left handed instead of right handed, or as big as me never even having been born.  
“Exactly!” Avery crowed, “I was thinking, in this universe that we’re in right now, there are six Baudelaires, right? But we’re with them now, so there’s nine. So maybe in a parallel universe, there actually are nine Baudelaires. And maybe in another one there are only three.”  
“Maybe the timeline where there’s only three is the original,” Violet mused, “And we’re actually just the first branch off.”  
Richie had a bright and shiny grin as he looked at Violet, “I hope there’s a universe where it’s just you, baby.”  
She almost cackled at that, but tried to keep a straight face as she kissed him warmly on the cheek, “I hope that universe has just you in it too.”  
Frowning, Veruca shook her head, “I don’t think there’d be a universe with just one Baudelaire. Like Avery said, I think their pattern is set in threes, so if anything there’d be three Violets.”  
“Even better,” Richie winked at the inventor who was still standing next to him, although it was hard to tell in the dim light of the candles that surrounded them on the stairs.  
“Three Sunny?” Sunny asked. _Does that mean there’s a universe where there’s three of me?_  
“Sensible,” Solitude nodded. _I would assume so. That seems to follow the logical pattern_  
Avery leaned over and gently picked up Soli, who had been toddling up the stairs on her own for a while, and then took Sunny from Violet’s arms and held them each as he spoke, “God, you two have picked this up so quickly. You guys are so smart. Yeah, I’m sure there’s a universe where there’s three Sunny’s, which is probably a universe where Count Olaf is already dead because you just have too much raw power, right?” He asked, taking in her giggle, “And Soli, I bet your set of three has all of your Uncle Montgomery’s herpetological collection, and a bunch more that you’ve discovered all yourself. I’m sure there are three Violet’s, and Lilac is totally one of three,” He paused and handed a beaming Soli to Nick, “and Nick is totally one of three as well,” And he paused once more, holding Sunny out to Klaus but not passing her off for just a moment, as he looked sharply into his eyes, “and I’m sure there’s a universe with three Klaus’s and that universe probably has three stupid lovesick boys following the Klaus’s around, just like Dathan.”  
Klaus took the baby from Avery’s arms and held her close, trying to ignore the icy stare that had enveloped him, “Do you think there’s a world where there aren’t Seven Spats?”  
“If there’s any mercy in the world, there’s a universe with just one,” Veruca giggled.  
“Actually,” Nick muttered, “If there’s any mercy in the world, there’s a universe with none.”  
The others ignored this, Soli asking happily, “Which Spats?”  
The three Spats-  
Not Spats, the three Extra Baudelaires-  
Were silent for a moment, thinking this over. Finally, Richie chuckled, “Carmelita would say it’s her.”  
Veruca laughed as well, trying to hide how much she missed her sisters, and Avery nodded, “Because Carmelita is the most special little girl in the whole world.”  
After a moment’s pause as the Baudelaires watched how the stowaways missed their siblings, Lilac cleared her throat, “So is that all there is to the multiple universe theory thing? Just variations on how many siblings each of us has?”  
Nick shook his head at her, “No, there’s all sorts of theories of what could happen in an alternate universe.”  
“Yeah,” Avery was grinning again, “Maybe there’s one where people live in tunnels under the ground, sort of like mole people, but cooler and scarier.”  
“Maybe there’s one where Count Olaf is a good guy,” Klaus mused.  
“Or maybe one where we’re the bad guys,” Violet added.  
“Maybe there’s one where the Quagmire’s third triplet, Quigley, is alive.”  
“Maybe one with snakes talking.”  
“Maybe one where one of our parents survived the fire.”  
“Maybe one where Mr. Poe isn’t an imbecile.”  
“Maybe one where light is still in and we don’t have to walk in this ridiculous darkness.”  
“Maybe one where our family produced some people who actually know how to be good and how to love and to let ourselves be loved in return,” And everyone fell silent at that, just for a moment.  
“Bunnies!” Sunny added cheerfully, not noticing how heavy the silence had been, nor how her siblings had turned to her in shock. _Maybe there’s one where we can kill Count Olaf and get all the pedophiles out there along with him_  
“How do you know what a pedophile is?” Lilac shrieked, taking Sunny from Klaus and holding her sharp-toothed sister close to her chest.  
Sunny merely shrugged, letting Soli reply for her, “Books.”  
The nine children stared at each other, confusion and horror mixed across all their faces until finally, they each broke out into soft peals of laughter.  
The continued like this, climbing the unfortunate staircases and laughing and chattering until they finally, finally, _finally_ reached the penthouse, tired and panting but finally done.__  
Avery glanced from side to side, “Hey, why are there two elevators?”  
“Escalator,” Sunny grumbled. _There are zero elevators, just too many goddamn stairs___  
Lilac started to scold Sunny’s language but Klaus interrupted curiously, “No, he’s right. Look, at every landing there’s been an elevator, even though we aren’t able to use it. Now if you look on the other side at this landing, there’s another set of elevator doors. But how could there be an elevator there when there’s not any other entrance or exit to it?”  
All of the children turned to look at the elevator door, wondering the same thing, until Nick simply shrugged, “Who cares?” And the rest nodded in agreement and once again faced the entrance to the penthouse.  
“Open?” Soli asked, letting Babbit peak their head out to look around. _Well, are we just gonna stand here or are we gonna go inside?_  
Avery smiled and pulled some of the dead flies that Carmelita had packed him out of his pocket to give to them, “Don’t worry, Solitude, we’re getting there. But there’s another level of thinking that goes into this stuff, y’know? Everyone has questions about what we’re gonna face when we walk through that door.”  
The others nodded, turning to her seriously, all but Richie, who merely asked, “You think they’re rich?”  
“Shut up, Richie,” Veruca scolded, beginning to climb off of his back.  
Klaus was thoughtful for a moment before he shrugged, “I mean, they probably are rich. Mr. Poe said that she’s the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, and they live in a penthouse. You have to assume they at least have some money.”  
“Do we? Do we _have_ to assume that?” Avery asked, looking shrewdly at Klaus, “I’m pretty sure that we’re allowed to assume whatever we want, Baudeboy.”  
Snorting, Nick turned to the blonde boy with a dark look, “Baudeboy is such a ridiculous name, do you know that? There’s two Baudelaire boys in this family, not just Klaus.”  
“Well, until you get Richie kidnapped for being an idiot with a crush, your brother will continue to be the Baudeboy, and you’ll continue to be Nick.”  
The other eight turned to him, watching his small form begin to shake with anger for a moment, looking so much like his missing triplet as he closed his eyes to keep himself under control that they stared. Finally Sunny babbled, “Fair enough,” and the children moved their attention back to the entrance to the penthouse.  
After what felt like ages, the children stepped to the door and pushed it open, squinting into the dark, but incredibly large, entrance room.  
“Wow.” __


	12. Thank God Orphans Are In

“Thank you,” Isadora sighed, sitting on the ground with her head resting against her knees.  
Dathan snorted, “For what?”  
He was pacing around the tiny cell, even though he was barely able to move in it, but Isadora reached out and tugged on his leg sharply, pulling him to sit next to her, “For before. With Olaf. I was frozen, and you actually did something, and I just wanna say thank you.”  
“Yeah, okay, whatever,” Dathan muttered, not bothering to look at her.  
Isadora, however, was not having that, and she smacked him as hard as she could, “Listen, dickface, I get that you’re a Spats and you’re all bitches and whatever, but I just gave a very nice and heartfelt thank you and the general response to that is to say you’re welcome.”  
Turning to her then, his eyes wide, Dathan asked carefully, “Wait, you meant it? You’re thanking me?”  
“_That’s why I first said thank you, but now I’d really like to shank you_.”__  
“It wasn’t sarcastic? It’s not a commentary on the fact that part of why I did it is just because my sister has a crush on you? Or because I feel like it’s my fault that you’re here in the first place because I should’ve just hidden in a different fucking spot? You’re not trying to subtly call me out for something? Or make me feel uncomfortable? You’re actually just saying thanks...because you want to thank me?”  
Isadora paused, staring at him, “Dude, what the fuck?”  
“Sorry, sorry,” He breathed, shaking his head and his limbs out in shock, “I don’t think this has ever happened to me before.”  
“What, you don’t think you’ve ever had a panic attack?” She asked carefully, trying to figure out how to calm him down, “Because it seems like you’re having a panic attack.”  
“No, this isn’t a panic attack,” He paused to laugh, “Believe me, I’ve had plenty of those. It’s just that I think this might be the first time someone has ever apologized to me.”  
Frowning, Isadora shook her head, “That doesn’t make any sense. You’ve got such a huge family, someone in it must have apologized to you for something in your life.”  
“I’m serious, I don’t think it’s ever happened. I mean, yeah, people have apologized to me before, but not for real. I don’t think anyone has ever meant it.”  
“Anyone?”  
“Maybe, somewhere way back. I vaguely remember someone singing me a thank you song when I was little, because I helped him weed his garden. But that’s it,” He thought carefully, trying to remember the face behind it, but all he could think of was the sweet, rough voice that sang to him.  
“Oh,” Isadora cleared her throat uncomfortably, trying to figure out what to say to something like that, “Well, I meant it. Thank you.”  
Dathan nodded, chewing lightly on his thumbnail as he tried to focus on his hazy memory.  
That is, until Isadora turned to him with a curious smirk, “So, which one of your sisters has a crush on me?”  
“Oh shit, I really wasn’t supposed to say that.”

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

__ _“Wow,” The nine Baudelaires said together, glancing around the giant entryway of their new home._  
“Should a place with this much obviously valuable stuff in it really have the door left unlocked?” Nick asked, glancing around curiously.  
“Should a place really have this much stuff that I want?” Avery asked, trying to decide which items he most wished to own and concluding very quickly that it was all of them.  
“Not when I’m around,” Richie scoffed, having already slipped four of the various knick knacks around the room into his many pockets.  
Lilac frowned, pulling a small brass elephant with a saxophone for a trunk out of the boy’s hand to set back on the table it had come from, “Richie, you can’t just-”  
“I knew I heard someone coming in!” A man interrupted, who was wearing a pinstripe suit and a very wide grin.  
“Oh!” Lilac spun around, trying to put on her friendliest smile in return, “Hello, Mr. Squalor, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Lilac Baudelaire, and these are my siblings, Violet, uh, Richie, Veruca, Nick, Klaus, um, Avery, Solitude, and Sunny.”  
“Well goodness, you sound a little out of breath, let me help you. First of all, you can save your breath by calling me Jerome, instead of any of that silly Mr. Squalor business. And second, I’ll fix you all up some martinis to quench your thirst.”  
Lilac frowned, “Aren’t martinis alcoholic?”  
Richie beamed, “How many can we have?”  
Klaus squinted at the drinks, “None of us are old enough to have alcohol.”  
Veruca leaned over and muttered to Nick, “Is everyone in this family a buzzkill?”  
Sunny giggled in response, “Mostly just them.”  
“Oh no,” Jerome began handing glasses out, “These aren’t alcoholic martinis, those are out. What’s in right now are aqueous martinis, which are essentially just cold water with olives in fancy drinking glasses.”  
“We’ve never had aqueous martinis before,” Violet said carefully, “But we’ll be happy to try them. Thank you very much for preparing them for us.”  
“Well of course,” Jerome took a sip from his own glass, “And Lilac, I apologize, but it would really be best if you put the elephant back down. I know he’s quite fun to look at, but he’s also very expensive, and it might be best if you look rather than touch for now. I apologize if I’m being too stern.”  
“Oh, um, no, this was just-” Lilac sputtered, looking at the tiny figurine that was still clutched in her hand.  
Unfortunately, she was quickly cut off by Richie, who had a shit eating grin on his face, “Yeah, Lilac, where are your manners? You really shouldn’t go around grabbing things that don’t belong to you, it’s very impolite. In fact,” He paused, having turned to see the rest of the Baudelaires standing there awkwardly and blurting out, “Klaus, what the hell are you doing?”  
Everyone in the room turned to look then, wondering the same thing as Richie as they looked at Klaus holding the martini glass by the rim.  
But he had no time to defend himself, as at just that moment a booming but incredibly suave voice echoed through the room, “Ah, I see the Orphans have arrived. How excellent.”  
“Yes, the Baudelaires are here, my dear. I was just about to tell them how close we were to their parents, and how we wanted to adopt them as soon as we heard the unfortunate news,” Jerome smiled at his wife but shot an apologetic glance at the children when she called them orphans.  
“Why didn’t you?” Avery asked, drinking steadily from his martini.  
The woman came sailing down the stairs, chuckling, “Because orphans were out then. But now they’re in, and we’re very happy to have you, because when my friends hear that I have nine real live orphans living with us, they’ll grow sick with jealousy,” Even in the dim light of the room the woman’s long fingernails glimmered, her own pinstripe suit tailored to curve around her, “Good evening, children, I am Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor. I’m the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, and although I am incredibly fabulous and outstandingly wealthy, you may call me Esme. Don’t worry, I’ll learn your names later.”  
The children stared at Esme as she picked up her own martini glass and took a deep drink, Soli whispering, “Seems bitchy,” Which seems like a complete sentence but roughly translated meant _This woman seems particularly rough around the edges and not very kind, but I will pass on making any extreme judgments until I’ve had the opportunity to get to know her better___  
“First impressions are wrong,” Sunny muttered back, which also seems like a complete sentence but also had a very different translation. _No, this woman is definitely a bitch. People like to say that first impressions are often wrong but she clearly has some serious issues and I’d very much enjoy biting her nails off___  
Klaus ignored his younger sisters and stepped forward, “We’re very glad to hear that you like orphans so much. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but we have very good,” He cleared his throat uncomfortably but then shrugged and kept going, “We have very good orphan friends, the Quagmires, who have gone-”  
Esme clasped her hands together joyously, smiling at them, “Oh of course, the Quagmires. Don’t you worry children, as soon as they’re found they will be able to live with us as well.”  
Beaming, Violet straightened up in excitement, “Oh, do you really mean it?”  
“Why, of course! After all, it’s always good to have a few spares lying around.”  
The nine Baudelaires glanced nervously at each other as they followed Esme and Jerome into a huge living room with curtains taped to the windows so that as little light as possible would come in.  
“I like your home very much,” Lilac was trying to break the tension that had flooded into the room, “The dark is very lovely.”  
“I knew she was goth,” Richie grinned to himself, although he spoke quietly enough that only Veruca and Nick were able to hear him.  
“Glad to hear that at least one of you new orphans has some fashion sense. Here’s a quick lesson for all of you, okay? Dark is in, light is out. Aqueous martinis are in, alcoholic martinis are out. Stairs are in, elevators are out. Orphans are in, horses are out. Repressed emotions are in, a healthy sense of self is out. Salmon is in, herring is out. Mountains are in, lowlands are out. Pinstripe suits are in, whatever mess you all are wearing right now is out,” Esme listed, eyes glistening with each addition.  
Jerome stepped forward, smiling at the children warmly, “What I think Esme really means to say is that we want to make sure that you all feel safe, happy, and comfortable here.”  
“That definitely is not what I mean,” Esme started, but then the phone rang and she jumped to grab it, speaking in quickly, “Hello? Yes, this is Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor. Oh? What is it? Really? Yes. Yes. Of course not! Amazing. Thank you!”  
She slammed the phone back onto the receiver and turned back to the rest of them. Jerome took in her expression and asked quickly, “What was that about, dearest?”  
“The very subject we were just discussing!” Esme was moving constantly as she spoke, excitement buzzing through her.  
Avery jumped straight into the air, crying out, “They found the Quagmires?”  
“What? No, no,” Esme grinned, “Dark is officially lit! Light is in again! Jerome, turn on the lamps. Baudelaires, take the curtains off the windows. I’m going to run around in panicky circles,” The children stated at her and she clapped twice to get their attention, “Don’t just stand there! Go! Move! Before anyone see that we’re still dark!”  
Shaking their heads, the nine Baudelaires got started with their task, wondering what exactly they had gotten themselves into. 


	13. The Fault-lines Between Families

“So,” Dathan asked, turning to Isadora with a laugh, “You wanna make out to kill the time?”  
Isadora stared back, eyebrows scrunched as she tried to figure out whether or not he was serious, “You do know that I’m a lesbian, right?”  
“Really? I thought you were Jewish,” He laughed again, and then shrugged, “Yeah, you’re a lesbian, and I’m into your brother’s boyfriend, but we don’t exactly have room to play hide and seek, so we might as well do something.”  
“We could just scream fuck at the top of our lungs.”  
Dathan thought about it for a moment but let a wry smile cover his face, “Yeah, okay.”  
“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!” Screamed Carmelita, Angelica, and Lilith Spats from where they were sitting in their dorm common area.  
“What?” Duncan ‘Spats’ asked, looking both horrified and confused by his ersatz siblings.  
Angelica shrugged, pulling a bottle of soda out from under the couch that the four were seated on, “Sometimes you just have to yell.”  
She adjusted her legs, which were sprawled across Lilith’s lap, so that she could kick gently at Carmelita, with her legs resting on Duncan’s. Carmelita kicked back, laughing lightly, “Yeah, don’t you ever just scream stuff at the top of your lungs?”  
Duncan frowned, reaching behind Carmelita to adjust the cushion she was leaning against so that she would stop squirming around so much, “I mean, I guess I yell stuff sometimes. But you three all did it completely randomly, and all at the same time. That’s weird.”  
Although she had been batting lazily at her sisters’ feet where they met at the edge of her lap and Duncan’s, Lilith turned to the boy with a chuckle, mussing his hair affectionately, “It’s just something that happens sometimes, Baby Spats.”  
He frowned again, running his fingers back through his hair as he tried to fix it, “Can you stop calling me that?”  
“Unfortunately,” Lilith had gone back to batting at Carmelita and Angelica’s feet with one hand, but the other was bouncing from place to place as she tugged at his jacket and played with his hair and was altogether a nuisance in the most sister like way that one could imagine, “I cannot.”  
“It doesn’t even make sense, Lil,” Duncan griped, trying to figure out how to avoid her hand while being stuck seated next to her, “I’m definitely older than Angelica, and I’m pretty sure that Carm is a few months younger than me too.”  
Carmelita giggled, beginning to tug at his sleeves and poke his face in an equally sisterish way, Angelica mirroring her on the other side, as the redhead spoke, “But see, it does make sense. After all, you may be older than us, but you’re the youngest Spats because you’ve been a Spats for the least amount of time. That makes you the baby.”  
Chuckling in spite of himself, Duncan twisted and turned as he tried to avoid the poking and prodding of the girls, “Yeah, whatever. You guys are the most ridiculous sisters in the world, you know that?”  
The girls fell all over each other, and all over him, Angelica cackling with delight, “Yeah? Well, you’re the most annoying brother in the world.”  
All four were rolling across the couch, laughter echoing through the room, until they suddenly stopped and looked at each other fretfully.  
“Wait, no, I didn’t mean-” Duncan sputtered out, his face growing pale.  
The three girls sat up straight, Lilith cutting him off quickly, “No, no, of course not, neither did-”  
Carmelita shuffled her feet against the ground anxiously, “No way, that wasn’t our intention we just-”  
“Yeah, no, we never would’ve-” Angelica reached desperately under the couch, trying to find a chocolate bar or a bag of chips or anything else in the world that she could eat at that moment.  
Still stumbling over themselves and their words, Duncan sprang up from the couch and shook his head carefully, trying to clear out his discomfort, “I think I’m just gonna go to bed, okay guys?”  
“No, Duncan, you don’t have to go to bed, you can just stay out here, you really can,” Carmelita spoke, trying very hard to keep the very obvious tone of begging she had from overtaking her voice.  
“I think, I think it would really be best if I just went ahead and left,” Duncan sighed, beginning to turn away.  
“Situations from which extrication is very difficult,” Lilith said suddenly, staring very intensely at him, “A bog or an area of boggy ground that yields under your feet.”  
“What?” Duncan asked, as confused as ever.  
Angelica whispered, too afraid to break the still vulnerability that had filled the room by speaking loudly, “Quagmire.”  
Duncan gave a quiet snort, letting a tiny smile lift the edges of his features, “Petty quarrels or a light blow, such as a slap or a smack.”  
“What?” Angelica and Lilith managed to ask simultaneously, looking suddenly even more unsure of themselves.  
Rolling her eyes, and certainly less afraid of breaking the stillness than her sister, Carmelita scoffed, “Spats, you dumbasses.”  
The four looked at each other carefully, holding their breaths, before Duncan returned to the couch, letting himself sit carefully between Carmelita and Lilith once more, letting the three of them lean against him, letting himself nuzzle against their shoulders and join them in one of the softest, warmest, bestest group hugs he’d ever been in, and in fact that the girls had ever been in as well.  
And the four stayed there, curled up together, for the rest of the night, falling into gentle sleep, and dreaming of all the siblings that they so desperately missed. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!” Screamed Richie, Veruca, and Avery.  
Violet knocked the door open, slamming it with her shoulder, rushing in followed by the other Baudelaires. “What’s wrong?” Violet cried out, looking around for the source of danger.  
“What do you mean, sweet stuff?” Richie asked calmly, blowing a quick kiss in her direction.  
Lilac was still looking around frantically, her eldest sister instinct running wild, “We heard you shouting. Did something happen?”  
Avery laughed, not unkindly, “No, nothing happened. We were just shouting. Don’t you guys ever do that?”  
“But,” Klaus still looked worried, and the three extra Baudelaires noticed with amusement that he carried a large book in his arms like he was ready to hit someone with it, “But you all shouted the same word. And all at the same time! There has to be something wrong, right?”  
But of course, there wasn’t  
It was Sunny and Solitude who recognized what must have happened, as they were the ones who had seen this before.  
“Seen this before,” Soli said, smiling comfortingly at her older siblings.  
“What? When?” Lilac asked, confused.  
Sunny bared her teeth, “Back at Prusuck.”  
“Okay, well,” Nick frowned, “Can you guys _not_ do that?”__  
“We can do anything you want, darling,” Riche gave him his best and brightest smile, which only served to make Nick frown all the more deeply.  
Violet cleared her throat and leapt forward, rolling onto the ground next to Richie and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, “And that’s why we love you, sweetheart.”  
Making a noise in the back of his throat, Klaus shook his head a little, “Would you guys come out to the living room with us?  
Avery looked up at him from where he lay, hanging off the side of Veruca’s bed, “Why do you want us out there, Baudeboy?  
Soli toddled forward, placing a gentle hand on his leg, “Friends.”  
“Yeah, okay,” Avery sat up, ignoring the blood rushing through his face from the sudden lifting, “You know I can’t say no to my very good friend Solitude,” And he picked her up, slinging her playfully over his shoulder as she giggled with delight.  
“And I couldn’t say no to my very good friend Babbit,” Richie called, the frog in question perched at the crest of the boy’s curls.  
Soli giggled again, now sitting piggy back style on Avery’s shoulders and reaching her hands out excitedly for Babbit, “How’d ya do that?”  
Richie dodged to the side and let Babbit hop down to his shoulder, “A true magician never reveals his secrets.”  
“Or hers!” Added Sunny.  
“Or theirs!” Soli reminded, swinging an arm out towards Babbit, chuckling as they hopped away, “Babbit, come on!”  
Holding his pocket open for the frog to hop into, Richie gave her a soft smile, “You’re gonna have to learn how to pick pockets if you want him back.”  
“Yeah!” Avery cheered, spinning around and holding tightly to her feet so that she’d be safe, “I can teach you how to pick pockets, Soli. Richie can help. Then you can get Babbit back whenever you want.”  
“Yeah!” Soli agreed.  
“No!” Lilac snapped, horrified, “You two are _not_ allowed to teach our little sister how to be a criminal.”__  
Nick was quiet, quiet enough that he could claim subtlety, but of course not nearly so quiet that they wouldn’t hear him, “I mean, you’re the one that uses her hair pins to pick every lock in the world.”  
“Flamethrowers,” Sunny added. _And Violet spends all her time trying to get you to let her make a flamethrower_  
Violet grinned, “And Nick has, by far, the dirtiest mouth out of all of us.”  
“And Klaus,” Nick started, pausing and glancing at his twin brother, giving a quiet snicker, “Well, Klaus doesn’t really do anything, but still. The point is, Soli learning to pick pockets probably wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”  
Lilac was frowning deeply, looking almost as incredibly concerned as she actually was, “Listen to me, we are not teaching the youngest members of the family to be thieves. We go out every morning and we’re around people, and we should feel lucky that we even get to see the city and our old favorite places. We’re not risking that freedom by you guys being pickpockets.”  
“I guess, to be fair,” Violet thought carefully about it, “We probably are already on thin ice since _someone_ takes the elevator everyday.”__  
Veruca wasn’t phased by this, just picked casually at loose thread from the strips of pink she had added to the pinstripe suits that they were forced to wear by Esme, “Listen, I’m not walking up a million stairs everyday for no reason. If Jerome sees us off in the lobby and we’re just going to be up here all alone in the afternoon anyway, who’s gonna know? Just have to walk up the first set of stairs to keep up appearances so Esme doesn’t claw my eyes out with her ridiculous nails, and then I can elevator up here and do nothing until you guys finally make it up.”  
“Sparks!” Sunny countered, laughing a little. _I don’t think that you sit here and do nothing, I think you sit here and read your yucky gooey romance novels that you don’t want us to know you have_  
Sticking her tongue out, Veruca picked Sunny up and placed her on her shoulders in much the same way that Avery was holding Soli, “Alright, do you know how much work it took to remove the teething rings from the collar and cuffs of your school jacket and move them to your suit? You should be nice to me for at least two more weeks for that.”  
Sunny laughed even harder and dug her hands into the knot that Veruca put her hair into, tugging playfully, “Living room!”  
Veruca merely shrugged, and turned to Avery with a bright smile, “Wanna race with our gremlins?”  
“You sure?” Avery tried and ultimately failed to hold in a chuckle, “You know you’re gonna lose, right?”  
Veruca shrugged, trying not to balance Sunny so she wouldn’t fall off, “Who cares? We made the signs to mark our way to the living room, so we won’t get lost. I may lose, but it’ll still be fun.”  
“Does Babbit count as a gremlin? Can we race too?” Richie asked, incredibly excited as he lifted the frog onto his shoulder.  
Avery and Veruca made eye contact, considering this for a moment, before Avery nodded, “Yeah, Lil would probably consider them at the same level of gremlin as these two are. You can race. But after we get there it’s my turn to play with Babbit! I want them!”  
“Actually,” Sunny glanced at Soli. _I think Soli is about to say something about that_  
“Actually,” Soli nodded, “Froggies out. Herpetology out. I hide them from Esme.”  
Avery pouted, his urge to play with the frog increasing by a ridiculous amount.  
But now wasn’t the time for that, now was the time to race.  
The three extra Baudelaires took off in the direction of the living room, holding their little friends carefully.  
It was true that Richie and Avery were far faster than Veruca, but she had a few advantages.  
First of all, Richie was holding a frog, rather than a toddler or a baby. As a general rule, it is often far harder to safely carry a frog while running than it is to carry a small child while running, although interestingly enough that rule is reversed if the person holding the frog or the small child is standing still.  
Avery, of course, was not holding a frog. He was holding Soli, and he ran very well, and he knew right away that he was a surefire winner. His issue was that Veruca, who ran approximately never, was the exhausted type of sprinter that drifted all over the hall, moving in front of her brother and slowing him down.  
The disadvantages of her brothers, combined with Sunny’s cheering and pulling of her hair, allowed Veruca to take the lead.  
“Mush!” Cried Sunny to Veruca, which meant _Mush!_  
“Mush!” Shouted Soli to Avery, which meant _Mush!_  
“Ribbet!” Croaked Babbit to Richie, which was frog language for _Mush!_  
As they reached the entrance to the living room, Avery and Veruca neck and neck-A phrase which means that they were both very very close, and not that their necks were pressed together-Avery gained the most minuscule of advantages, so they could see that he would cross the threshold just before Veruca.  
But Sunny, being a wonderfully competitive feral child, threw herself forward and stuck her arm out, effectively making the two girls enter the room, technically, before Avery and Soli.  
Fortunately, Veruca managed to hold onto Sunny, as the baby had flung herself with such enthusiasm that she almost toppled off.  
Still, they beamed, Veruca falling to the ground and adjusting Sunny so that the tiny girl would land on top of her, and the two cheered loudly at their victory.  
“That was a bit of a dirty trick,” Avery chuckled, flopping down next to the girls, “No wonder Dathan likes you so much.”  
“You know who would love these two?”  
“Cousin B?” Richie answered Veruca, entering the room just behind them.  
“Yes!”Veruca was grinning, reaching up to adjust her hair a little, “He’d love all the Baudelaires, honestly.”  
Richie laid down next to Avery and gave Babbit space to hop between the two of them.  
The final four Baudelaires made their way in then, looking at the rest of their siblings on the floor, and Lilac laughed, watching their heavy breathing, “You guys are so close in age, how do you know fun stuff to do with kids?”  
Shrugging, Richie pulled a dead fly out of his pocket to give to Babbit, “Fun is fun, man. Besides, our cousins used to do that with us when we were little.”  
“What cousins?” Jerome asked, having just entered the rooms, “I don’t recall your parents having any nieces or nephews.”  
Esme, who had entered right behind her husband, nodded emphatically, “Especially not Bertrand.”  
“Uh-uh,” Soli shook her head, holding her pocket open for Babbit to quickly jump into and hide. _No, of course we don’t have any cousins_  
Veruca sat up straighter, avoiding Esme’s eyes, “No, sorry, um, sorry, we don’t actually have any cousins of course, they were just friends who were so close that they felt like cousins.”  
Staring very intensely, Esme took a step closer to the girl and then stopped and shrugged, “Whatever. I’ll be honest, I don’t really care. I’ve been categorizing items for the In Auction in my head this whole time.”  
“Noitcuani?” Sunny asked, puzzled. _What exactly is an In Auction?_  
Jerome smiled kindly at his wife, “It’s a normal auction where everyone bids on the innest items, and Esme hosts it every year.”  
“Indeed I do,” She purred, examining her nails, “This year I have hired the very innest auctioneer in the city, and he’s coming tonight so we can plan. It’s a grand event, and all of the money goes to an excellent cause.”  
“What’s the excellent cause?” Nick asked.  
“Me, of course!” Esme clapped her hands together in excitement, taking in their frowns, “Oh, don’t tell me you want me to give it to the poor. If you give money to the poor, they won’t be poor anymore, and then we won’t have anyone to feel sorry for. All the money goes completely and one hundred percent to me, as it should.”  
Patting her on the shoulder gently, Jerome spoke, “Well, whatever you think is best, dearest. Now I was planning to show the children to play chess tonight, so would you like us to go to another room for that?”  
“Oh no, you won’t be in the apartment tonight. I can’t have any of you interrupting the genius that will be flowing between me and Gunther. No, I’ve made reservations for you at the nicest, hottest, innest restaurant in town, Cafe Salmonella.”  
“Is that the restaurant that only sells salmon?” Veruca asked, watching Esme nod eagerly in response, “Okay, but the thing is, I’m allergic to salmon.”  
“Oh!” Avery cried out joyfully, “I saw an announcement that said the Travelling Handler Ballet Troupe is performing tonight. Why don’t we go there?”  
Esme frowned, “Ballet is out, and it’s not expected to be back in for at least a few weeks. Perhaps you all can go see them once it’s in again.”  
“But they’re travelling,” Avery pouted a little bit, “They won’t be here in a few weeks.”  
He was thinking about when he was around two years old, the vague memory of his cousin taking them to go see the Travelling Handler Ballet Troupe, the signed program from the show that he kept folded in the pages of the ballet history book that Cousin A had given him for his third birthday.  
“But Cafe Salmonella is very in,” Esme rolled her shoulders back, “And ballet is very not. Now, please stop complaining about silly things like dancing or anaphylactic shock and get out before Gunther gets here.”  
“What do you think are the chances that Gunther is going to turn out to be Count Olaf in disguise?” Richie whispered to Veruca.  
“Oh, I’d say about a million percent,” She muttered back.  
“Well, let’s be off, children,” Jerome swooped forward, waving for the nine Baudelaires to follow him, “We don’t want to miss our reservation, nor do we want to start some type of argument.”  
The Baudelaires gathered their things up and got ready to leave, turning to the door and watching a man enter.  
Violet was the first to register and she gasped in shock at the sight of Count Olaf standing in front of them, wearing tall, shiny black boots that covered the tattoo on his ankle, a monocle over one of his eyes, and a pinstripe suit to match the rest of them.  
“Hello, it is nice to meet you, please,” Olaf spoke in a clearly fake accent, “I am Gunther, please, very excited to plan the In Auction, please.”  
At that, Avery let out a growl and lunged forward, almost reaching Olaf. Fortunately for Olaf, and unfortunately for any decent person in the world, Richie and Nick grabbed onto Avery’s collar and dragged him back, holding him away from committing murder, at least for the time being.  
“My, my, my,” Gunther gave the children a wicked smile, “This one, please, has quite a lot of passion, thank you. I know different boy with same stupid corn colored hair, please, that is passionate too. Unfortunately, please, I haven’t seen him in a while, as he’s all tied up at the now time.”


	14. If Only An Adult Could Be What You Needed Of Them

The door of the cage clanked open, and as Isadora and Dathan began to stir they heard it slam back shut, but no locks being placed.  
The two were huddled together with their heads tucked against each other, fitfully sleeping as in such darkness they couldn’t tell between day and night anymore, so they simply slept when they couldn’t think of anything else to do. They glanced at each other, wondering what was happening, and raised their heads together to see who it was.  
They hoped for the henchperson of indeterminate gender, not because they were particularly kind to the two children but because Dathan had casually mentioned that being given a small amount of food while at a formative age could lead to eating disorders, which capitalism profited from, and ever since then the henchperson would bring them extra bread and oranges and sometimes even small cups of coffee.  
They would’ve also taken the white faced women or the hook handed man, all of whom had mentioned things about losing siblings and felt bad for the two kids that they still thought were both Quagmires, and would give them fabric to stuff in their clothes so they wouldn’t get too cold or extra pens and paper for them to write on.  
But no one ever opened the door, and even if they did, they always locked it back immediately.  
So who hadn’t locked them in?  
A sickening pit filled their stomachs as they realized that this, in fact, was the worst possible option.  
“It’s been a little while, children,” Count Olaf sneered, staring down at them.  
“What do you want?” Isadora spat out, glaring at him.  
He took a step forward and the kids pushed themselves closer to the wall of the cage, “Manners, little girl, manners. I just thought it might interest you two to know that the Baudelaires have arrived to the care of their newest guardians.”  
“The Baudelaires are here?” Dathan moved his arm in front of Isadora as Olaf took another step towards them, but he couldn’t contain the excitement and concern in his voice.  
“Oh yes,” Olaf took yet another step, closer than he’d been to them since they were put there, “All nine of them.”  
Isadora sat up a little straighter behind Dathan’s arm, staring, “Nine? What do you mean, nine?”  
“Oh, _Quagmires_, you don’t really think you’ve fooled me this whole time, do you?I used to know a Spats, a pretty little thing, with long, pale red hair that looked like a flame when she moved, and more like it when she was burning,” He chuckled, reaching down and stroking Isadora’s cheek, “You’re the only Quagmire here, aren’t you, darling?”__  
Dathan burst up faster than any of them had expected, lunging at the Count and almost knocking him to the ground, “You motherfucker! Don’t touch her, you absolute ass clown, I’ll kill you with my own fucking hands, you shitbag!”  
He was beating the man, biting as hard as he could, clawing, punching, kicking, doing everything he could to get across the message that Count Olaf was not wanted.  
Count Olaf growled, something low and feral that sent a chill down the kids’ backs, and he picked Dathan and up with one arm and threw him to the ground, slamming him against the barred wall.  
“Dathan!” Isadora shrieked, rushing to him as quickly as she could.  
Kicking Dathan again, hard in the stomach, Olaf used his foot to nudge Isadora to the side, “Oh, you clearly don’t realize that children who misbehave need to be punished. And this boy here, this Spats, this pretender, needs to be punished.”  
He grabbed Dathan by his hair, lifting the boy up. Dathan winced in pain, but he managed to swing his knee up and slam it between Olaf’s legs, “Don’t you fucking touch Isadora, or the Baudelaires.”  
Dropping to one knee, Olaf swung Dathan back against the wall and let him drop, “I will touch whatever I want,” He slammed his hand down, right next to the boy’s face, close enough that Olaf laughed as Dathan winced away, “But I won’t have to. I can just get at the other pretenders.”  
Her voice shaky over the sound of the boy’s gasping, Isadora whispered, “What do you mean the other pretenders?”  
“Don’t you listen, little orphan?” Olaf was sneering down at them, “There are _nine_ Baudelaires. Where do you think the extras came from?”__  
Dathan groaned and leaned forward, biting hard at Olaf’s ankle, crying out when the man kicked him hard in the mouth in response, “Listen Count Fuckface, which ones are there?”  
“Is… Is Duncan with them?” Isadora was distracted from Dathan, looking up fearfully.  
Olaf shrugged, “Do you brats really think I pay that much to who any of you are?”  
Isadora stood up, trying desperately to get in his face and be intimidating, which of course she was much too small and he was much too small for, but she ignored that and tried to give a good snarl, “Then tell us what they look like.”  
Dathan wrapped a hand around her ankle and tugged her down away from the Count, muttering to her in a panic, “Careful, Isa, please be careful, please.”  
Giving a sharp kick to Dathan’s arm, Olaf snorted quietly, “Oh, you desperate boy, jealous, are we? Now, as to what they looked like, there were the six _real_ Baudelaires, then there were two children, a boy and a girl, with black hair, who looked remarkably similar. And of course, there was another little blonde boy, just like you,” He sneered and then crouched down, “Of course, he didn’t have your demon eyes.”__  
Blinking up at him, Dathan growled, “I don’t have demon eyes you motherf-” He silenced himself with a gasp as Olaf socked him, hard, in the eye.  
“Stop it!” Isadora cried, trying to throw herself over Dathan, “Stop hurting him!”  
“Hmm,” Olaf ran his dirty fingers through Isadora’s long hair, “What will you do to convince me, darling?”  
Dathan leaned up a little and bit Olaf’s wrist as hard as he could, rolling over to the other side so that Isadora was flipped behind him and then turning back to face their captor, “I told you not to _fucking_ touch her you son of a bitch!”__  
Olaf gripped Dathan by the collar and pulled him to his feet, slamming him against the cage wall, “And I told you I’ll touch whatever I want!” He reared his head back, then, and slammed it forward into the younger boy’s face.  
“Why can’t you just leave us alone?” Isadora demanded, standing up once more and trying to push Olaf away, although it was made difficult by Dathan grabbing her around the waist and trying to hold her back from the bastard man.  
Leaning forward, Olaf’s nose nearly touched hers, “Because I’m too busy having fun,” He dropped Dathan’s collar, watching the boy crumple onto the ground, “I just wanted to let you two know that you may have some new guests soon.”  
And with that, Count Olaf turned and locked the cage behind him, smiling to himself as he listened to Dathan sob, as he listened to Isadora sniffle and hold back tears as she desperately tried to comfort him, as he listened to the children start to lose hope. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“I can’t believe they wouldn’t listen to us!” Avery complained._  
The nine Baudelaires were in one of the bedrooms they had taken over, discussing the night’s events. They’d chosen two rooms that were connected by a secret passageway behind two bookcases, so they could talk at anytime. Lilac, Violet, Nick, Klaus, Solitude, and Sunny’s bedroom had two bunk beds in it, and Richie, Veruca, and Avery’s had a single bed that the three of them shared most nights, although Avery and Veruca often abandoned it to sleep on the floor rather than deal with Richie’s tossing and turning.  
After dinner at Cafe Salmonella, Richie had carried Veruca gingerly up the stairs, stopping only once to let her throw up in a potted plant, and then had run most of the rest of the way up so they could get her to a bathroom.  
The others had followed, Nick grabbing a bucket from one of the many closets in the penthouse apartment, and they had the two triplets follow them to the bunk bed room.  
Now the nine were settled in, Nick and Soli on top of one bunk, Violet and Sunny on top of the other, Klaus and Lilac sharing one of the bottom bunks, Richie and Veruca on the other, and Avery laying sprawled dramatically across the floor.  
Nick snorted, blocking Babbit from hopping off the bed, “We can believe it. This always happens.”  
Nodding, Veruca swept a strand of hair back from her sweaty forehead, “Avery, I know it’s hard, but you have to remember that most adults don’t… don’t-” She paused, leaning over to retch into the bucket she was holding in her lap, “Adults don’t really do that much for us. We have to depend on ourselves.”  
“But Jerome and Esme are adopting us, aren’t they?” Avery looked up at her, confused, “I mean, they’re adopting the Baudelaires, and for right now we’re Baudelaires. If they adopt us that makes them our parents, and your parents have to look out for you, right?”  
Richie frowned deeply and pressed a cold cloth against Veruca’s face, trying to calm her down while also figuring out what to say to his littlest brother, “Ave, I mean, parents just aren’t always there for you the way they should be.”  
“Yeah,” Violet nodded, “Count Olaf was still making us call him father when he tried to marry Lilac.”  
Everyone shuddered, Avery slipping into absolute horror, “But our parents would look out for us, right? They always took care of us.”  
Veruca and Richie exchanged uneasy glances, thinking about their parents.  
Their parents, who they had heard talking about their Cousin A just a few days before the Incident.  
Their parents, who had gotten Angelica caught in the crossfire of their constant battles once when she was a kid, and could’ve killed her if she hadn’t been so incredibly against vegetables.  
Their parents, who they had seen drenching each other’s pillows in gasoline and then going to bed with matches in their pajama pockets.  
Their parents, who had gone away for a strange vacation at their mother’s brothers’ (although she’d told the kids that it was her cousins and not her brothers, at the time) hotel and had left the children, eight, seven, and six at the time, to take care of themselves for the weekend.  
Their parents, who hadn’t even bothered to check what was happening when young Carmelita had come in complaining of being bitten, so that the girl had to try and take care of her dog bite herself.  
Their parents, who on the day of Carmelita getting bitten hadn’t even realized that she was trying to run away from them.  
Their parents, who had yelled at the children for trying to put sugar in their tea.  
Their parents, who forgot all of the Seven Siblings birthdays.  
Their parents, who didn’t keep it a secret that they hadn’t never want kids in the first place, especially not Seven of them.  
Their parents, who never held them when they cried, instead said that there were more things in the world to cry about.  
Their parents, their parents, goddammit, their fucking parents, how did Avery not know, how had he not picked up that the Seven Siblings basically raised each other, which was probably a decent part of why they were all so fucked up.  
“Guys?” Avery stared at his brother and sister, “Our parents were good parents, right?”  
Soli tapped Nick gently on the arm, and he looked carefully at the desperation on Veruca and Richie’s faces before he burst into conversation, leaning over the rail of the bed to look at Avery, “I don’t think this is the thing to focus on,” He gave a gentle nod towards Richie, who had just made grateful eye contact with him, and then he continued, “We have to figure out what Olaf’s plan is, and how he’s gonna get to us. Maybe he’ll try and auction us off at the In Auction.”  
Lilac frowned, “It’s illegal to auction off children.”  
“Not everywhere,” Veruca corrected, and then she threw up into the bucket.  
“Okay, one, it’s definitely illegal here,” Violet cringed as she listened to Veruca throw up again just below her, “And two, why did you eat the salmon if you were allergic to it?”  
Eyes fluttering, Veruca shrugged, “I didn’t wanna be a bitch.”  
“Since when?” Avery laughed, although he reached up to retuck the blanket that Veruca had across her lap.  
“I mean, I didn’t wanna be a bitch to Jerome,” She coughed, “He’s the only guy in this whole city that’s been nice to the three of us since we got here.”  
Violet swung down her head over the edge of the bed to look at Veruca, defensive of her brothers, “What about Nick and Klaus? They’ve been plenty nice, all things considered.”  
“Hey, that’s slander!” Nick protested, “I take great pride in being a dick to them.”  
Richie laughed, winking up in Nick’s direction, “Interesting, because I take great pride in d-”  
“Woah!” Klaus interrupted, shooting a warning glance at Richie, “Look, I know you have your whole imaginary sexual tension with my twin brother and my older sister thing, but can you watch it when there are literal children around?”  
“Are you talking about yourself?” Avery quipped, glancing up at the bookworm.  
Still leaning halfway off the bed, Violet gave the blonde a dirty look, “Aren’t you younger than him?”  
Veruca vomited, trying her best to hold eye contact with Violet by leaning over while she did so, “Leave him alone and go eat a peppermint.”  
Lilac tossed a pillow across the room, hitting the wall next to Veruca’s head, “Hey, don’t be nasty to her just because you’re mad that she’s right.”  
“Yeah, who would ever intentionally give themself an allergic reaction?” Violet snapped, and Veruca and Lilac both glanced up at her angrily.  
“Sorry I didn’t wanna be an asshole, I didn’t think it’d be this severe,” Veruca complained.  
At just the same time, Lilac gave a deep frown, “We _had_ to give ourselves allergic reactions, it was the only way to get us safe!”__  
Everyone in the room erupted into shouts, complaining about different things and occasionally tossing things at each other.  
Everyone except Soli, who gave a very loud shriek, “Stop it!”  
They froze, turning to the toddler in concern, and she yelled again, “No more fights! None! Olaf wants fights! Stop it!”  
Quick muttered apologies took over the room in place of the fighting as everyone realized how right Soli really was.  
“How’d you get so smart, Soli?” Richie asked, glancing up with a soft smile.  
Avery rolled over to look at his brother and then rolled again to see Soli, “Good question. Solitude, how do you manage being so much better than us?”  
“Not hard,” Sunny giggled.  
“Be nice, Sun,” Soli laughed too, shooting her sister a short lived disapproving glance, “But it’s true.”  
Laughing, Richie smiled up at the two kids, “True, but still harsh.”  
“Maybe we should all just get some sleep, try and figure out what Olaf is up to in the morning,” Lilac sighed, her eyelids already fluttering shut.  
“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Veruca nodded, beginning to stand, but her knees buckled instantly and she sat back down and leaned over her bucket.  
Klaus frowned, “If we’re doing maybes, then maybe you guys should just sleep in here tonight.”  
“No,” Avery shook his head, moving onto the bunk with his brother and sister and rubbing Veruca’s back gently, “We don’t wanna be burdens.”  
“I mean,” Richie pressed the cold cloth back against his sister’s face, “I always love to be a burden, but Avery is right. Aves, just help me move her so that I can lift her up and carry her to our room.”  
Violet frowned and grabbed an extra blanket from her bed, tossing it down to them, “No, you guys really should stay in here. If anyone wakes up with an epiphany _Gunther_ we should be close to each other to talk about it anyway.”__  
“That’s why we have the bookshelves open,” Veruca pointed out.  
“Stay here!” Sunny demanded. _No, because you’re still not close enough for easy discussion, and also, you’re very sick. Just stay here and sleep, dumbasses_  
Lilac nodded, “Yeah. Stay here. We can all bunk together. It’ll be good.”  
And it was so late, and Veruca so sick, and her brothers so worried, and everyone so tired, that no one was able to bring themselves to argue, that the nine Baudelaires let themselves drift off to fitful sleep, together. 


	15. A Big Empty Shaft

“The elevator!” Klaus shouted, turning to his sibling with a wide eyed look.  
The nine had woken up the next morning to find Jerome gone, a note left for them saying that aqueous martinis were out and parsley soda was in, so he’d be shopping for the next few hours while Esme was busy having brunch with the King of Arizona, and since then the kids had been puzzling over where Gunther had disappeared to, and where he had hidden their friends.  
They frowned, staring at him, “Didn’t we already agree that for Gunther to keep up appearances he would’ve had to take the stairs?” Violet asked, hanging upside down off of her chair to try and stimulate blood flow to her brain.  
Klaus wasn’t thinking too clearly, beginning to hyperfixate, and he simply stood up and yelled again, “The elevator!”  
“I legitimately have no idea what to say now,” Nick sighed, staring at his twin.  
It was, shockingly enough, Richie who stood up first and nodded to Klaus, beginning to follow him towards the front door of the penthouse, “Lilith and Angelica both get like this sometimes, with the repetition and everything. It usually leads to something interesting, whether it works out or not,” He sighed, gesturing for the others to follow.  
And, after a moment of looking at each other warily, they all did.  
Klaus was racing through the halls, thinking hard, but he kept taking wrong turns and getting more and more lost, occasionally turning to Richie, who stayed right behind him the whole time, to mutter, “It’s the elevator!”  
“I know it is, buddy, I know it is, but we’ve gotta find the elevator so you can show me what you mean,” Richie would say, trying to steer him in the right direction, but when he had first reached out to try and guide Klaus by the shoulders Klaus had yelled, loudly, and after that Richie kept his hands off and merely nodded along and tried to help speak Klaus back into the present, like he sometimes did with his siblings when they were exuding this type of energy.  
“The elevator,” Klaus panted a little, out of breath from running but frantic just the same, “We have to find the elevator!”  
“We’ll get there, don’t worry. It’s okay, okay? Just breathe, c’mon,” Richie jerked his head in the direction of one of the halls, trying to show which way they needed to go, “Let’s just go this way, you just keep using that big old egghead of yours, and I’m just gonna help you find the way, okay?” And he hummed, occasionally throwing lines from Shakespearian plays that he could vaguely remember or stanzas of poems that his siblings liked to recite to themselves when they were overwhelmed.  
The rest of the Baudelaires, false or real, were walking slowly and making their way to the actual door, Avery and Veruca letting them know that Richie could take care of this, that he did it with them and their sisters and Dathan pretty often, that maybe by the time they got back and made it to the elevators Klaus would actually be able to articulate it.  
And he was, when they finally made it, he was speaking calmly enough.  
At some point during the time that they had been running the halls, Klaus had dropped to the ground and curled into a ball, whispering about the elevator to himself.  
Richie had dropped next to him, careful not to touch Klaus, and had simply pulled his cards out of the inner pocket of his suit jacket that Veruca had sewn in for him, shuffling them quickly and then beginning to do quick card tricks on the ground.  
Klaus’s eyes had trained on the cards after a moment, and once a few minutes had passed he finally spoke something Richie could actually understand, “How do you do that?”  
Shrugging, Richie lifted the cards and handed them to Klaus gently, “Try shuffling.”  
And he did, he tried, but he dropped the cards all over the place and he started to panic and he breath was coming in fast and and and  
“Hey, it’s okay, buddy,” Richie lifted the cards and carefully shuffled them, handing them back to Klaus, “Have you ever shuffled cards before?”  
The bespectacled boy in front of him shook his head, curling up a little tighter, but Richie just smiled, “Just try. Can I touch your hands?” And after Klaus nodded he did, trying to keep his touch light so he wouldn’t scare him, “Okay, see, we just go like this, okay? Just like this.”  
And ten minutes later, after Klaus had sort of gotten the hang of shuffling the deck, and Richie had made him laugh twice, and had convinced Klaus to accept a piggy back ride the rest of the way to the elevator, they appeared in front of the other seven Baudelaires with Klaus calmly explaining his theory, with Richie occasionally comparing his ideas to poker strategies.  
“How the hell did he do that?” Violet asked, looking at how calm her younger brother was in complete awe.  
Richie shrugged, kneeling down so that Klaus could climb off his shoulders. “Sometimes it just takes a minute. Now, who wants to go on an elevator ride?”  
“We still don’t know what that means,” Veruca complained.  
“Then give Klaus the chance to explain it,” Richie sighed, resting his chin on his palm as he leaned against the wall, “Go ahead. You’ve got this.”  
Klaus gave the boy a nervous smile and then turned to the others, “Okay, so this elevator has doors in the lobby, and doors on each floor, and doors here. So this is the elevator that people would use if it wasn’t out, right?”  
“That sounds like how elevators work, yes,” Nick stared, wondering vaguely if his brother had lost it.  
Klaus ignored him and turned to Violet and Lilac, “Do you two know anything about elevators?”  
Lilac gave a little shrug, thinking about it for a moment, “I know how to fix them.”  
“I actually know a decent bit about it,” Violet tapped her heel as she thought about it, “It’s a platform, it’s controlled by a push button console and has an electromagnetic braking system so transport can be halted whenever the passenger wants.”  
Lilac nodded, “The platform is surrounded in an enclosure, and it moves along a vertical axis in an endless loop of belts and ropes.”  
“So it’s a box that goes up and down,” Nick glanced around, “Y’know, if you’re a normal person. But what does that have to do with anything?”  
Avery’s jaw dropped, rushing forward next to Klaus, “Oh! There’s two sets of elevator doors outside the penthouse, but there’s only one in the lobby. God, this is like the most basic puzzle, I can’t believe Baudeboy figured it out before me!”  
“Okay, rude,” Klaus shot him a look.  
“Sorry, it’s just an impulse at this point. But if there’s only one door on every floor except this one, then that means that only one elevator should stop at the top floor. So where’s the exit?”  
“I don’t think there is one!” Klaus had bounced back immediately, excited that someone was understanding where he was going with this, “I think it’s ersatz.”  
“So it’s just a big empty shaft?” Avery asked, just as excited.  
“Huh,” Richie grinned, “You mean sorta like Uncle F-”  
Veruca smacked him on the back of the head, making him stop speaking abruptly, and she grinned, “Okay, I’ve done my part to help the mission.”  
“Thank you, Ver,” Klaus turned and examined the panel of the elevator, “Now, someone please tell me why there would be an up button on an elevator that’s already on the top floor.”  
“There wouldn’t!” Soli beamed, looking proud of herself.  
They all stared at the elevator doors, wondering what they would find on the other side. Would Olaf be there? His henchpeople? More danger? Or perhaps finally something safe for them to see?  
Unable to control his desire, Nick smacked the up button on the elevator, and they watched as the door opened to reveal…  
A normal elevator.  
“Shit, what? I was so sure!” Klaus shouted, ducking inside the elevator and looking around carefully.  
They all stared for a moment until Veruca said simply, “That’s the normal elevator.”  
“What?” Everyone asked, staring at her.  
“Look, okay, there’s the elephant that Richie keeps stealing from the Squalors. He asked me to hide it so Lilac would stop yelling at him for being a thief, and I put it in the elevator since no one uses it,” She pointed to the corner where the little brass figure stood, “See? So this is the normal elevator.”  
Lilac leaned forward and snatched up the elephant, turning to Richie and rolling her eyes, “Why? Why can you not just leave things in the house of our guardian? Why do you have to be a chronic thief? And why this elephant specifically?”  
Richie merely grabbed it out of her hands and stuffed it into his pocket, not bothering to answer her.  
Shrugging, Soli looked up at her siblings, “Wrong side.”  
“So why is there an up button?” Nick asked, looking carefully at the button.  
“It could just be a design flaw,” Violet hummed, examining it herself.  
“Ooh,” Richie grinned, “Or it could just mean that there’s something interesting on the roof. Our uncle has a rooftop tanning salon at his hotel, so maybe there’s something like that here.”  
Violet nodded, “I think they had something like that at the hotel our parents took us to before they died.”  
“Well, as much fun as reminiscing is,” Nick turned to face the other side of the stair landing, “Don’t we have buttons to push?”  
“You always do,” Klaus laughed, quietly, then turned to look himself.  
As the nine Baudeaires stared again, they found themselves overwhelmed with worry about the what would be on the other side this time, terrified to risk hitting the button now more than ever. It was Sunny who finally did it, stretched to the very edge of her tippy toes and reaching as high as she could, that finally pressed the button gently.  
“Now that’s more like it,” Avery said, giving a low and appreciative whistle.  
“Reed,” Sunny agreed. _There aren’t any ropes___  
Lilac grinned, picking her youngest sister up, “Not to mention any pulleys.”  
For behind the elevator door, this elevator door, the non ridiculous mistake elevator door, there was simply nothing.  
No platform, no enclosures, no ropes or pulleys or anything, just a long and empty corridor, as if whoever designed the building had taken a hallway and stacked it on its side, and the children looked into the deep and inky black.  
“So,” Richie wasn’t looking anywhere near the drop off, in fact was staring in the opposite direction, but he spoke with a cool sense of calm even though they all knew he was probably freaking out, “What are we supposed to do now?”  
They looked around at each other, suddenly realizing that they hadn’t thought about that part.  
“We could wait for the Squalors to get home, and maybe they could help us,” Avery suggested, looking hopeful.  
“Um,” The rest looked around at each other, unsure of what to say.  
“I know what to do!” Violet crowed, turning to Nick and Avery, “You two have the penthouse layout memorized the best, right?” She didn’t wait for them to respond, “I need you to get us to craft room number three.”  
“That’s the one with all the out items, right?” Nick asked, turning to the blonde boy.  
Avery nodded, “The one with the giant basket of rutabagas. Let’s go.”  
The two led their siblings down the halls, occasionally pausing to discuss which way to turn, but it wasn’t long until they burst through the door of the craft room, Violet reaching into her pocket but immediately frowning, “That’s strange, I can’t find my ribbon.”  
“Oh, my bad,” Richie pulled it out of his own pocket and handed it to her, “Avery thinks that your hair ribbon is really neat so I was trying to get a good look at it for him. Here.”  
Violet didn’t even bother to question it, just took the ribbon and tied her hair up quickly, turning to her siblings, “Okay, Li, can you get that basket for me? And do you think it’s big enough to fit all of us?”  
Lilac nodded, “I’m sure it could, if someone can help me tip the rutabagas out of it, but why-”  
“Richie, help Lilac with the basket,” Violet cut her off, continuing to give directions, “Avery, you and Nick get some of those blankets and I’ll tie them together using the Devil’s Tongue Knot. Klaus and Veruca, you guys get rope, and Sunny and Soli, get some flashlights. We’ll definitely need them.”  
“Okay, but what exactly are we doing?” Veruca asked, beginning to wrap a great length of rope around her wrist.  
It was Lilac who realized first, staring at her sister in shock, “Oh, Vi, this is absolutely crazy. This is a horrible plan.”  
“I know,” Violet said, tying the blankets, and Lilac sat down next to her and started to help.  
“Wawawawawaaah?” Sunny asked. _Would you care to share with the rest of the class what exactly your plan is?_  
Lilac grinned, “It’s a parachute basket. We’re gonna drop ourselves down the elevator shaft.”  
“You’re right, that is a horrible plan. I’d say there’s a 90% chance that at least four of us are gonna die,” Richie was beaming at this, “Show me how to tie this knot and I’ll help you get it done faster.”  
Violet high fived him, giving him a quick tutorial on what to do before she sat back on her knees for a minute and looked at the rest of her siblings, “This is the parachute. When it’s done, we’ll attach it to the ropes, and then we’ll attach the ropes to the basket.”  
“How long will it take to make this?” Nick asked, looking around, “And what can I do to help in this verifiable floating death mission?”  
Barely sparing a glance from where she had once again begun tying, Violet spoke slowly as she tried to keep her concentration in focus, “It’ll probably be a while, so hopefully we can get it done before the Squalors get back. Can you write them a note saying that we went shopping for pinstripe suits or something so they won’t question why we’re gone?”  
“Ooh!” Nick cheered, “I love lying.”  
“Don’t worry about us getting done,” Avery sat down next to Riche and watched him tie the Devil’s Tongue Knot a few times and then started repeating the action himself, “Violet, when you and Lilac make or work on an invention it pretty much guarantees that things will work themselves out.”  
The two eldest Baudelaires paused to smile at the boy, and Violet reached again into her pocket to pull out a long piece of loose thread that had ripped off the hem of her suit. She passed it to him and turned back to her work immediately, but she still managed to explain, “It’s not as nice as the ribbons Li and I have, but it should work for now.”  
Grinning, Avery managed to pull the top of his hair up into a little tiny ponytail, tying the thread into a sloppy bow and then returning to his work with a new and even more vibrant zest. 

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

__ __ __ _“What was that?” Isadora asked, squinting around the darkness._  
Dathan had cried until he was completely dehydrated, and then he drank four cups of water, fell asleep and whimpered through his nightmares for a couple hours, and started sobbing again immediately once he woke up.  
It was silent crying, most of the time, but he took in long and ragged breaths, loud enough that Isadora was questioning whether or not she was hearing things at this point.  
“Dathan, did you hear that?” She repeated, looking at him.  
“I’m crying like I’m fucking Avery! What the fuck is this?” Dathan yelled, or tried to yell, although his voice was hoarse. He’d been saying things like this the whole time, things about his brothers and sisters, about his parents, his family, things about how it was all his fault they were there, how Isa was in danger, how the Baudelaires were in danger, how he had ruined everything.  
He was curled in a tight ball, and she had been trying to comfort him for a while, but she gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder as she whispered to him, “Okay, okay Dathan, I know. I get it, you feel like a sap, but that’s okay, and I’m not gonna tell you to stop crying, but I need you to just be a little quieter, please, alright?”  
Dathan didn’t respond but began to shake a little harder than he had been, suppressing some of the sounds from his crying.  
“We really suck at planning,” Sounded a voice from the darkness, incredibly faint, and Isadora sat up a little straighter.  
After a few moments she heard another, “I’m down for murder.”  
“God, same,” Isadora thought aloud, and then, “Dathan, seriously, do you hear that?”  
Silently, Dathan sat up, looking around in the darkness alongside Isadora.  
And when she was wondering if she had gone completely crazy, she heard the boy next to her gasp, “Isa, look!”  
And there, in front of them, was the beam of a flashlight.  
And at that time the nine Baudelaires got their first real look at Dathan and Isadora, although they were somehow wishing that they didn’t have to.  
“_Maybe we need to have a vacation, but if this is real it’s time for celebration,_ ” Isadora whispered.__  
Dathan was hyperventilating, although the tears had stopped, “This can’t be real, can it? This can’t be real. They can’t be _here_ here. People hallucinate under extreme stress, right?”__  
“I read a book about hallucinations once,” Klaus spoke, stepping closer to the cage that the two children were trapped in with his flashlight in hand, “And you’re right, that can happen because of stress. But this is real. I promise.”  
“Baudelaires?” Isadora asked, reaching her arm between the bars and letting it get grasped onto by the six, “It really is real, Dathan, they’re real!”  
“Of course we’re real, you little dummy,” Richie laughed, and he and Avery and Veruca reached through the bars themselves to hold onto him, “I’m too beautiful for you to imagine.”  
The Baudelaires turned to look at Dathan as well, Klaus gasping, “Is that a black eye? Who did that to you?”  
Avery stared at the spot that Klaus had just pointed out on his brother’s face, “Baudeboy is right. What happened?”  
Giving a deep, croaky laugh, Dathan turned his face slightly more profile, “I thought I told you to stop calling him that.”  
One arm wrapped around Dathan’s shoulder, Isadora looked at them carefully, “What about Duncan?”  
“Safe,” Veruca assured, trying to tell just from looking in the dim light how sleep deprived her brother was.  
Lilac nodded, “He’s back at Prufrock, undercover as a Spats with the rest of them.”  
“We’re so sorry,” Klaus said, feeling the cold bars of the cage brush his arm, “We got you guys wrapped up in this, and it’s all our fault. We’re sorry.”  
Isadora just shook her head, starting to protest that, but Dathan crumbled next to her, burying his face in his arms.  
“Dathan? What’s wrong?” Avery asked, eyes flicking between his brother and Isadora.  
Isadora was now holding Violet’s hand very tightly, thumb rubbing over her wrist, “He’ll… I…. He’ll be okay. Olaf just comes in sometimes and he, well, he brags. He tells us everything that he could-”  
“Don’t say it!” Dathan cried out, not lifting his head.  
Reaching her other hand down to rest on his head gently, Isadora continued, “We’ll just say he brags. But, in good news, he told us his plan. He couldn’t resist, and I guess it just came out, and we wrote it all down in our commonplace books.”  
“But Dathan doesn’t have a commonplace book, does he?” Nick asked, more concerned than he had expected himself to be.  
And all at the same time they spotted the small pink notebook that was peeking out of the grimy pocket of Dathan’s school uniform jacket, Isadora shrugging, “He got it when we found the book in the library while we were trying to hide. We know all about the spyglass and we think we know what’s going on now.”  
“The spyglass?” Klaus reached into his pocket and pulled the cylinder out quickly, almost dropping it, “What about the spyglass?”  
Isadora took it quickly and flipped a few dials on it so that a warm red glow was coming from it, “This is heat. See? Maybe it’s kinda like the flame-”  
“Flamethrower!” Violet cheered, taking the spyglass herself, “Maybe it’ll work on the lock.”  
They nodded, Dathan finally standing up and speaking as Violet focused the heat on the lock and tried to melt it, “Count, um, I, Count, um, _he_ told us the plan, like Isa said. He’s going to hide us in one of the items and sell us at the In Auction, but he wouldn’t say which one.”__  
“You’re not going to any damn auction,” Richie was almost vibrating with excitement and anger and nerves.  
Violet nodded, although she had dropped the spyglass down from the lock, “We’re going to get you guys out of here.”  
Taking the spyglass, Lilac examined it herself and then realized what was happening, breathing out slowly, “Oh,” And when they turned to her, “The spyglass won’t melt the lock, it just gets hot. And it’s not a normal pin and tumbler lock that we could just pick. I think we need some supplies.”  
“You’re leaving?” Isadora asked, more panic in her voice than she normally would’ve liked.  
“Just for a little bit,” Violet assured, taking the spyglass back, “We can use the heat to rise back up in the balloon and then get our stuff and be right back. But we can leave someone here with you.”  
The others nodded seriously, but Isadora shook her head, “No, stay together. You’re stronger together, Baudelaires.”  
“Then we’ll stay,” Avery said, Veruca and Richie nodding alongside him.  
Dathan’s head shook violently, “No, no, stay with the Baudelaires. They’re smart enough to keep you safe…” He paused to look closely into Klaus’s face, “Smart enough and strong enough and good enough to keep you safe. Stay with them, stay out of trouble, please.”  
Avery shook his head desperately, “We can’t just leave you guys here.”  
Klaus had met Dathan’s eyes, staring into them deeply, but he broke off for a moment to glance at the only other blonde boy, “We won’t just leave them here, Ave, we’ll come back. We’ve got them,” And he turned back, letting his hand reach forward so his fingertips brushed against Dathan’s, “I promise.”  
And with that, tears in the eyes of everyone there, the nine Baudelaires turned around and walked away. 


	16. Is It Autumn? No, It’s FALL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the title silly and lighthearted to make up for the fact that this chapter is not at all silly or lighthearted

“Do, uh, do you know what that is, Violet?” Veruca asked, pointing above them.  
“Do I know what a parachute is? Yeah, I do,” Violet wasn’t really paying much attention, as she was focused on holding the spyglass steady, but she was never one to miss the chance to be snarky.  
Klaus nudged Violet gently, pointing up at the parachute himself, “I think she’s talking about that terrifying orange glow, actually.”  
“Oh.”  
The parachute was in fact a gently glowing orange, not quite on fire but at the point just before it.  
“We need to cool it off somehow,” Lilac frowned, staring hard at the spyglass.  
Nick shook his head, pulling Soli tight against him, “If you turn off the heat we’re gonna fall.”  
“Do you trust me?” Violet asked, turning to her siblings desperately.  
Avery, Klaus, Soli, Sunny, and Richie all nodded without question. Nick looked around for a moment before he sighed, he and Veruca agreeing, and then Violet turned to her older sister, “Li?”  
“Of course I do. But it kinda depends on what you’re gonna do.”  
And then Violet turned the spyglass off.  
Klaus and Avery grabbed onto each other, clinging tightly, and screaming louder than the others had previously thought possible. Veruca and Lilac also grabbed each other, but Veruca’s teeth were clenched and Lilac was biting her lip, so neither of them were shouting like their brothers. Nick let out one sharp yell and dropped to the ground covering Soli, and then he reached desperately for Sunny. Richie was the one that pushed Sunny to Nick and Soli and huddled over the top of them, wrapping his arms around all three of them and hyperventilating, his eyes shut tight.  
Only Violet stood completely calm, and with a deep breath she counted, “Okay, three, two,” And she flipped the dials back and turned the spyglass heat on. They began to lift again, and Violet turned to her siblings with a sigh, “Guys, guys, stop screaming. You’ll scare the Quagmires.”  
Richie was shaking, his whole body breaking out in tremors, but he nodded seriously even though he hadn’t been the one yelling.  
Avery and Klaus, however, did stop screaming, and when they realized they were holding each other they broke apart in worry and disgust.  
“FUCK!” Nick shouted then, arms still tight around his baby sisters.  
“Please don’t do that ever again, please,” Avery begged, trying to resist his urge to start sobbing.  
Violet shook her head, “I’m gonna have to do it in a few seconds.”  
Still shaking violently, Richie gave a desperate cry, “No! No, please.”  
“We either go up and down or we explode. Do you want to explode?” Violet snapped, counting in her head how much time they head.  
Nick’s hand found the edge of Richie’s, neither of them having processed that Richie was still curled over the top of him, and Richie could not, in fact, resist his own urge for sobbing, and his tears soaked into the shoulder of Nick’s suit jacket, but neither could make the effort to care, not when they were so scared, for themselves and for the people they loved.  
Violet went up and down three more times, Avery and Klaus clinging to each other each time, Veruca and Lilac holding hands nervously, and Nick and Richie curled over the two giggling toddlers.  
And then Violet turned to them and said simply, “We’re going to have to jump.”  
“What?” Veruca spluttered, fingers clenching tighter around Lilac.  
But Lilac was nodding, looking carefully at where they were, “She’s right, this is the right idea. If we float a little bit above the door we can turn it off and jump off. It’ll be okay.”  
I will not share today the events of their jumping, because it required a nine second period of extreme emotional turmoil, because although the entire story of the six Baudelaires and the Seven Spats contains an awful lot of extreme emotional turmoil, it usually does not find itself in so small and efficient a package.  
So all I will say is that all of them made it off the elevator safely, although a bit shaken. The parachute basket dropped to the ground, but everyone from the eldest to the youngest to Babbit the frog were perfectly fine, after they’d taken a moment to collect themselves.  
And then they heard footsteps clacking up the stairs.  
“Shit!” Nick yelled, and he slammed his hand onto the down button, the door sliding shut just as a certain _in_ woman reached the top of the steps.__  
“What are you children doing out here?” Esme asked, looking around at the nine Baudelaires, who were trying very hard not to look suspicious- which of course made them seem all the more suspicious.  
“We were, um, we were,” Klaus was stumbling over his words, wondering to himself why he had chosen to speak at all.  
Richie saved him though, smiling with as much charm as he could muster at Esme, “We were just waiting for you to come back. How was the King of Arizona?”  
“Well he was-” Esme paused, looking at them carefully, “What on _earth_ are you children covered in?”__  
They looked at each other in the light, realizing that they had been covered in some type of dusty powder, presumably from being in the elevator shaft.  
“It’s, uh, drugs?” Nick replied.  
“Yeah, yeah, it’s cocaine! Who doesn’t love cocaine, right?” Richie added.  
Violet smacked both of them on the back of the head, “Shut the _fuck_ up, both of you.”__  
“Children,” Esme’s eyes narrowed, “What is really going on?”  
“Um,” Soli said, looking to her siblings for backup. _I don’t really know how to answer that question so I’m just going to stand here being lovable until someone else thinks of what to say___  
But there wasn’t time for them to think of something, because Esme just gave a deep sigh and turned towards the door, “Come with me, children, come to the parlor,” She glanced at the nine behind her, who were frozen in shock, and opened the door for them impatiently, “Come along now, let’s go. We’ve no time to waste on dilly-dallying.”  
The nine looked at each other carefully, but slowly they followed Esme.  
She had them sit in the parlor, smiling at them much more warmly than usual, “Okay, now you wait right here and I’ll go get you all some parsley soda, and then we’ll have a nice little chat.”

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“Alright,” Esme said to Olaf as she swept through the door from the parlor, “I think I can get them to talk to me. If you all wait for us, hidden in a side room or at the edge of the staircase, you can grab them.”_  
“Excellent,” Olaf crowed quietly, wrapping an arm around her waist, “Now, I saw them through the crack in the door, so I’ll explain to the henchpeople what their target looks like and they can take care of things.”  
Esme nodded, a devilish grin on her face, “I can’t wait, darling.”  
She wandered off to talk to the white faced women about something for a little bit while Olaf explained to the rest what they were looking for.  
“Okay,” Olaf clapped his hands together dramatically, “Now, since there are two of the boy pretenders, I’ve used my excellent observational skills to convey the message to you that the boy we’re taking is the one with dark hair, and not holding a baby, okay?”  
The henchpeople nodded, envisioning who they were to grab, and went off to join in with the white faced women’s conversation with Esme 

__

___ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~____  
The nine Baudelaires, of course, had no idea that any of these conversations were going on, as at that time they were having a conversation of their own.  
They watched Esme leave, Avery looking to Nick, “Do you think we should go tell her the door to the kitchen is on the other side?”  
Nick shrugged, “It’ll loop back around.”  
“She’ll be fine,” Klaus snapped, looking at his siblings frantically, “We’re absolutely fucked. What are we gonna do?”  
“I think we should just tell her the truth,” Avery muttered, arms crossed over his chest.  
Snorting quietly, Nick shook his head, “Esme is a bitch, she’s not gonna help us. She probably won’t even believe us.”  
“McFly,” Sunny suggested from her seat on Klaus’s lap. _Whether she believes us or not, we can always just go behind her back and take care of things_  
Veruca nodded patiently, “Kiddo has a point. There was more rope in the craft room, so we can use it to climb down the shaft.”  
Although she was more focused on Babbit and was letting them jump from her shoulder to Nick’s, whose lap she was perched on, Soli agreed simply, “Reed.” _Yeah, there’s a lot of rope. It’ll be hard to climb back up, but I’m sure we’ll be fine_  
“Since we know there must be an exit down there, hopefully it’ll be easy to find and we can just slip out,” Violet added, thinking about whether or not she could convince Lilac to let her make a flamethrower.  
“But what if the door is locked?” Asked Richie, who was sprawled with his legs over the arm of his chair.  
Nick lifted Babbit off his shoulder and placed them gently back in Soli’s pocket, “Then we’ll wait until Olaf comes in and beat him to death.”  
“Stop suggesting murder,” Klaus complained.  
“I think it’s justified at this point,” Avery gave a tiny shrug and then fiddled with the piece of thread that Violet had given him.  
“Sorry that took me so long, children,” Esme swept through the door with bottles stacked between her arms, “I got just a little bit lost.”  
“Coke does that to you,” Richie nodded with a sage sense of wisdom.  
Esme frowned, handing four bottles to the couch for Soli, Sunny, Nick, and Klaus, “It’s not cola, darling, it’s parsley soda.”  
She passed him a bottle and then gave two to Lilac, who was sharing a chair with Veruca, and two to Violet and Avery on the ground.  
“Thank you,” The nine said in chorus, staring warily at the bottles in their hands.  
“I really do prefer _coke_ though, don’t you, Esme?” Richie asked calmly as he fiddled with the lid to his drink.__  
“Cola isn’t in, parsley soda is,” Esme took a deep swig from her drink.  
Richie muttered, “That’s not the coke I was talking about.”  
“Drink, children, take a drink. See what you think of the soda,” Gesturing for them all to take a drink, Esme took another swig.  
They did, albeit nervously, and Klaus managed to say, “It tastes like parsley.”  
“Isn’t it incredible, that’s what I taste too,” Esme was reading the label, but she turned to them with a sharp look in her eyes, “But no more stalling. Tell me what’s going on.”  
“Well,” Klaus blanched, “It’s a bit complicated.”  
Rolling her eyes, Esme pointed a well manicured finger at him, “My dear, _life_ is complicated.” __  
“It’s complicated,” Lilac agreed with her little brother nervously, “But it’s also important. Can you trust us with just that?”  
“Well if it’s important, you should tell me. After all, I’m important,” Esme’s face softened, “And you all are important to me. I know I haven’t been the most attentive guardian, what with planning the In Auction and my job as the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, but I care about you children. So please, tell me what’s wrong. I want to help you.”  
The children looked at each other carefully, trying to decide, and finally they each let out a deep sigh, Sunny responding for all of them, “Okay.” 

_ __ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _When they had finally finished explaining to Esme, she stared at them in surprise. _  
“So the missing Quagmires are actually only one Quagmire, and the other is a member of the Spats family?” She asked, puzzling slowly through it.  
“Yes,” Lilac nodded.  
Esme paused, counting on her fingers, “Okay, and there are actually only six Baudelaires? The other three of you are Spats, looking for your missing brother?”  
“That’s correct,” Avery agreed.  
“And you all have been looking for the so called Quagmires this whole time?”  
“We have.”  
“Gunther, my incredibly in auctioneer, is actually Count Olaf in disguise?”  
“Yep.”  
“So you found that the elevator isn’t really there, that it’s just an empty shaft?”  
“One of the elevators, that is, but yes.”  
“And you built a dangerous invention using supplies from one of my craft rooms so that you could get down there and look around?”  
“Yes ma’am.”  
“Down at the bottom you found your missing friends, locked in a cage by Count Olaf?”  
“We did.”  
“But you couldn’t get the door unlocked so you came back up for more supplies and left them alone down there?”  
“Only temporarily alone.”  
“Because Olaf’s treachery has been following you ever since the death of your parents, and you don’t want your friends to be afflicted with it any more?”  
“Exactly.”  
“And you found out that Olaf’s plan is to smuggle the Quagmires out of town in one of the items at the In Auction tonight?”  
“That’s what they told us.”  
“Well,” Esme took an exhausted swig of her parsley soda, “This truly is quite the predicament, isn’t it? It’s practically the least in thing I’ve ever heard.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Don’t you worry, Baudelaires, or non Baudelaires,” She sent a wink in Veruca’s direction, “We’ll take care of this right away!”  
Lilac looked up at her in utter amazement, “Really?”  
“Why of course! We’ll call the police immediately and tell them to come here and arrest Count Olaf,” Their guardian stood up, her shoulders rolled back, “Of course our telephone has broken at just the wrong time, but that’s okay. We’ll simply go down to the lobby and use that one. Follow me, children, and we’ll have your friends back in no time at all.”  
As she swept her way out of the room, the Baudelaires hopped up excitedly to follow her. Avery led them, Klaus close behind with Sunny in his arms. Lilac and Veruca were looking at each other, excited grins on their faces, and Violet walked close on their heels.  
Nick, however, held back for a moment, glancing carefully at Soli and whispering, “Since when is the phone broken?”  
“I didn’t think it was,” Richie said, next to Nick’s ear, making him jump.  
They walked through the parlor and to the door, all three thinking carefully, and when they reached the hall that held the phone, Richie called out softly, “Hey, sweetheart?”  
Violet hung back from the group, wondering what he needed, and turned to see two of her younger siblings and Richie standing together, staring at the phone.  
Holding Soli out carefully, Nick turned to Richie, “Hey, take her for a minute, okay?” And once she was safely in the other boy’s arms, “Vi, just tell me real quick if this looks broken to you.”  
Nodding, Violet knelt next to the phone and examined it carefully, “It looks perfectly normal,” She looked towards the door their siblings had just gone out, calling for them, “Hey, guys?” 

__

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _The Baudelaire children were following closely behind Esme, almost running into her when she stopped suddenly at the top of the stairs, “Oh dear. I’ve just realized how long it’ll take to walk down to the lobby. That won’t do.”_  
“We could slide on the railings!” Avery suggested, “It’s pretty fun, and it’s a lot faster.”  
“No, no,” Esme’s expression was unreadable, as she paced back and forth, and then they heard a very faint _ding_ sound, “Oh, I know! We’ll take the elevator!”__  
And with a great push, she sent the children toppling down the empty shaft.  
The children screamed as they fell for what felt like ages, so that they weren’t just _falling_ but instead were falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling _falling_\- ____  
And then they met resistance.  
It took Klaus and Avery both a moment to stop screaming, took all of them a moment to realize that they weren’t falling anymore but that they hadn’t hit the ground.  
It was some huge net that held them, and they bounced carefully on it, all of them incredibly short of breath.  
Avery spoke first, releasing a gasp, “We’re okay.”  
“We are _not_ okay,” Veruca snapped at her brother, “We’re not even half okay. Hell, we’re not even one 66th okay!”__  
“But we’re alive,” Lilac felt the ropes of the net carefully as she spoke.  
“You are alive, children,” Esme’s voice echoed down the elevator shaft, “You are alive, but you are not at all okay. In fact, I could guarantee that y’all will _never_ be okay again.”__  
The Baudelaire children peered up through the darkness, barely able to see the silhouette of someone standing in the light.  
Shaking a little, Avery felt tears starting to slip down his face, “What do you mean?”  
As they heard Esme begin to speak, a much louder and more upsetting noise filled the air as another silhouette appeared next to their guardian, and something began to drop. 

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“I think they’re too far ahead to hear us,” Richie sighed, unsure of exactly how he was supposed to position Solitude._  
Nick looked between Violet, Richie, and Soli, “Then we better catch up.”  
The three older children started to run in the direction of their siblings, but soon found quite strangely that although their feet were moving, their bodies stayed in place.  
And then they realized that someone was holding them by their collars.  
“Well this is good luck,” The hook handed man said to his fellow henchpeople, one of his hooks run through Richie’s collar.  
Richie turned as best as he could and took in his appearance, glaring at the hook, “Get your damn stabber outta here, asshat, these suits are fucking in and you’re gonna rip it.”  
Glancing behind her Violet found that she was being held by the henchperson of indeterminate gender, who was staring past her and didn’t seem to care much about what he was doing.  
Then was the bald man holding tightly to Nick, although he was leering at Violet.  
“What the hell are you doing?” Nick demanded, trying to twist away from the bald man.  
The hook handed man gave a deep and shuddery laugh, “You’ll be coming with us.”  
“Wait,” The bald man paused as they had started to drag the children along, “I don’t think we were supposed to have this many.”  
The three henchpeople counted quickly, looking at each other in frustration, “Well shit, you’re right. Fuck, which ones are we supposed to have?” The hook handed man started to scratch his forehead in thought, but he winced and put his arm down after a moment.  
The children were fighting, hard as they could, kicking and twisting and scratching and biting and punching, but they seemed to barely be bothering the henchpeople, who held them by their scruffs much like a mother cat holds her misbehaving kitten.  
After the bald man and the hook handed man had argued for a bit about which kid was which, the henchperson of indeterminate gender finally spoke up, “Count Olaf said that the one we need is the boy that isn’t holding a baby.”  
“Oh.”  
The henchpeople dragged the children to the door leading to the stairway, where Esme stood talking to the Baudelaires in the elevator shaft and Olaf was hiding for a dramatic entrance.  
“You have a baby with you,” The bald man said to Richie simply, as if to explain what was about to happen.  
The hook handed man looked at Richie, “Be lucky you’re not a Spats like that one is,” And he gestured towards Nick.  
“Wait,” Richie thrashed around, “Wait, no, I am a Spats. He’s a Baudelaire, and I’m a Spats.”  
Lifting Richie over his head the hook handed man sneered, “You don’t have to lie to try and protect your little friend. Baudelaires seem always to be the lucky ones.”  
“No!” Shrieking, Richie clawed at him, trying to explain, “No, you don’t understand, I’m the Spats! Let him go, he’s the Baudelaire, let him go and let Violet and Soli go to and take me instead, whatever you want with those two take me instead! Please, please believe me, I’m a Spats, you have to take me. Don’t do this, this is a mistake, don’t do this, let them go and take me because I’m who you want.”  
But with a scoff the hook handed man threw Richie down, and as Richie fell and twisted around so that Soli would land safely on top of him, he screeched in despair, Violet and Nick yelling desperately for his safety. 

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“Oh fuck! Oh fuck, fuck, oh my god, oh fuck, please, no, please!” Richie screamed as he fell down to them, and he continued to scream for around forty-eight more seconds after he’d landed._  
“Richie?” Soli asked after a while, still wrapped in his arms.  
“What the fuck?” Klaus demanded, feeling around the net to try and find where all of his siblings were.  
Sobbing, Richie handed Soli to Lilac and curled in on himself, “This is all my fault, I’m so sorry, he wouldn’t believe me! I’m so sorry! I tried. I tried and they wouldn’t listen and now they’re up _there_ and it’s all my fault.”__  
And that was when the Baudelaires fully understood what was happening, fully realized who was missing.  
“Give them back!” Lilac shrieked, shaking with fury, “Give them back you bitch! How could you do this?”  
“How could I do this?” Esme cackled, “Why don’t you ask my former acting coach?”  
“What the fuck does that mean?” Klaus demanded, but a moment later he wished he hadn’t found out.  
“Hello, hello, hello, orphans and pretenders,” Crowed a familiar voice, “Did you miss me too terribly much?”  
“Olaf?” Veruca asked, her arms wrapped around Richie’s still tremoring form.  
“Bastard!” Screamed Sunny.  
“You knew it was him all along?” Avery asked, shaking almost as hard as his brother, “You were supposed to be a guardian! To take care of us! How could you do this?”  
Even from so far away they could sense the smirk on Esme’s face, “Of course I knew it was him! I was acting! Because you children deserve this! You deserve to be stolen from. I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole from me!”  
“Who the _fuck_ is Beatrice?” Richie asked, not lifting his head.__  
Soli gave a horrified whimper, “Mama.”  
“How dare you?” Klaus yelled, “Our mother, our mother would never-”  
“Give them back!” Veruca interrupted, rocking back carefully to yell up, “Who cares what their mother did? Give them back or we’ll rip your hearts out!”  
“Give them back and don’t say a single word to them or we’ll tear your face off!” Avery added.  
“Give them back and don’t lay a finger on them or we’ll cut your arms off ourselves, we’ll cut you up, we’ll kick your asses, I don’t know, but what I do know is that you will wish you were never born if you don’t give them back you coked up bitch!” Richie screamed up, finally sitting, unable to contain his rage.  
Olaf’s dry and wheezy chuckle echoed down, “I don’t see how your threats will do anything, when we have the high ground in practically every literal and figurative way.”  
“But don’t worry,” Esme called, “You’ll be reunited soon enough. We’ll come back to get you after the auction, and you’ll be trapped with your silly brother and sister once again.”  
And then the dark figures that had been standing in the light disappeared.  
“No!” The nine Baudelaires, the nine Baudelaires who were now Seven Baudelaires, the nine Baudelaires who were now Seven Baudelaires who were really just a bunch of desperate children, the nine Baudelaires, shouted out in despair, “No! Give them back, you have to give them back! Violet! Nick! Nick! Violet! Please! Come back, please! Nick! Violet! No!”  
And when they finally stopped, their voices hoarse and their eyes bleary as they strained to see if someone would come back, the nine Baudelaires who were so much besides being nine Baudelaires broke down sobbing, laying together and wondering if they’d ever see their missing siblings again. 


	17. Trapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've got a major fixation on Vi's ribbon, but hey, we're doing good  
Hope you enjoy, y'all! Love ya!

“It’s all my fault,” Richie muttered, rocking back and forth. His mouth hung open from the drastic lack of water in his body, his eyes bloodshot and voice shaky. He reached desperately for the cards in his pockets, hands clawing for them, and he let out a scream as they fell out of his jittery hands and through a hole in the net, “Goddammit! It’s all my fucking fault and we came to get Dathan and now Nick and Violet are gone and they’re gone because I’m so fucking useless that I couldn’t even get them to listen to me when I said I’m a Spats and now my cards, goddamit, my cards!”  
“Cards,” Klaus mumbled, who was so numb that he couldn’t even cry anymore, but he sat against the wall with his hands folded over his stomach.  
“I know I was missing one of them anyway, but that didn’t matter, didn’t matter now,” Richie rocked even harder, “Fuck, I shouldn’t complain. I don’t have a goddamn right to complain when they’re gone and it’s all my fucking fault.”  
Klaus shook his head and let himself roll forward across the net to collapse on top of Richie, “No, Richie, no, cards. I’ve got them.”  
Richie frowned but allowed himself to lean ever so slightly into Klaus’s touch, affection coursing through his veins and anguish gushing over his features. His hands were clenched around the net, whimpering a little, “No, Klaus, I dropped the cards.”  
Wrapping one arm tighter around the older boy, Klaus used the other to fumble through his pockets, pulling out the little box that Richie had given him, “Richie, no, I’ve got the cards.”  
“What?” Richie turned carefully underneath Klaus, taking the box himself, “Oh fuck, I forgot I gave you my spare deck.”  
Nodding, Klaus pulled the cards out of the box and shuffled them a few times carefully, holding them over his legs so they wouldn’t fall, and then he reached out gently and placed the cards in Richie’s hands, still holding them and guiding him to shuffle, “See? You just go like this, hold them steady, and let them flutter through your thumbs. Like angry butterflies beating their wings against you. Nick,” He paused, choking a little on his words, “I mean, Richie, I, sorry, it’s just that Nick used to call moths angry butterflies. Violet called them goth butterflies. They’d usually say that to make fun of Lilac, but still.”  
Richie began shuffling the cards himself, running his fingers over the edges, “I’m so sorry, Klaus. I’m sorry, all of you. It’s my fault.”  
Soli crawled to him carefully, “No,” And then she placed Babbit gently on his knee, “Friend.”  
“If anything, Richie, we’re in the same boat,” Klaus gave a tiny, aching chuckle, “You’re like a reverse Baudeboy now. We’re Yin and Yang.”  
“Sheedy,” Sunny nodded, although she looked distracted. _You’re only Yin and Yang because you’re both dumb in slightly different ways. None of this is your fault, it’s Olaf’s___  
“And we’ll get them back,” Lilac spoke up, her fingers entangled with Veruca’s, “He took Sunny, and Soli too, but we got them back.”  
Veruca smiled at the girl, nodding with great faith, “And from what I’ve heard, you guys are very capable of getting out of these traps. We’re gonna kick that bastard man’s ass.”  
“Okay, okay,” Richie had started to calm down, his mind focused on the feeling of the cards sliding through his fingers, “We can do this. Right now we just have to get out of here.”  
Avery gave his oldest brother a gentle pat on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, we will. Could we untie some of the rope from the net to climb down?”  
Lilac reached into her pocket, “I think we’d run out of rope. There has to be something else,” She paused, frowning, “Dammit, where’s my ribbon?”  
“Oh,” Richie pulled the ribbon out of his own pocket and passed it to the eldest Baudelaire, “Sorry, Lilac, I was looking at it because Avery likes the thread so much,” And after a pause he growled out, “Fuck!”  
Tying her hair up, Lilac glanced at him, “What?”  
“I have Violet’s ribbon too,” Richie had it wrapped around his fist, staring at it forlornly.  
“Oh,” Everyone paused, looking at the ribbon carefully.  
Everyone, that is, but Sunny, who was strangely missing. It was Klaus who noticed this first, looking around, “Where’s Sunny?”  
“Here!” Sunny cheered from where she was clinging to the wall of the elevator shaft, already a few yards about the net, her hands clutching onto the tiny railings that were etched into the walls.  
The other children stared at her, Lilac calling out, “Sunday Theodora Baudelaire, you get down here right now!”  
Richie, however, was grinning, his tears finally clearing away, “Go Sunny! You’ve got this, kiddo!”  
“Yay, Sun!” Soli agreed, clapping lightly.  
They six children watched in horror as Sunny lost her grip, rushing forward to catch her, but she buried her teeth into the wall and slowed her descent, beginning to climb again as soon as she had stopped falling.  
“Don’t worry!” Sunny grinned down at them, “Gonna get rope, look for Nick and Vi, but I’m careful!”  
“If there’s any sign of trouble you’ll come right back, won’t you?” Lilac asked, concern covering her.  
Veruca grinned, giving Lilac’s hand a comforting squeeze, “Of course she will. She’s got this.”  
“Good luck, Sunny,” Klaus called, chuckling just a little as he watched her continue to climb, using her teeth to assist her along the way.  
The rest of the children called out, wishing her luck, hoping desperately for her to be careful, and then they turned back to Richie’s still outstretched hand.  
“Well,” Lilac reached out and touched the ribbon gently, everyone else following suit, “Someone else is gonna have to use it. I need an inventing partner until Violet gets back.”  
Soli was the one to wrap her tiny hand around the ribbon, pulling it closer for inspection.  
“Oh, Soli, you’d be great,” Klaus sniffed, looking at his little sister fondly, “Violet would be so proud that you’re inventing in her absence.”  
Shaking her head, Soli climbed into Avery’s lap, “No, not me, Avery.”  
Taken aback, Avery looked down at the girl carefully, “Solitude, what are you doing? I’m not an inventor, nor am I a mechanic. You should keep it. You’re actually a member of this family, and you’re so smart, and it just makes sense.”  
“No,” Soli insisted, trying to fold his fingers over the ribbon, “Puzzle. Ribbon. You,” And she gave him a soft little smile as he finally accepted the slip of purple satin. What she said roughly translated to meaning, _No, that’s ridiculous. Inventing and mechanics are just about solving puzzles, which you’re great at, and you’re the one who loves their ribbons. You should do it_  
Avery started to protest, “But I’m not even one of-”  
“If you say you’re not family one more time,” Lilac cut him off, “I will be forced to beat you up. You guys are part of the nine Baudelaires now, and that means that you’re one of us. Now put your hair up and help me think.”  
Of course, Avery _Baudelaire_ didn’t really need to put his hair up, although it had been a while and was just long enough on top to cover drop down over his eyes every once in a while, but the very fact that they were all nodding supportively towards him made him reach up, his hands twisting the ribbon into a sloppy bow and the little section of hair sticking straight up. And after Lilac had given him a critical once over, Veruca adjusting the ribbon and Klaus pulling it a little tighter for him, Avery gave a teary eyed grin, “Alright, let’s get to work.” __

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ _Violet Baudelaire’s hair ribbon was perhaps her most treasured possession of all time._  
She’d had many ribbons over the years, of course, but this particular one was her favorite. The first one she’d ever had was when she was four, her little brothers only about two years old. Violet had never had a haircut, and it had grown long enough that she couldn’t see, long enough that she often stumbled over her steps because she simply couldn’t tell where anything was.  
“Vi needs a haircut,” Five year old Lilac had said, her own hair neatly trimmed and done in two braids.  
They were sitting in the Baudelaire parents’ bedroom, Violet propped up on the counter where Beatrice was cleaning her scraped knee, Lilac on the floor at her feet playing with her Marie Curie doll, and Klaus and Nick wrestling on the bed.  
Beatrice soothed Violet’s sob as she rubbed some hydrogen peroxide onto the little girl’s knee, “It’s okay, Violet, it’ll be okay. She does need a haircut, Lilac, but your father wants to be there when she gets the first one and he’s out of town right now,” She smoothed a bandaid over the scrape and smiled, “Alright, Violet, be careful, but you’re good to go.”  
She helped her youngest daughter off the counter and set her on the ground, watching as she turned and immediately ran into an end table, falling back and letting out a wail, “Mama! It hurts!”  
Tutting, Beatrice lifted her back to the counter and swept her hair back, looking at the cut just over Violet’s eye, “Oh, darling, that’s going to bruise. It’s not too bad, you won’t need stitches or anything, but this is getting a bit ridiculous.”  
Nick hopped up and jumped off the bed, running forward, “Stitches!”  
Klaus joined him, looking up at his sister with a grin, “Vivi’s getting stitches!”  
“She’s gonna be Frankenstein!” Nick added, letting out a monstrous growl.  
“We’ll have to lock her in the basement!” Klaus agreed.  
Violet let out a screaming sob, wrapping herself tightly around her mother’s arm, “No! I don’t wanna be a monster in the basement! No stitches!”  
Beatrice reached down and tried carefully to detach her daughter from around her arm, but Violet merely cried and held on tighter, “Violet, you’re not going to get any stitches. Just breathe, darling, breathe.”  
Lilac charged over to them, wrapping herself around their mother’s leg, “I won’t let you lock her in the basement! She’s my sister! Even if she’s a monster!”  
“Don’t wanna be a monster!” Violet wailed.  
Sighing, Beatrice closed her eyes to think for a moment and swept Violet off of the counter, dropping her on the floor and nudging Lilac off of her, “Stay right here, children. And Nick, Frankenstein isn’t the one with the stitches, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster.”  
The boy shrugged and continued to beam at his sisters as he and his twin babbled about where to buy locks.  
When Beatrice returned she lifted Violet once more, taking all four of the children into her arms and setting them on the bed, “Alright, enough, all of you. Violet, you don’t need stitches. It’s a minor cut and I’ll clean it in a moment. Even if you did get stitches, you wouldn’t be a monster, and even if you _were_ a monster, we would never lock you in the basement.”__  
Sniffling, Violet nodded, and the four children exchanged relieved glances.  
“Now,” Beatrice ran her fingers through Violet’s hair, “We’re going to do something about this hair.”  
“Thought you couldn’t cut it until Dad got back,” Lilac looked curiously at her mother.  
“I’m not cutting it, I’m just putting it up,” Beatrice corrected, pulling Violet’s hair back and beginning to tie a ribbon around it.  
When she was done she showed it to her children, Violet grinning in the mirror, “I get a ribbon?”  
Beatrice nodded, “It’s what your father used to do when he needed to think. We need you to focus on not getting hurt all the time, and since that takes an awful lot of brain power, you can use the ribbon,” She paused, smiling at the excited smile on her daughter’s face, “Now let’s get that forehead of yours cleaned up.  
In the years following, Violet requested new ribbons at every holiday and every birthday. Lilac began to get them as well, using it to arrange her braids, but Violet purely tied her hair back.  
Although over time she amassed at least one hundred and sixty-two ribbons, she always kept her first one with her, using it for when she really needed to think. The ribbon had experienced Violet’s first bike ride, the birth of her two younger sisters, countless inventions, and her first kiss. When the Baudelaire Mansion burned down it was the only ribbon she had with her, and since then had also experienced fear and dread, desperate escapes, friendships, betrayals, and most horribly of all, Count Olaf. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _And when the ribbon wrapped around Avery’s hair, he could feel the energy of the ribbon flowing through him, could feel the magic of Violet Baudelaire’s legacy. _  
“It suits you,” Lilac commented, quietly, looking at him carefully.  
“Thanks,” Avery blushed, “I-”  
“Geronimo!” A voice above them called, and Sunny came crashing to the net with a glee filled laugh.  
Sunny crawled over to Lilac and handed her the two ropes she had gotten, Lilac immediately handing one to Avery so they could start tying them together and scolding her baby sister, “Sunny, don’t you ever do something like that again.”  
“Did you,” Klaus cleared his throat quietly, “Did you see…”  
Shaking her head, Sunny let Soli envelop her in a hug, “Didn’t see him.”  
“We’ll find him,” Avery sighed, having just finished attaching the rope to one of the railings, “Now everyone get ready, because we’re going to climb down this rope.”  
“Is it long enough?” Veruca asked curiously, glancing at the rope.  
Lilac shrugged, tightening her own ribbon just a little bit, “It better. I’m going first. Avery, you take Soli, Richie, you take Sunny. I’ll go down first. If I die, climb back up and beat the crap out of Olaf and every single one of his associates for me.”  
The others nodded solemnly, taking deep breaths as they began their descent. 


	18. Not Illegal Everywhere

When the children had reached the ground and examined the abandoned cage their friends had been trapped in, they found a trap door.  
“Well that’s not fucking weird,” Richie muttered, looking at the door that they were already crawling into.  
They Seven children had found tunnels below the trapdoor, had followed the tunnel, had found a new trapdoor, had opened it up, had found…  
“Oh my god,” Lilac whispered, looking around the burnt remains of the Baudelaire Mansion.  
Letting his hand reach into a clump of ash, Avery glanced up at her, “What? What is this place?”  
Soli let a tear slip down her cheeks as she began to toddle towards the burnt remains of their old piano, sitting on the pile of ash on the floor that had once been the piano bench, letting Babbit hop out, “This is home.”  
Babbit gave a sympathetic chirp and began to hop, the other children looking around warily.  
Klaus lowered himself to the ground, wiping dust lovingly off of Violet’s grandfather clock, “We should, uh, we should probably get going.”  
“No, it’s okay,” Avery shook his head a little, staring at the remains of the half melted clock and trying to figure out what the pieces were like before, “I know we’re on a tight schedule and everything, but this was your home. We can stay as long as you guys need, and whatever happens we can figure it out.”  
Sinking to the floor in despair, Lilac buried her face in her arms, “I just, it seems like it was an eternity ago. I didn’t think-” And she broke off into a long and desperate sob.  
“Li, it’s okay, Li, “ Klaus moved next to his oldest sister, burying his face into her shoulder, “It’ll be okay.”  
Veruca and Avery fell to Lilac’s other side and wrapped her in hugs, Richie moving behind her and beginning to rebraid her hair, letting her drop her head back and the comfort of it, and Sunny crawled up to sit on Lilac’s lap, falling into the huddle of her family.  
They couldn’t stay still like that for long though, as they heard Solitude shriek, “Babbit! No!”  
Leaping to their feet, the kids ran to where Soli stood at the piano, desperately reaching for Babbit so that they wouldn’t hurt themselves as they hopped up and down, hitting the bottom of the piano repeatedly.  
It was Richie who reached out and grabbed them, holding the squirming creature as Veruca screamed and dodged away, “Babbit, what’s gotten into you? You’re normally so well behaved.”  
Soli took the frog, scolding him, as Lilac shrugged and slid under the piano to investigate.  
“There’s something here,” Lilac gave a tug on the spot where Babbit had been jumping, “A panel or something,” She pulled it down at slid back out from under the table, a folder in her hand, “It’s a file.”  
She opened it, staring in shock, as the others watched her.  
“What is it?” Klaus asked, reaching a tentative hand out to his _oldest_ sister. __  
Avery grabbed the file himself, looking through, “What’s wrong, Li? It’s just some random stuff.”  
Lilac pulled out a photograph of two little girls sitting on a beach, one trying to put her toes in her mouth, looking around nine months old, and the other half buried in the sand, looking younger, perhaps around three months.  
“Babies!” Sunny identified, pointing at the picture with a laugh while Soli apologized to Babbit for the scolding.  
Frowning, Richie reached out and took the photo calmly, glancing at it, “Who are they? And why are they hidden in a piano?”  
“That one’s me,” Lilac gestured hesitantly to the one eating her toes, and felt a tear slip down her cheek as she stroked her finger over the other, “And that’s Violet. Father had it in his scrapbook, or he used to, but it disappeared once. He said it must’ve fallen out.”  
“Wait,” Veruca took the picture herself, scrutinizing it carefully, “How old are you and Violet?”  
“I’m fifteen and she’s fourteen. We’re eleven months apart.”  
“Are you sure?” Richie asked brashly, “Carm is about eleven months older than Avery and Angelica and Datahn, and she doesn’t look that close to them in pictures. The difference between you two looks more like the difference between Lil and Veruca in their baby photos.”  
“Right,” Veruca chuckled, “I took up way too much space, and the other two were pretty small. I looked a good few months older than Lilith by the time we had reached four or five months. Richie started out smaller than her, but he actually developed pretty quickly and it didn’t take him long to be even older looking than me.”  
Klaus pulled up Sunny to balance her on his hip, thinking hard, “It could just be that Lilac was small for her age and Violet was big for her age. Then they’re at kind of a cross point.”  
“Um, guys?” Avery was studying the next piece of paper in the file, “There’s something y’all might want to see.”  
He held up another picture, shades of black and grey and white, with three red circles on it, and as they stared Klaus realized what it was, “Is that a sonogram?”  
Avery nodded, handing it to the boy in exchange for Sunny, “Read the back.”  
“Oh, fuck.”  
“What is it?” Lilac demanded, reaching for it, and all of the children huddled around to read the message themselves. 

_Beatrice and the three girls. She insists that she can already tell them all apart, but I circled them anyway so they’re easy to find. The little darlings have been kicking non stop, especially the biggest one, in the middle. We’ve been talking about naming her Lilac. I’m writing too much and running out of space, but I’m positively giddy. I already know that B will be the perfect mother. ___

_ __ _

_ _ _ _The Seven children looked at each other, turning back to the sonogram after a moment, “Oh, fuck.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

__ __ __ _When the Baudelaires stumbled out of the remains of the Mansion, coughing the ash out of their lungs, they turned to each other carefully. _  
“What now?” Soli asked.  
But they didn’t have to answer, didn’t have to admit that they didn’t know, because a taxi pulled up at just that time, and the children flagged it down, walking up to the driver.  
“Hey,” Richie leaned against the door, smiling brightly, “Any chance you’d be willing to give us a ride?”  
“We don’t have any money,” Klaus admitted, “But we could pay you when we-”  
“I can’t give you a ride.”  
Avery frowned, “Why not?”  
The taxi driver was practically shaking with fear, “You’re ghosts!”  
“Babies,” Sunny corrected.  
The man shook his head frantically.  
“Fine, we’re ghosts,” Veruca leaned towards him, raising an eyebrow, “And if you don’t give us a ride to the auction house, we’re going to haunt you.”  
As unmotivated as Veruca often was, as the children piled into the taxi they knew they couldn’t question her skills at convincing people to do what she wanted. 

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

__ __ __ _“Thank you for the ride,” Lilac smiled at their driver as they pulled up next to the auction house, “We’ll get your fare as soon as we can.”_  
“No need for payment,” The very frightened driver sighed, staring straight ahead, “Just please never talk to me again.”  
Soli grinned as the children began to clamber out of the car, “Fair enough!”  
The Baudelaires were finally feeling good about their mission, but their moods dropped as soon as they saw the bald henchman standing at the door, a clipboard in his hand.  
“You’re not on the list,” He sneered at them before they had even said anything.  
Avery puffed out his chest, trying his best to look intimidating, “We’re going in.”  
“You can’t go in if you’re not on the list,” The bald man replied, looking disinterested.  
“Listen you fucker,” Lilac stepped forward, in front of Avery and the others, “We’re getting our siblings and our friends, whether you like it or not.”  
The bald man frowned, “You’re not-”  
“Excuse me, my good gentleman, but the children are with me,” A familiar voice cut them off, Squalor, Jerome.”  
“Jerome!” They cheered, flocking around him as he led them inside.  
Their guardian smiled and patted each of them gently on the head, “I got back to the penthouse with the parsley soda, but you children weren’t there. I thought perhaps you had made your ways to the In Auction.”  
“Oh, of course we did! We love seeing things that are in,” Veruca grinned.  
“I’m very glad. But what are you children covered in?”  
Sunny shrugged, “Ashes.”  
“Well goodness gracious, why are you covered in ashes?”  
Lilac paused to look at him carefully, “Did you know there’s a tunnel under your penthouse?”  
“Why Lilac, I-” Jerome paused, counting the children, “Where are Nick and Violet?”  
They didn’t answer, as they had finally looked up and seen Esme and Gunther standing at the front of the hall in front of a very large and very red fish statue.  
The two villains exchanged wicked smiles as Esme announced, “Well, if you just came in late you may quietly take your seats. We’ve just sold Lot 49, which was this Red Herring, and now we’re moving onto Lot 50.”  
“Hurry up, children. We don’t want to be rude.” Jerome said, not noticing how the Baudelaires glared at Gunther and Esme.  
The children were shepherded down an aisle, sitting on one of the few empty benches. Lilac was the one who noticed who was sitting on the other end, shocked, “Mr Poe?”  
Mr Poe glanced up and grinned, “Oh! Baudelaires! How lovely to see you take an interest in the financial sector!”  
“What are you doing here?” Richie asked, turning his glare to the banker as the Red Herring was carried offstage. “Aren’t you supposed to be looking for the Quagmires?”  
Oh, yes,” Poe coughed as the children sat down, Avery pulling Solitude onto his lap and Klaus putting Sunny on his, “The reports about the mountain peak turned out to be false. I now know for certain that the Quagmire twins are being forced to work at a glue factory nearby. I’m heading over there later, but I wanted to stop by the In Auction; my wife just reported on how popular ocean decorations are right now, and I wanted to get her something as a gift. Unfortunately, two rather pale women just outbid me for the Red Herring statue.”  
“Mr Poe-” Avery began.  
“And now!” called Gunther, who had a gleam in his eye that was even wickeder than usual, “We will begin the bidding for Lot 50, please. The item called VFD, please. This is large box, please, with the large air holes stabbed into sides as, please, an afterthought.”  
The children whipped towards the stage, staring at a large cardboard box that was being brought out with the letters VFD printed on the side.  
“VFD,” Soli whimpered anxiously.  
Klaus blanched, staring, “That’s what Isadora yelled to us.”  
Lilac leaned over to Jerome, who had sat on the edge of the bench, and said, “Jerome, can you please do us a favor?”  
“Of course I can!” Jerome turned to them, beaming.  
“Can you bid on that lot for us?” Richie asked. “It’s a surprise for Violet. She really loves boxes.”  
“Oh, well,” Jerome said, “You and Violet have a very close relationship, don’t you?”  
Richie wondered why he was asking that but he shrugged, “Yeah, I guess so.”  
Jerome looked uncomfortable, adjusting his tie shyly, “It’s just that, well, I know that Esme and I care about things that are _in_, but I just don’t want you to confuse _in_ with what's INcest, do you understand?" ____  
“What?” Richie spluttered, “No, no it’s not something like that!”  
“Oh,” Jerome breathed out in relief, “Oh, okay. You just want the lot?”  
“Consider it a gift,” Klaus cut in, wanting quite desperately for this subject to change, “And we swear it’ll be a good one.”  
“You can see this cardboard box,” Esme was saying, “It’s very high quality stuff, and of course, we all know what’s inside.”  
“Yes, we do,” Avery snarled.  
Sunny growled in agreement, looking ready to leap onstage and bit Esme’s arm off.  
“Let us start the bidding, please!” Gunther called.  
“I bid twenty!” Jerome said, holding up his auction paddle.  
Poe frowned in confusion, “What in the world is VFD?”  
“It’s a surprise,” Veruca answered quickly, knowing that Mr. Poe probably wouldn’t believe them if they told the truth.  
“Fifty!” Called out a voice in the crowd. The Baudelaires tried to spot who it was, but had no luck.  
“Fifty-five!” Jerome bid.  
“One-hundred!”  
“Goodness, this is getting very expensive.” Jerome said. “Children, are you sure you want VFD?”  
Shaking with anticipation, Klaus nodded, “More than anything else in the world.”  
“Please, Jerome,” Lilac began to plead, “It’s incredibly important that we get this lot.”  
“Well, if you want it so badly,” Jerome sighed, “One-hundred ten!”  
“Two-hundred!”  
“Two-hundred five!” Jerome turned to the children carefully, “Now, I’m sorry, but I won’t bid any higher. This is getting much too expensive, and bidding is too much like arguing for me to enjoy it.”  
“Five-hundred!”  
“Please, Jerome!” Avery begged, but the guardian merely shook his head.  
“Five-hundred, please!” Gunther called, smiling wickedly. “Going once, please! Going twice-”  
Sunny scrambled to stand on the bench and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Thousand!”  
People grew silent, staring, trying to decide whether it really was her who had bid such an amount.  
“Thousand!” Soli shrieked in agreement with her younger sister, a panicked edge to her tone.  
“Where on Earth did Sunny and Solitude get that kind of money?” Jerome asked, astonished.  
“When the children were in boarding school,” Poe frowned, “Sunny and Solitude worked as receptionists, but I had no idea that they had such a high salary.”  
“THOUSAND!” Sunny insisted.  
Finally, Gunther gave in. “The highest bid, please, is now one thousand.”  
“Good!” Lilac said, and she took off towards the stage. Avery and Klaus ran after her, carrying their respective toddlers, Richie and Veruca following closely behind. They ran up to the box, immediately grabbing onto the lid and struggling to rip off the tape from the top.  
“You can’t open it until you pay your bid money,” Esme tried to swat their hands away from the box, “That’s illegal!”  
Lilac snorted, bumping the woman out of the way, “What’s illegal is auctioning off children!”  
“Not everywhere,” Esme corrected.  
“Nobody cares!” Richie snapped, tearing desperately at the cardboard.  
But what happened next happened far faster than they could’ve predicted.  
Gunther rushed forward, stabbing his cane into the box and relishing the screams of the Baudelaires, the cardboard box exploding and lace doilies flying out and covering them. At the same time, Solitude and Sunny each bit very sharply onto Gunther’s boot, pulling it off and revealing the tattoo on his ankle. At just that time, the people of the crowd realized that he was in fact Count Olaf, Mr. Poe beginning to yell for someone to call the police. And at just the same time, the Baudelaires realized that there were no children in the box.  
“What is this?” Lilac demanded, brushing off the doilies.  
“Why, VFD,” Esme gave them a smirk, “Very Fancy Doilies. What else could it stand for?”  
Beginning to screech, Avery, Veruca, and Richie, lurched forward, tugging Lilac and Klaus along with them as they began to attack Olaf, “Give them back! Give back our siblings! Give back the Quagmires! Give them!”  
“Stop assaulting my boyfriend,” Esme snapped, “He is the best actor, the biggest genius, the most handsome, the innest man in town!”  
“What?” Jerome demanded, “He’s not in! He’s out! It’s not in to be a vicious criminal!”  
Olaf stood up from under the children, simply brushing them off of him and wrapping his arm around Esme’s waist, “You’re right, I’m not in, I’m out! As in out of the city!”  
Then they ran off, Esme letting out a high pitched cackle that harmonized quite horribly with Olaf’s throaty chuckle.  
And the Baudelaires dropped the doilies, sprinting after the two villains desperately. Avery and Lilac outran the others, running so fast and so hard that they had passed them by quite a bit, but still they found themselves to be too late, dropping to the ground in despair as Count Olaf’s long black car disappeared around a corner. 

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _Olaf threw Nick Baudelaire against the wall of a small shack, Esme holding Violet’s arms tightly behind her back and allowing her long nails to dig into the girl’s flesh._  
“We were so kind,” Olaf sneered, “Allowing you children to go to the restroom, and yet you tried to run away.”  
“Fuck you,” Nick snarled, trying to slam against the man but instead being pushed harder against the wall.  
Esme laughed, “We ought to just leave them locked in the statue with the other two.”  
Violet struggled against the woman’s grip, crying out as the _in_ woman’s claws broke her skin, “You must think you’re pretty great, huh? Well, you’re not! You’re not shit!” And she spat on Olaf.__  
“Oh, but I do think I’m great,” Olaf reached one hand up to wipe the spittle off his cheek and then used it to shove Nick’s head down, “I have the oldest of the Baudelaire orphans in my clutches.  
“Violet isn’t the oldest, you dumbass,” Nick snarled, trying to hide the quake of fear in his voice.  
“Of course not,” Olaf smirked, “I was talking about you.”  
Violet rolled her eyes, trying desperately to figure out how to slide her arms out of Esme’s grip without ripping her skin off, “Lilac is the oldest Baudelaire, Fucklaf.”  
Esme and Olaf cackled once again, dragging the children to the Red Herring statue and pushing them inside with Dathan and Isadora.  
And as the children collapsed desperately against their friends, Olaf peered through the small air hole in the side with far too big a smile, “Oh, darling, that’s merely what you believe." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of TEE!!!! I'm a little emotional about it, but that's okay. Get ready for TVV y'all.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO HECKIN TIRED YALL I almost passed out writing this  
It’s really late but it’s still Thursday so I met my deadline,  
But Fun Fact, this isn’t at all what the chapter was originally going to be  
This chapter was gonna be like the start to the other sections have been, but I was struggling with it a lot and then at like 1 PM today I went, “Nah, I’ve got a better idea,” and wrote this.  
Which is why I just now finished.  
So yeah it’s prolly terrible but we’re doing this anyway  
Much love folks!

Nick Baudelaire threw up for the fifth time in seventeen minutes, and then he curled up very tightly against the wall.  
“God, I’m glad they gave us a bucket,” Violet muttered, and then she vomited into the bucket herself.  
Nodding wisely, Dathan rubbed the two gently on their backs, “I think they bought it after I puked on Olaf’s shoes.”  
“You puked on his shoes?” Violet chuckled, leaning back carefully against the walls.  
Isadora laughed, “Yeah, he did. They had us in the cage and we got food poisoning from some rotted stuff and when Dathan tried to explain that we needed to take care of it Olaf laughed and said no, up until Dathan spewed all over him.”  
“Yeah, he was super pissed. He almost broke a couple of my ribs,” Dathan shook his head, “But on the bright side, I’m pretty sure that the day after was the most clean I’ve ever seen him.”  
Listening as Nick retched again, Isadora shook her head, “Nick, buddy, you’re gonna get dehydrated. Are you okay?”  
Before Nick could respond, Violet threw up once more and wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand, “He’s just freaked out, it’s okay.”  
“Then why are you throwing up?” Nick retorted, overly defensive even though what his sister said was true.  
Dathan wrapped an arm around Violet, holding her steady and looking into her eyes as well as he could in the dimness of the fish statue, lit only by the flashlights they had aimed above them, “Your pupils are dilated, my dear. What did the fucker do to you?”  
“What did he do, when?” Violet asked, smiling at him in a way that was just hazy enough to let them know that something was a little off, “We’ve been here for three days. He’s done plenty of stuff.”  
“What did he do this morning,” The Spats boy was moving his fingers in front of her eyes, watching her not quite follow them, “When you two tried to run away?”  
“He was telling us stuff… things that…” She broke off, a desperate and fearful look on her face.  
Isadora reached out to Violet and took hold of her hand, “It’s okay, Vi, it’s okay. Trust us, we know. We get it. We know the types of things he says. You don’t have to think about it.”  
Violet nodded, and then turned back to Dathan, “He, uh, he sorta slammed me up against a tree a couple times.”  
“Did he hit your head?” Dathan ran a hand through his thick blonde curls, looking concerned.  
Snorting, Violet shook her head and cringed, “Silly question. I can hit your head too,” And she did, tapping on the edge of his forehead gently.  
Dathan and Isadora exchanged a glance, and Nick finally spoke up from where he was pressed into the corner, “Her head hit the tree pretty hard. Why?”  
“I think she might have a concussion,” Isadora looked between the two Baudelaire siblings carefully, trying to decide if Nick had one as well.  
“I don’t have a concussion,” Violet gave a shrill giggle and then winced at the pain in her head, “I’m just tired!”  
Dathan shook his head, holding up the bucket for Violet as she threw up once again, “No, trust me, I know concussions _very_ well. We get concussions in my family all the time.”__  
“Quigley used to get concussions all the time,” Isadora laughed, but her eyes were sad, “He was always climbing things and jumping off of things and doing whatever he could to get himself into trouble and make maps.”  
Chuckling, Dathan nodded, “Richie used to do the same thing, and Lilith, and me too, honestly. Of course we don’t make maps, and Richie’s scared of heights so he doesn’t usually go up very far, but he does stupid stuff all the time. Lil’s just constantly swinging around on things, all about aerial stuff and acrobatics, and I’ve just fought way too many people.”  
“I’ve gotten a few concussions myself from spending too much time running around,” Nick agreed.  
The three nodded, turning to see if Violet had anything to add, but the girl’s eyes had fluttered shut and her breathing was beginning to even out.  
“Violet, no, you can’t fall asleep,” Isadora nudged her side, “You have to stay awake.”  
“Why?” The inventor muttered, trying to swat away the hands that were attempting to keep her awake, “I’m sleepy.”  
“Because we’re going to play a game now,” Dathan put on the happiest voice he could, trying to keep her calm, “And you can’t play the game if you fall asleep.”  
“Ooh, what kind of game?” Violet’s eyes had snapped open, excitement filling her features.  
Thinking about it for a moment, Dathan’s smile became horribly sad, “We could play Two Truths One Lie. It was what we used to play when we had concussions so we wouldn’t fall asleep.”  
“Two Truths One Lie sounds like it could be fun,” Isadora nodded, also eager to try and keep the Violet from falling asleep, or possibly dying.  
“I’m not so sure about that one,” Nick muttered, thinking about the things they had learned in their brief captivity. 

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

_ _The Truth, as taught by Count Olaf: Beatrice Baudelaire was a thief. _ _

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

__ _Beatrice Baudelaire could sing, could sing so excellently and beautifully and purely that people were often taken aback when they listened to her. _  
And on the night of a certain opera, she sang so beautifully that those watching could almost forget the questionable things she had done in her life, and the questionable things that she was about to do.  
It was intermission when she made her way out from backstage, gliding through the crowd of people gently.  
She turned happily to the man who had sidled up next to her, “B, darling, how are you?” She asked, beaming at him.  
“Oh I’m always excellent in these situations, aren’t I, Beatrice?” He asked, teasing.  
Beatrice chuckled, “Of course you are, lovely. Don’t worry, it won’t be as bad as you think it is.”  
“They’re going to hate us,” B sighed, his expression dropping to something a little more wary.  
Giving him a gentle pat on the arm, Beatrice tried to decide whether or not she could deny that, “I know. But we have to do this. We have to,” And after a moment’s pause, “Don’t we?”  
They stared at each other for a moment, B finally clearing his throat, “I got the darts from K. We’re ready.”  
“Great,” Beatrice nodded, glancing downwards for a moment, “Hey, be honest, this dress is tighter than what I’ve been wearing lately, can you tell that I’m-”  
“Not at all, not at all,” B blushed just a little, “You and L must be very excited. J told me that he’s never seen his brother this happy.”  
“Oh, we really are,” Beatrice gave the man a knowing smile, “So, you and J have been spending an awful lot of time together lately, haven’t you?”  
“I know what you’re thinking, and no. E and I just broke up. Even if J and I have… history… it’s too soon. And besides, I’ve been thinking about sticking with women for a while anyway.”  
Beatrice was about to dance her way off, but paused at that, “Fair enough. It would be fun if you and J were to get married, though, and I got married to L. Then you and I would be related. Wouldn’t that be excellent?”  
“So very excellent indeed,” B gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek as a wish of good luck, “Now go kick some ass.”  
And she did, and when she ran out of the booth that her old friends were sitting in she had an ornately beautiful sugar bowl tucked in the special pocket added to the skirt of her dress, and a sly smirk of dread covering her features. 

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

_ _The Truth, as taught by Count Olaf: Olaf and the Baudelaires truly were close. _ _

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

__ _Bertrand Not-Yet Baudelaire hurried through the biting wind that blew in his face, attempting in the cold winter air to find the odd old house._  
When he knocked firmly on the door, he knew that it probably wouldn’t get opened.  
And it wasn’t.  
“O, please,” He called, shivering, “Please let me in.”  
“You’re one of the last people on Earth who I want to see,” O’s wheezy voice managed to growl out.  
“I know I am, and I understand, but I’m so _cold_ and I just need to come in and warm up, please.”__  
He waited for a moment, and began to turn around and leave, believing that O wouldn’t speak to him, but at just that moment the old front door opened.  
O stood there, sneering at Bertrand, “Well, get inside. I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone who gets cold as easily as you.”  
“Thank you,” Bertrand beamed, relishing the heat as he entered the front room, “Listen, O-”  
“I said you could come in. I didn’t say you could speak to me.”  
Bertrand nodded solemnly, taking in the living room. He’d only been in the house twice in his life, but it somehow already seemed much darker, dirtier, dingier than it ever had been.  
In fact, Bertrand thought to himself, even O looked far worse off than he had.  
Of course he could understand it, being orphaned could do such things to you, and so could a break up, (Bertrand knew both of these from first hand experience) but it was strange to see his friend so disheveled.  
Could he even call him a friend anymore?  
Bertrand wanted to call O his friend, but he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair.  
So he sat in silence there for three hours, resting by the fire, listening as O practiced some monologues, accepting the tea he was offered and cringing through the ridiculous amount of article sweetener it had been filled with.  
He didn’t speak again until he rose up, O leading him calmly to the door and holding it open for him.  
“You really must stop going outside in winter,” O chided quietly, “And you certainly must stop coming here to fix it.”  
“Actually, I came here to fix something else,” Bertrand corrected quietly.  
O scoffed, “Then you’ve wasted your time.”  
Nodding, Bertrand looked at the man carefully, “I’m sure I have. But I wanted you to know that I’m sorry.”  
“Sorry? Sorry?” O spluttered, “You’re not allowed to be sorry! You were mindlessly following orders from our goddamn cult. Why, they’d burn you at the stake if they knew you said sorry for one of your missions.”  
“I don’t care,” Bertrand hesitated, his eyes filled with a mix of compassion and pity that made O want to smack him, “I mean, I do care, of course. But I needed to tell you, because I want you to know, O, I want you to know that I am so, so sorry.”  
“What a coincidence,” O gave Bertrand a sharp smile, “So am I.”  
And with that, he slammed the door shut. 

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The Lie, as taught by Count Olaf: _REDACTED____ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Of course, one must always keep some secrets close to one’s chest. Count Olaf was incredibly adept at lies and deceit, but as he had explained to Nick and Violet Baudelaire, he wasn’t the only of their guardians who was so excellent at that.  
Of course they didn’t want to believe him, wanted to believe that this, in fact, was some elaborate lie on his art, but they knew deep in their hearts that it was not.. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ _“Well,” Dathan bounced a little on his heels, forgetting that there really wasn’t enough space for such an action, “Nick and Violet have cleaned their mouths out with water and mints now, so we could always just make out to pass the time._  
“I’m a lesbian, Dathan,” Isadora complained.  
“I’m ace, Dathan,” Nick agreed.  
“Plus, you have a huge crush on our brother, Dathan,” Violet added.  
“But I’m bored!” Dathan complained, “Violet, whether or not I have a tiny crush or not isn’t important when I’ve been in constant danger of dying for weeks, okay? I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, so there’s no sense in being hung up on it. Nick, I get it, you’re ace, but there’s literally no room to do anything fun in this thing and we have to do something. And Isa, obviously you’re a lesbian, but that didn’t stop you when we were-“  
“I believe our deal,” Isadora cut him off with a growl, “Was to never speak of this again. That sounds like speaking of it.”  
But when the two made eye contact, they burst into laughter.  
And soon enough the Baudelaires joined in, delighted to find that even when they were in the darkest part of their lives, a tiny ray of hope could still sliver its way through. 


	20. None Of Them Make Good Decisions Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s sad boi hours y’all

“Hector will take you home with him, won’t you Hector?” Trilled the Councilwoman of the Village of Fowl Devotees who had just explained to the Baudelaire children that they would be doing all the chores in the town.  
They turned to watch Hector, a nervous looking man who opened his mouth as though he was going to speak, and they watched as his eyes rolled back in his head and he dropped to the ground.  
“What is this guy, narcoleptic?” Richie snapped, turning back to the Council of Elders.  
“No talking on the platform!” Shouted one of the Councilman, and Richie’s mouth shut as the man glared at him, “We’ve already covered that there is no talking on the platform! It will also be Hector’s job to feed you, help you with chores, and teach you the rules of the town so that we don’t have anymore serious problems like this.”  
Hector had managed to stir by then and was gesturing for the Seven Baudelaire children to follow him outside.  
Klaus was the first to go, the others trailing behind him as he muttered, “When Mr. Poe said we were going to be raised based on the phrase ‘It takes a village’ I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to be yelled at over trivial rules, forced to do chores for an entire town, and schlepped off with some poor man who is obviously in need of a Valium.”  
“Life’s a bitch,” Veruca muttered as the children found themselves out of the dusty Town Hall and standing next to Hector the handyman. They found themselves surrounded by crows, which was to be expected as the town was completely covered in them. The Council had explained that the crows roosted uptown in the mornings and downtown in the afternoons, and it was indeed the afternoon and they were indeed downtown, but still Soli whimpered in _almost_ surprise when she saw them, tucking Babbit deeper into her pocket.__  
“Hello, Baudelaires, it’s nice to meet you,” Hector extended a hand to shake with each of the children, releasing a long sigh, “I’m Hector. I’m very sorry for fainting in there, I just get so _nervous_ when I’m around the Council of Elders, I can hardly stand it.”__  
Soli, who spent most of her time these days either crying, throwing temper tantrums, or making sure to keep Babbit in her line of sight, toddled forward and gave the man a gentle pat on the leg, “I understand. I’m nervous too.”  
“Oh,” Hector looked down at her, his face soft, “I’m sorry. Someone so young and sweet shouldn’t have much of anything to be so nervous about, you deserve better than that. But thank you,” He paused, “Oh! Hang on, all of you, wait, look at the sunset. You’re about to see something amazing.”  
“The sunset is lovely,” Klaus was a little impatient, “But-”  
Richie swung his hand out, and the siblings watched him stare forwards in fascination, “Baudeboy, hush,” He muttered, and the others followed his infatuated gaze.  
One of the largest crows flapped his wings twice and then took off flying from the railing it was perched on.  
Soon after one of the other larger crows, sitting on a mailbox, did the same thing, and then about ten of them did the same thing in a row, until suddenly all of them flew into the air.  
“Holy shit,” Richie muttered to himself, watching them fly with the most rapt attention they had ever seen of him, “Oh my _god_ holy shit that was…”__  
Sunny reached her hands up into the air, and Richie caught the hint quickly and lifted her to balance on his hip, “Wow. Corvid?” She whispered, which meant _Wow. Do all crows do that?___  
Richie shook has head, staring at the horizon in amazement, “Not like that.”  
“Nick would’ve loved that,” Soli whimpered.  
The others nodded, Klaus reaching out to hold Soli, “He would’ve. You remember last year when he had that bird obsession? It was his special interest for at least six months.”  
“And he and Violet tried to make wings, like Icarus, remember that?” Lilac sniffled, trying to stop the tears that were running down her face from being too obvious, “And they kept sneaking up to the roof so they could test them by jumping off.”  
“Who are Nick and Violet?” Hector asked, already beginning to walk in the same direction the crows had gone.  
“Our brother and sister,” Klaus said, holding his own tears back just barely, almost yelling out loud when he felt a few drip down his face.  
Richie cleared his throat, “They were kidnapped.”  
“Oh!” Hector had a gentle expression, as though he was afraid the children would break if he did not respond correctly, “That is incredibly sad, I’m so sorry. Would you mind telling me what happened?”  
“It’s kind of a long story,” Lilac murmured.  
“Well, it’s kind of a long walk,” Hector nodded in the direction they were walking, “About a mile as the crow flies.”  
Veruca stopped suddenly, digging her heels into the ground, “What? I am _not_ walking a mile.__  
Signing, Richie paused and allowed his sister to climb on to his back, beginning to carry her.  
The rest started to walk, all but Avery, who dug his own heels in with a frown as he whined, “It doesn’t seem fair that she gets to be carried and I don’t!”  
Richie rolled his eyes and handed Sunny to Lilac, then swept his youngest brother into his arms, “You two both owe me so much. Bitches.”  
“Why don’t you begin at the beginning, children?” Hector asked softly, “And we’ll head to my house. I hope you all like Mexican food, because that’s my specialty.”  
The Baudelaires nodded, Soli crying quietly into Klaus’s sleeve. 

__

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“Baudelaires, that is a very unfortunate story,” Hector sighed._  
The children had told Hector _almost_ everything, leaving out the slight details that three of them were actually Spats, and that they weren’t quite as nice as the rest of the Baudelaires.__  
Lilac nodded, “We’re aware of that.”  
The walk had indeed been long, and the children were tired and a bit thirsty by the time they made it to Hector’s yard.  
“Well,” Hector paused to open the gate that sat in front of the yard, although there was no fence surrounding it, “I’m sorry that this doesn’t seem to be the right VFD.”  
“It still could be,” Klaus thought aloud, “Maybe there are some dark secrets to the town.”  
Hector shook his head forlornly, “I doubt it. Not much changes around here, besides the addition of rules. The only new things recently have been you kids, the new chief of police, and the fountain.”  
“Maybe it’s a sinister fountain,” Lilac shifted Sunny’s weight to the other side, “Avery and I could take a look at the mechanics of it and see if anything is off.”  
“Oh, I don’t think it’s a mechanical fountain,” Hector leaned against the rail of the front porch, “Rule #67 says pretty clearly that there are no mechanical devices allowed within city limits.”  
“None?” Avery asked, looking a little disappointed at this development.  
Hector shrugged, “I mean, there’s still an old firetruck, but that’s only because no one can figure out how to get it out of the fence that surrounds the town.”  
Lilac almost choked, incredibly upset, “I was hoping there would be _something_ we could use. Violet loves mechanical stuff just like I do, and I figured that finding them would be so much easier, and then, well, I just thought it would make her so happy to have these mechanic opportunities waiting.”__  
“Well…” Hector paused, “Can you kids keep a secret?”  
“It’s all we do,” Veruca muttered, climbing off of Richie’s back.  
The rest of them nodded, and Hector pointed past the house to a barn about ten times the size of the house, “Come with me to the barn,” As he led them to the doors of the gigantic shed, he paused, “After they passed Rule #67, the Council of Elders instructed me to get rid of all the mechanical items and inventing materials in town, but I didn’t like the idea of that, so I brought them all here.”  
The children gasped as the barn doors opened, revealing the most intricate studio any of them had seen in a long time. Inside the barn was a huge mass of baskets, with several wires and ropes attached to the sides. It leaned towards the back of the room, where there was presumably some kind of deflated balloon attached. Also attached to the rim of the baskets were several other slightly smaller ones, covered with tight lids and decorated with shiny ribbons.  
“This is my inventing studio,” Hector said, and then he proudly added, “But that, over there, is my greatest mark of pride. My self-sustaining hot air mobile home.”  
Veruca, who was incredibly interested in the balloon material, glanced up happily, “Can you explain that a little more?”  
Hector beamed, looking quite excited to be asked, “Now,” he said, “Do you know how a hot air balloon works?”  
“Of course,” Klaus chuckled, “We all tried to build one once, but it was a lot harder than we had expected, and we ended up switching to playing pirates.  
“Well,” Hector said, “My invention is nothing more than a large hot air balloon. Instead of one large basket, though, there are twelve baskets tied together here- you see? Each one serves as a different room, so it’s like a flying house. It’s completely self-sustaining. Once you get up in it, you never have to go back down. In fact, if my new engine works properly, it will be impossible to get back down, and last for more than one hundred years. I’m filling different baskets with food, beverages, clothing and books. Once it’s completed, I’ll be able to fly away from VFD and the Council of Elders and all the frightening things on the ground, and live forever in the air.”  
“Sounds marvelous,” Avery said.  
“Could I take a look at your engine?” Lilac asked, already tying up her hair, “I noticed you said _if_ it works properly, and perhaps Avery and I could check it out for any issues.”__  
Hector nodded, and Klaus asked quietly, “While they’re doing that, I was wondering if you could tell us where the town library is? I was hoping to do some research into VFD in the hopes of finding Nick and Violet and the Quagmires sooner.”  
“Well,” Hector looked a little sheepish, “Rule #107 says that no books are allowed that include the rules being broken, so that means that pretty much no books were allowed except one very boring and kind of stupid one called _The Littlest Elf_ and the town rulebook, and then they banned the town rulebook too because it talks about all the rule breaks. The Council gave me all the books to burn, but I couldn’t bear the idea of that, so I hid them all here in one of the baskets. It’s like a little library all on its own.”__  
“What about you two?” Hector asked Richie and Veruca, “What are you interested in?”  
“Sleep,” Veruca said simply, and after a moment she added, “And fashion design. I really liked the material of your balloons.”  
Hector smiled, “Well thank you. Unfortunately, Rule #386 bans excessive sleeping, and Rule #92 forbids clothes that distract from the social norm,” He paused as he watched her face drop and amended quickly, “But I’ve got a whole basket full of fabric and buttons and trim and such that they told me to burn, and I have sewing supplies, if you’re interested.”  
She broke out into an uncharacteristically large grin, and then turned to her older brother, “Richie really liked magic tricks, and card games. I’m sure there’s something against that, but if you have anything…”  
“Rule #4,682 says that there’s no magic of any kind allowed, but we didn’t have many magicians in the first place, so I’m afraid that I don’t really have many materials, but I know for sure that there are some magic books in the library basket. And all gambling is strictly banned under Rule #78, but I really love blackjack, so I’ve got a whole drawer filled with decks of cards.”  
Richie grinned, “That sounds great. I’ve got two decks, but I just lost one, so that would be really awesome. So, do you know all the rules? Could you tell us, for example, what Rule #69 is?”  
“That one says that there’s no smoking of any substance. And yes, I can recite all of them,” Hector added.  
“Well that’s awesome,” Richie paused to hold on a chuckle, “Could you tell us then, for example, what Rule #420 is?”  
Hector blushed, “That one is a bit… sexual in nature, so I’d rather-” He cut off as Veruca burst into giggles, and then he shrugged, “But anyway, what about the little ones? What do they like?”  
“Bite!” Sunny said proudly.  
“Oh! Well that’s actually Rule #421, there’s no use of the mouth for recreational purposes,” Hector paused to glance at Richie and Veruca, who were now rolling on the floor with laughter, “But I really like crunchy foods as well, so I’ve got a whole basket of the crunchiest foods we can make. I’m sure we can find something for you.”  
“Frogs,” Soli added, quietly.  
“Do you have any reptiles for Solitude?” Avery asked, looking at the little girl fondly, “She’s a herpetologist.”  
“Well I’m afraid there aren’t many reptiles out here, and Rule #10,184 says that there should be no pets other than crows,” Hector kneeled down in front of Soli and smiled, “But I’m sure we have some herpetology books, if you’re interested.”  
Avery began looking through the library basket himself, “What do you think, Solitude, you wanna read up on some snakes?”  
Soli shook her head stubbornly, “I want Nick!”  
Sunny nodded in miserable agreement, “I want Violet!”  
The two girls collapsed crying onto each other, and the rest of the siblings rushed to hug them, “We know, we know,” They all soothed together, “We want them too, we’ll get them, we promise.”  
Hector, who was not looking at them but was instead looking at the ceiling, afraid to trespass in this moment, said quietly, “I’m very sorry, Baudelaires, for everything you’ve been through. And I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I left dinner on the warmer before we left, and it’s very good, and I often find that a nice, warm meal eases the heart, even if it’s only the slightest bit.”  
The children nodded, and followed Hector slowly back to the house. 

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _The dinner had indeed eased their hearts, but only the slightest bit._  
Although the house had many rooms and they could each have their own if they wished, they decided, at least for the first night, that all Seven of them would share one.  
It was very, very late, and everyone was sleeping fitfully, or at least that was what Lilac believed when she slowly stood up and began to creep towards the bedroom door.  
“What are you doing?” Richie whispered to her, sitting up.  
Lilac jumped, whipping around with a hand over her heart, “Richie, you scared the hell out of me! I thought you were asleep.”  
Richie had volunteered to sleep on the floor, which confused everyone as he usually insisted on getting a bed or a couch or _something_ more comfortable, but he stood up quickly and rubbed the sore spot on his back, “No, I was thinking. So what are you doing?”__  
Shifting her weight from foot to foot, Lilac rubbed her thumb over her ribbon nervously, “Nothing. I mean, it doesn’t matter. I mean, I was, uh, I was just going to go get a glass of water.”  
“You don’t drink water at night,” Richie advanced towards her slowly, leaning against the door frame, “You’re afraid it’ll wake you up too much and you won’t be able to go back to sleep.”  
“Can’t I change my mind?” She snapped, although her eyes flicked anxiously towards the door.  
“You probably could if you were just about anyone else,” Richie chuckled, “But you’re one of the most steadfast people I know. It’s why Veruca sometimes calls you Lil on accident instead of Li, you’re just like our sister. Now, what are you really doing?”  
“What needs to be done,” Lilac hissed, “Now move. Go to sleep, and forget about this.”  
“You don’t even know if he’s here yet,” Richie pointed out.  
Lilac scoffed, “Of course he is, we just haven’t found him yet. If I wander around for a bit, I’ll find him, or he’ll find me, or however the hell it works.”  
“You can’t do this, Lilac. You can’t leave your siblings.”  
“It would only be temporary! Only until I can get my other siblings safe. I think he’d at least trade me for Violet, and, and-” She cut off, a silent sob filling her throat.  
“Hey, no, come here,” Richie wrapped her in his arms, breathing as evenly as he could to counteract her choppy gasps, “Listen to me. Your siblings don’t want this. We don’t want this. You can’t trade yourself.”  
“But I,” She buried her face into his shoulder, and he could just barely hear her murmur against him, “I promised.”  
“You promised what?”  
“I promised my parents!” Lilac cried, and then she dropped her voice back to a whisper, “I promised my parents that I would always look after my siblings and take care of them, and I haven’t done that!”  
Richie sighed deeply, as though that were the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, “Lilac Middle Name that I think is Emily or Emma or something Baudelaire, don’t you dare say that. Did you know Lilith used to rave about how she wished she could be as good of a big sister as you, when she didn’t think we were really paying attention? You work so hard to take care of everyone and you love your brothers and sisters so much that I think sometimes you forget you’re still just a kid.”  
Lilac lifted her head to look at him, “I can’t just be a kid, I’m the eldest Baudelaire. It’s my responsibility to-”  
“Your responsibility is to do your best and love your family and take care of yourself as well as them,” Richie said firmly, and he cupped her face in his hands, “Li, you can’t do this. You weren’t even going to leave a note! Do you have any idea how worried everyone would be? And even if Olaf took you, there’s no guarantee he wouldn’t just kill the rest of them, and even if he didn’t, you’ve seen their despair at losing Nick and Violet. Do you really want to cause more of that?”  
She shook her head, “No, but I-”  
“No. No excuses. You don’t trade yourself. You’re a resourceful family we’ll all figure out a way to get them back,” Richie pulled her into a hug once again, “Please, promise me that you won’t trade yourself to him. I need to hear you say it.”  
“I promise,” She murmured.  
“Good,” Richie entwined his hands with hers and tugged her away from the door, “Now let’s go back to bed, yeah?”  
Nodding, Lilac followed him with a long yawn, and fell asleep curled on the ground, her hand still holding his.  
And when Richie knew she was finally asleep, he untangled their fingers gently, placed a slip of paper in his spot on the ground, and kissed her on the forehead, “Please keep your promise. You deserve more than this. You all do.” 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _The children were woken very early in the morning to a scream, all sitting up in a panic, “What’s going on? What’s wrong? What?”_  
It was Veruca who was screaming, and after closer examination they saw why.  
Babbit was seated on her face, their little mouth pressed against hers at an awkward angle, and Veruca was nearly crying as she peeled them off, “What the fuck? I don’t even kiss people! Why would I kiss a frog, oh god, oh god!”  
“Babbit, no,” Soli scolded, picking them up gently.  
Klaus sighed, “You don’t have to cry, Veruca, it’s okay.”  
“Not Veruca,” Sunny murmured sleepily.  
“Yeah, I’m not crying,” Veruca shuddered, “I just want to.”  
“Well someone is crying,” Klaus looked around, “So who is it?”  
Avery was the first one to speak, and they realized he had rushed to Lilac’s side, soothing her as she sobbed, “Lilac, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”  
“I should have made him promise!” Lilac sobbed, “I should’ve made the bastard promise too, instead of just promising him!”  
Completely frozen, Avery stared at her, “Lilac. Where’s Richie?” And as she shook her head, he tried again, fidgeting madly and almost yelling in frustration, “Where’s Richie?”  
Lilac held out her hand, with a crumpled piece of paper in it, and as Avery looked over it quickly he broke down, screaming.  
“What is it?” Klaus asked, pushing his glasses in his nose, “Where’s Richie?”  
Handing him the note, Lilac shook her head and dropped to the floor. 

______ _ Hey guys,_  
Listen, I’m not gonna say I’m sorry, because I’m not. This was the right thing for me to do. Nick got taken because of me. I was the one who was supposed to be taken. Olaf will trade us, because Nick wasn’t even supposed to be there. It was me he wanted. So he should be back soon, okay? I’ll be alright, and I’ll try and help Isadora and Violet and Dathan out of there too.  
It’s just me, okay? It’ll be okay. You know me, I’m always greedy for attention. And there’s not much more attention than I can get for saving Nick.  
I’m not sorry, but I’ll miss you guys so much.  
I love all of you, _  
-Richie_

_ _ __ _ _

“Oh, fuck,” Soli muttered.  
“Oh, fuck,” Sunny agreed.  
The two broke down alongside Avery and Lilac, bawling so forcefully they were nearly fainting, and it didn’t take long for the others to join them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Open up!” Richie pounded on the door of the police station, tired from walking the mile back to town, “I know you’re in there, so open up!”  
Esme Squalor threw the door open, grabbed him by the collar, and pulled him inside.  
Richie chuckled, even as he hit the ground, “I knew that you were the new chief of police. As soon as the Council said that they had hired a new chief, I knew it couldn’t be anyone but you, you cokesniffer.”  
“What are you doing here?” Esme hissed, circling him, “Are your little friends along with you?”  
“No, they don’t know I’m here. I need to talk to Olaf.”  
“I heard my name,” Count Olaf slid into the room, sneering down his nose at the boy, “Now, what do you want?”  
Steeling himself, Richie took a deep breath, “I wanna make a trade.”  
“A trade?”  
“Your henchpeople took Nick, but they were supposed to take me. I think,” He paused to blink back tears, “I want you to take me, and let Nick go.”  
Olaf stroked his chin as though he were deep in thought, and Richie almost made a joke about how it was the first time Olaf had ever spent more than a second to think, but before he could the Count spoke, “An intriguing idea. And why would you want to trade yourself for him? You must know that I’m not-”  
“I know,” Richie grit his teeth, “And that’s why I want you to trade. Take me, and let Nick go. Please.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

As Olaf shoved Richie into the large bird, alongside the other children, Richie cried out, “Now, Nick! You said you’d let Nick go!”  
“Wait,” Dathan was horror struck, “Richie?”  
“Don’t worry, guys, it’ll be okay! I got Olaf to say he’ll let Nick go, if he takes me.”  
“Are you saying Nick isn’t with you?” Violet asked, panicking.  
Olaf’s dark chuckle filled the tiny space as he slammed the opening shut, and he continued to cackle alongside Esme as he spoke, “Poor little Nick ran away three nights ago. But thank you, young Spats, for refilling our empty spot.”  
“What?” Richie demanded.  
But Olaf and Esme and the henchpeople had all disappeared, and the four children began to cry. 


	21. "Are You High Or Something?" Yes, Yes He Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains some heavy references to Olaf and the rest of the troupe being huge creeps (sexual/pedophilic implications). Nothing is stated directly, but it is pretty heavily implied. The references are pretty much all towards the end at the Dathan parts, specifically the flashbacks. There's also a character drugged in this chapter, which IS explicitly stated. Overall it's just kind of a heavy chapter, so please read at your own discretion and take care of your mental health.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh I fucked up, I fucked up so bad,” Richie muttered, breathing heavily, covering his face with his hands, “I’m so sorry guys, I’m so sorry. If I’d known that he was gone I would’ve tried to get him to let one of you go, I would’ve-”  
“Richie,” Isadora breathed out, “It’s not your fault. You had no way of knowing, and let’s be honest, it’s very doubtful that Count Olaf would have kept his word anyway. It’s not like he ever really has before.”  
Dathan sighed, glancing at his older brother carefully, “Richie, buddy, you’ve gotta stop hyperventilating, you’re gonna pass out again. Slow your breathing. It’s gonna be okay.”   
“No it’s not!” Richie snapped, and then he began to cry, “It’s not going to be okay! I told them, I told them that it would all be okay but it was a lie, and we always told you guys that everything would be okay, but that was a lie too! Esme was right, she was right, we’re not okay and we’re never going to be okay again.”  
“Do you have any cards?” Dathan asked, leaning against the wall calmly, “Cards chill you out a little bit.”  
Richie looked up at his brother, wondering how the boy was so dreadfully calm when normally he’d be yelling the loudest of them all, “No, Klaus has my cards. I mean, my spare deck. My main deck got dropped down an elevator shaft and then I didn’t have time to look for them because we were looking for you guys and-”  
“Breathe, Richie,” Violet wrapped her arms around him, trying to soothe the boy, “I can’t say that it’ll be okay, but I can say that right now, we’re safe. And that’s something.”   
Isadora gave her a look, “How, exactly, are we safe right now?”  
Chuckling, Dathan nudged the Quagmire’s shoulder playfully, startling her a little, “Of course we’re safe, Ida, we’re not dead.”  
The other three frowned, turning to him, and Isadora asked carefully, “What did you just call me?”  
He laughed again, “Can’t I use your nickname? Would it be better if I called you Sora?”  
Richie sniffled, holding down his panic enough to panic about something else for a moment, “Dathan, are you feeling alright? Are you high or something?”  
“Better than ever, big bro,” Pausing, Dathan shook his head suddenly and violently, “Actually, I was better yesterday. But good.”   
Looking at each other nervously, the three other kids tried to think of what to say, but they were cut off as the giant bird they were in opened slowly.   
“Hello children,” Esme trilled, “How are you?”  
“Miserable,” Violet snarled.  
Esme laughed, “Good,” and then backed away from the bird just a touch, “We want the angry one. You other three stay in there and let him come out.”   
“There isn’t room for that,” Isadora complained,   
“Then make there be room,” Olaf snarled, and his face appeared next to Esme’s, “We want him now.”  
The children shook their heads and shifted as well as they could, moving Dathan to the opening but still holding onto him, Violet asking suspiciously, “What do you want with him?”  
Olaf wrapped a hand around Dathan’s wrist and gave a sharp tug, “Merely to have a chat. And speaking of chats, I must say once more that you looked so much lovelier before your little haircut, darling Violet.”  
Dathan stumbled forward as Olaf pulled him, but stumbled back again when Isadora wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him back to her, “Whatever you want to say to him, you can say to the rest of us as well.”  
Chuckling, Olaf merely gave another tug of Dathan’s arm and pulled the boy out of the bird, shutting the entrance on the children as they tried to lunge out after him.  
“Fuck,” Richie snapped, running his fingers through his hair, “Fuck! What’s wrong with him?”   
“Do you think he could have a concussion, like Violet?” Isadora asked cautiously.   
Violet nodded, running a hand through the hair shorn short against her head, “He seems like he could. I mean, he does seem less out of it now than he did at first. I think it must have happened two days ago, when he was trying to fight them after they let us go to the bathroom.”   
“But he hasn’t acted quite the same way,” Richie shifted his weight from foot to foot, trying to keep himself squished into the corner so he wouldn’t take up too much space, “What if it’s something else?”   
“I’m sure it’s not,” Violet rested a comforting hand on his shoulder, “And even if it is, it won’t be bad forever. Isa sent out those two poems, and I’m sure our siblings will find them, and they’ll do what they can to figure out what happens next. They’ll get us back.”  
Richie nodded, although he was clearly still nervous, and Isadora broke out into somewhat inappropriate laughter, “The suspense is terrible, and we should do something to distract ourselves until he’s back, but all I can think of is Dathan suggesting we make out to pass the time.”   
Violet chuckled, but Richie lifted his head with a grin, “I mean, I’d be down for that.”   
“I’m a lesbian,” Isadora frowned.  
“Violet isn’t,” Richie paused, looking at the Baudelaire worriedly, “Wait, you’re not, right? Or am I just being an oblivious bitch?”  
“I’m not a lesbian, but,” Violet paused, examining him warily, “But you are very gay.”  
Pouting, Richie crossed his arms over his chest, “That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to be included.”  
“It’s not an issue of being included, because none of us are making out,” Isadora let her eyebrow raise with a little flick, wondering if all the Spats were as irrational as Riche and Dathan, “Dathan is your brother, so you can’t kiss him, and he’s the only boy, and you don’t like girls, and I don’t like boys, and Violet is apparently just indecisive, and literally nothing adds up so that it would make sense for you to kiss anyone here.”  
“Hey!” Violet protested, although laughter sparkled behind her eyes, “I’m not indecisive!”  
Isadora chuckled quietly, wrapping an arm around the girl fondly, “Just a joke, Violet, sorry. It’s what Duncan and I used to call Quigley, to tease him about how bi he is… I mean, was,” She broke off, shutting her eyes tightly.   
Violet comforted her gently, soothing Isadora and how greatly she missed her brothers.   
Richie tried to comfort the girl as well, not doing much besides taking her hand to help her calm down, but once she had opened her eyes again he was already stewing, “I still can’t believe that no one wants to kiss me.”  
“Richie,” Shaking her head, Isadora gave an uncharacteristic giggle, “It doesn’t even make any _sense._”  
He stamped his foot, ignoring how whiny his voice was as he complained, “I don’t care! I want someone to kiss me! Why won’t anyone kiss me? I know that all three of you have probably kissed each other at some point in the time you’ve been stuck here, why don’t I get a kiss? Am I less appealing than you? Am I stupid? Ugly? Why won’t anyone kiss me? I want someone to kiss me! I want someone to kiss me! I want someone to kiss me I want someone to kiss me I want someone to-”  
Violet cut him off, taking half a step forward in the tiny space and pressing her lips to his. Richie’s palms flattened against the wall behind him, Violet’s hand caressing his cheek softly, and when she broke away she laughed at the soft blush that covered his features, “Are you happy now, Richie?”  
Nodding frantically, Richie closed his eyes and grinned, “Yes, ma'am.” __

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

_ _“How do you feel?” Esme asked Dathan, smiling wickedly at the boy.   
He was a little dizzy, holding the cup they had folded into his hand and trying very hard not to spill it, although he wasn’t even quite sure what it was, “A little funny. What’s, uh, what’s going on?”   
Count Olaf chuckled, waving to the henchpeople to drop Dathan’s arms, which he hadn’t realized they were holding, “We’re just making sure that you’ll behave yourself, that’s all. What do you remember from the last two weeks?”  
Dathan concentrated as hard as he could, furrowing his brows. _ _

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

_ _“I got the knife,” Dathan whispered to his fellow captives, “Hang on, where’s Violet?”   
Nick shook his head, “He didn’t give her back yet,” His fists clenched, “I don’t know.”   
Looking sick, Isadora examined the knife, “Who’d you take it from?”  
The long, wicked blade looked like it belonged in a butcher shop, and the children shuddered to think of what Count Olaf could do with it.   
They paused as the entrance to the red herring they were trapped in slid open, all three of them huddling in front of the knife to keep it out of Olaf’s line of sight.   
Violet gave a scream as she stepped inside, and they realized that Olaf had a firm grip on her hair and had pulled her back against him, muttering to her, “Such a pretty little girl, with such pretty long hair, and yet such horrid little manners. We’ll have to fix that, will we not?”   
With a roar, Dathan burst forward, forgetting completely about what was in his hand, and pushed Olaf hard on the chest.   
“What do you have?” Olaf demanded as he stumbled to the ground, Violet crying out as some of her hair got yanked out.   
“A knife!”  
“No!” The Count tried to stand up, but the other children had run out of fish and swarmed him, pummeling him and pinning to the ground.   
Dathan flipped the knife over in his hands, trying to calm the redness of the vision and make a good decision, but he could feel himself shaking.   
Before he could do anything, though, Violet had grabbed the knife herself.  
Olaf managed to throw the others off of him and reached towards her, grabbing her hard by the hair and pulling it tight. Violet lifted the blade and brought it down as hard as she could, again and again.   
The other children stared in amazement as Violet hacked at her hair, and then as she turned to them and said simply, “Run!”  
They took off, remembering the plan and breaking off through the woods in different directions, knowing that they would find each other eventually, that the first goal was to get as far away as possible, to find the rest of the nine Baudelaires, and they concentrated on this thought as they went, and not on the sound of Olaf shouting behind them, “Esme! Henchmen! Come on, help me catch these goddamned brats!”_ _

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

_ _“You…” Dathan paused, looking around at Olaf and Esme and the henchpeople carefully, “Nick got away, but you got the rest of us. And then you, with the knife, you,” His hand went to his bandaged stomach and ran over the wound carefully.  
Laughing, Esme turned to Olaf, “Oh yes, that was fun, wasn’t it darling? You should do it again some time.”  
“Maybe later, dearest,” Olaf turned to the blonde boy with a sharp glance, “Anything else?”  
He closed his eyes to concentrate and shook his head, deep in thought, trying to clear out the fog that has filled his brain. _ _

_ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

_ _“I can’t believe this, Richie,” Dathan complained, trying not to show how incredibly worried he was.   
Richie paused in the midst of the list he was reciting, “Well, how was I supposed to know this would happen?” And then continued, “Grilled cheddar with thinly sliced apples, peanut butter and jelly with potato chips, ham and cheese with ranch, peanut butter and banana with honey, turkey and chicken and duck, roast beef with cream cheese, bacon and pepper, grilled cheddar with thinly sliced apples, peanut butter with-”  
“What’s he doing?” Violet asked, feeling her now short hair and deep in thought about her brother.   
Shaking his head, Dathan ran his hands smoothly on his brother’s shoulder, trying to calm him down, “He doesn’t have any cards with him, which is what he usually uses to calm down, so now he’s verbal stimming, I guess, by reciting our sandwich orders.”  
“Your sandwich orders?” Violet looked up at him, “What does that even mean?”  
“Our parents weren’t around a ton when we were kids, and our cousins were a lot older than us, so they weren’t around for a super long time,” Dathan explained, “So we’d take turns picking what we wanted to eat for lunch, usually just our favorite sandwiches. We each had a different day of the week that we got to pick, and Richie was usually the one who actually put them together for us, so he has all our orders memorized. Sometimes he’d cut them into special shapes for us, if it was our day of the week. He used to cut mine into daisies.”  
Violet opened her mouth, smiling softly as she started to admit how much softer and sweeter the Spats seemed to be than she had expected, but just then the bird opened up.   
“Back in, orphan,” The bald henchman laughed, shoving Isadora inside, and she curled immediately against the wall, sobbing.   
“What happened?” Dathan asked immediately, turning to the girl, “Are you okay? Did he…”  
“No, no,” Isadora buried her face in her hands, “He didn’t, they didn’t _do_ anything, but they were saying such terrible, they were telling, he was telling me, that he was going to, to-” She dissolved.  
Violet began to cry as well, wrapping Isadora in a hug, “I’m so sorry. He told me too, they made me, they, I didn’t want to tell you guys, I thought that I was just overreacting, but I-” And then she broke off in despair as well.   
Nodding, Richie joined their little huddle, silent tears running down his face, “Me too. I mean, _he_ doesn’t say much, just a few comments here and there, but she, she called me ‘Such a pretty little boy,’ she made me do-” He stopped, burying his face into Violet’s shoulder as the three hugged tightly.   
Dathan pounded his fists against the inner wall of the bird, shouting, “I need out! I’ve gotta go to the bathroom!”   
“Alright, alright, hold your horses,” The hook handed man opened the bird up, pulling the boy out, and as soon as the entrance had reclosed, Dathan pounced.  
He kicked, he bit, he clawed, at everyone in sight. He was shrieking desperately, crying out, “How dare you? You fuckers! You motherfucking bitches! Don’t you dare touch them! Don’t look at them, don’t even think about them, you cocksuckers, you, you fuckmonsters, how dare you?”   
Silenced before he knew what was happening, Dathan slumped to the ground as he was knocked hard over the head with a board by Count Olaf, who let out a heavy breath and looked around at his companions, “This boy is quite the problem child. We need to find a way to handle this.”  
Esme’s eyes sparkled, “I believe I have the ingredients for just the solution.”_____ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Dathan’s eyes snapped open, “You, you guys told them, you said, oh my god!”   
He lunged at the people around him, but Olaf merely gave a wave of his hand and the henchpeople each grabbed one of the boy’s limbs and held him down as Esme lifted the cup back to his lips, “Now, no biting this time. You’ve certainly got a lot of fight, so vivacious.”  
Olaf helped her to hold Dathan’s jaw shut and pinch his nose, not allowing the boy the chance to breathe until he had swallowed, and the Count leaned close to the captive boy’s ear, whispering into them as he struggled to stay awake, “I will do whatever I want, and you can’t do a thing to stop me, or any of the rest of us. Understand?”  
Dathan refused to answer, shaking, doing everything he could to keep his eyelids from fluttering shut.  
“He said,” Esme dug her nails into the boy’s cheek, examining his face carefully, her other hand trailing down his shoulder, “Do you understand?”   
And an hour later, as Dathan muttered frantically, “I understand, I understand,” Over and over again, as they shoved him back inside the bird, he broke down crying, although he couldn’t for the life of him remember why._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all liked it okay, sorry it was an angst machine  
I liked writing Violet cutting her hair, that was really fun   
okay   
Love y'all  
<3 <3 <3


	22. The One Where VFD Stands For Very Friggin Dumb

“What do we do?” Klaus asked, readjusting Sunny on his hip as he swept.  
The children were doing their morning chores, and Sunny was holding the two little scraps of paper that the children had found, trying very hard to read them.  
“Read them to us again,” Veruca murmured from where she was sprawled across the ground, feigning illness to get out of doing work.  
“_For stupid shit we’re held in here, Only you can end our fear,_” Klaus paused, handing the slip back to Sunny and taking the second one from her, “_Until dawn comes we cannot speak, No words can come from this sad beak_.”____  
Avery nodded as he listened, “I stand by my church theory.”  
“It’s a stupid fucking theory,” Klaus snapped.  
“Well no one asked you, Baudebitch,” Avery growled, throwing himself to the ground in a mix of despair, anger, and a desire to be the most dramatic one in the group.  
Klaus ran his hand through his hair and walked over to the boy, setting Sunny down as he went, “Baudebitch is such a stupid insult, you know that? If you’re gonna be an asshole, you could try actually doing it well.”  
Avery jumped up, his chest puffing out, “Well then, what should I call you? A dumbass? The reason I may never see my brothers again? A motherfucking tool who depends entirely on his siblings for every goddamn thing he does?”  
“At least I’m not a whiny bitch who cries every single fucking time something goes wrong,” Klaus started.  
“Yes you do!” Avery protested.  
Klaus shook his head, “Can’t you shut up for literally twenty fucking seconds? You cry when things go wrong and then you pretend that you’re so tough, so cool, when all of us know that you’re just a huge wannabe in every single fucking way. Everything you do is just because you don’t want someone else to be better than you!”  
The two boys stood completely still, glaring at each other, the rest of their siblings watching them uncomfortably, unsure of what to say.  
Lilac finally opened her mouth to speak, but closed it as the two collapsed in on each other.  
“Are they fighting?” Veruca asked, quietly, sitting up and staring at them.  
None of them were quite sure, but it wasn’t long until they saw the boys break apart, shaking with laughter. “I’ve missed this,” Avery beamed.  
“Me too,” Klaus straightened his glasses, “We shouldn’t go this long without a good screaming match. It’s like therapy, but cheaper, and more readily available.”  
The others stared at them in shock, all unsure of what to say to that.  
“Well,” Veruca said finally, shrugging, “What do you expect of a couple of emotional gay boys to do? At least they didn’t punch each other.”  
“Who says we’re gay?” Klaus asked, turning to her with a chuckle.  
The others laughed at that, all except for Avery, who was nodding his head along with Klaus in solidarity.  
Veruca sat up, “I mean, Klaus had two boyfriends, so I’m assuming he’s gay enough. The Baudeboy is a real gentleman’s man. And Avery definitely had a big ass crush on-”  
“Shut up!” Avery snapped, throwing a clump of dirt at her.  
“Of course,” Veruca continued, looking utterly unbothered and seeming not to have noticed her brother’s words, “I believe that Avery may swing both ways, as unathletic as he is otherwise, but he’s gay enough, isn’t he?”  
“I don’t swing _any_ way,” Avery protested, “I don’t swing, I live.”__  
The elder of the two Spats rolled her eyes, “I wish you were sensible enough not to swing at all, Aves, but we both know that when somebody humors you and treats you well for a little bit it doesn’t take long for you to practically be in love.”  
Practically shaking with frustration, Avery flipped her off, “Do you ever actually shut the fuck up?”  
Shrugging, Veruca yawned and stretched out, “You love me.”  
Avery grumbled but nodded, going back to helping the others sweep, and Lilac stepped over towards Veruca herself, smiling, “Do you think you’re gonna help at all?”  
“Doubtful, love,” The other teenager’s eyes were closed, but she raised an eyebrow at the girl and let a single lid flutter open, “Doesn’t really sound like me.”  
“Well, we both know you’re not really sick,” Lilac gave a chuckle, nudging Veruca’s side with the toe of her shoe.  
“Of course we do. I’m not subtle,” Veruca’s eye closed again, “But what are we gonna do about that?”  
Lilac laid down next to her, taking her first break from chores in a while, “Well, you could start helping, huh? I know it’s a crazy idea, darling, but it just might work out.”  
“God, you’re so much like Lil it hurts sometimes,” Veruca laughed, turning to look at her again, “But no, I don’t think it would work out. Doesn’t sound like me at all.”  
“No,” Lilac gave her a wry smile, the two interlocking their hands, and let her eyes flutter shut as well, “No, it really doesn’t.”  
Klaus smiled, nudging Avery’s arm and pointing his head in their sisters’ direction, and Avery cooed happily, “Oh, how cute. They grow up so fast, don’t they?”  
Soli giggled, “You silly gooses.”  
“What?” A voice intruded on their quiet, gentle moment, and they turned to see that some of the Elders had approached, “What do you mean? We don’t allow geese here! We have crows, because crows are the greatest birds and creatures to ever exist, but we do _not_ have geese.”__  
The children leapt to their feet, Klaus shaking his head, “No, sorry, she just meant it as an expression. We don’t have any geese.”  
An Elder nodded, still looking suspicious, “Alright. Now, how are you with your chores? The fountain doesn’t look very clean.”  
“Oh it is, actually,” Veruca nodded, “We just finished scrubbing it.”  
“We?” Sunny muttered with a laugh.  
The Elders shook their heads but ignored this, one sighing, “Where is Hector?”  
“Oh, Hector’s busy,” Avery picked up Solitude and perched her on his shoulders as he spoke, “But we can give him a message.”  
“Well we have some very important news for him,” The Elders looked very frustrated.  
Another one spoke, “I suppose you can pass the message on, but you must make sure to remember.”  
“You just tell him,” Yet another Elder instructed, “The Count Olaf has been captured.”  
The children froze, unable to make a sound, to move, even to breathe.  
It was Soli who managed to speak first, saying simply, “Thank every god.”  
So totally overwhelmed, the children grinned, Lilac asking excitedly, “Was it Officer Luciana? Did she find our siblings and our friends, too?”  
“I guess we’ll find out at the town hall meeting,” One of the Elders shrugged, and the children buzzed with excitement. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I wish quite desperately for the Baudelaire’s sake that I could say the chief of police in the town of V.F.D. had captured Count Olaf, but alas, that’s not how the story goes. In fact… _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“Dathan, darling, can’t you please tell us what’s wrong?” Isadora asked, running her fingers through the blonde boy’s hair._  
Dathan shook his head, his pupils dilated incredibly wide and his expression fearful, “I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I-”  
“Fuck,” Richie snapped, turning to the two girls fearfully, “What did they do to my fucking brother? What’s happening? Goddammit!”  
Violet wrapped her arm around Richie, stroking his cheek gently, “It’ll be okay, Rich. We’ll figure it out, okay?”  
Nodding, Isadora tried to ignore her fear for her friend, “But it doesn’t seem like it’s a concussion.”  
They tried to ignore Dathan, who was shaking violently as he continued to repeat his little mantra to himself, but three children found themselves melting onto the boy, wrapping him in hugs and affection and fear.  
“Come here, orphans, pretenders,” Count Olaf’s wheezy voice echoed through the bird, and they knew he was standing right outside, “Come into the police station with us. We need your help with something.”  
The door on the side of the bird opened and the children spilled out, looking up at Count Olaf and Esme and the henchpeople. “What do you want?” Violet spat, helping the others to their feet.  
“Just follow,” Esme growled, putting her hands on Dathan and Richie’s shoulders and steering them towards the station.  
When they entered, they had to try very hard to blink the sudden light out of their eyes. The four children had been in nothing but darkness for a very long time, and they nearly cried at the sight of it.  
Olaf smiled at the four, sickly sweet and utterly terrifying, “I just thought that you all might like to know that the people of V.F.D. have learned today that Count Olaf was captured, by the lovely Officer Luciana.”  
The children looked at each other in confusion, all except Dathan, who was cowering behind the other three and kept rubbing his eyes and muttering to himself.  
“Would you like to meet him?” Esme asked, snickering, “He’s just in that cell over there.”  
They went slowly, worriedly, to the cell door, looking in at a man with thick dark hair, who did indeed have a unibrow and an eye tattoo on his ankle, but was also built entirely differently and had very warm, soft eyes as opposed to Olaf’s cold and watery ones.  
What did they mean, Count Olaf was captured?  
Just when they were about to ask, to try and figure out what was happening, the man’s eyes focused on the children, and he gasped as he looked at Violet, “You… But, how? How are you here?”  
“What’s wrong with him?” Richie muttered, confused, to the others.  
It was Isadora who answered, staring, “It’s because he thinks he’s seeing a ghost. That man,” She paused to clear her throat, and Violet finished for her.  
“That’s Jacques Snicket.”  
“Violet?” Jacques whispered, staring at the girl, and when she smiled and nodded, ignoring the tears that welled in the corner of her eyes, he let out an open sob and walked to the bars, reaching out and touching her shoulder, “Oh god, _Violet_ I can’t believe it. I’m Jacques, I’m, I’m your-”  
“I wouldn’t get too attached,” Olaf cut him off, chuckling, “By tomorrow morning, the town will be saying that _Count Olaf_ has been murdered.”____


	23. All I Want For [My Birthday] Is Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ope

“Please don’t do this,” Violet begged, trying to get rid of the tears that were dripping down her cheeks, “Please don’t do this to him!”  
“Violet, be careful,” Isadora called out, trying to fight against the hands that held her back.  
She and Richie both were being pinned against the wall by the henchpeople. Violet was attacking, if you could call it that, trying to rip Olaf and Esme’s hands off of Jacques. And Dathan, blissfully unaware of what was happening, was standing to the side and rocking back and forth on his heels.  
“It’ll be okay, Violet,” Jacques tried to assure her, but he winced in pain as Esme’s nails dug into his shoulder, “Oh! God, fuck, you fashionable bitch, you, shit, okay, sorry, okay, Violet, sorry, I just need you to know that it’ll be okay. Whatever happens to me, our organization will look out for you, I, fuck!” He yelled again, and this time Violet saw that the heel of Esme’s shoe had dug its way into his foot, “Damn, you’re so good at that! What the fuck? This wasn’t part of our-”  
He stopped talking, tears running down his cheeks as he looked at the expression on Violet’s face. And Violet, she was shaking, desperately trying to peel Esme off of him, “Let him go, let him go! Please, he hasn’t done anything.”  
“Hasn’t done anything?” Olaf released his hold on Jacques Snicket, well aware that the man wouldn’t be going anywhere, “Believe me, my dear, there is _no such thing_ as an innocent Snicket.”__  
Esme seemed pleased to hear that, smiling at Olaf and turning back to Violet, “No, there really is no such thing. And no innocent Baudelaires, either. Yet, here we are, and all of you think that you’re the most innocent people alive.”  
“It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird,” Dathan muttered, still looking altogether unaware of what was happening.  
They all turned to him, confused, “What the hell is he talking about?” Esme snapped.  
“They sing,” Dathan nodded to himself, clearly out of it, “I’ve heard them. Li, Lilac starts and then they’ll all join in. Mockingbirds.”  
Jacques smiled, looking at the blonde boy softly, “You’re a Spats, aren’t you?”  
Dathan didn’t seem to realize the question was directed at him, and was muttering about mockingbirds, but Richie nodded back to Jacques, “Yes, we’re Spats. He’s talking about a book our cousins used to read us as a bedtime story. Dathan,” Richie laughed, but he couldn’t hide the sadness on his face, “Dathan, do you remember when that school librarian told us that we should read it, and Carm got so mad about the assumption we’d never read it that she brought that dead mockingbird to the library? She didn’t kill it, remember, just said she did, but the librarian was so scared. And then we had the funeral for it, do you remember that? Do you remember the flowers from your garden that we used for it?”  
He was looking at his brother expectantly, but Dathan was just bobbing his head, “It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”  
“I met your cousin once or twice,” Jacques broke the desperate quiet that had filled the room, “She was brilliant. I’m so sorry that-”  
“It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird!” Dathan shouted suddenly, and tears were streaming down his face, his fiery eyes flashing, “If it’s a sin to kill them it must be a sin to hurt them. It’s a sin to hurt a mockingbird too, and you, you,” He wheeled around to face Olaf, “You hurt them!”  
He burst forward in an explosion of anger, fists clenched, he swung hard at Olaf.  
But he was too slow.  
Olaf grabbed the boy’s arm, twisting it hard, and chuckled a bit, “It seems that you’re waking up a bit. Perhaps Esme here should get you another drink.”  
“Don’t touch him!” Violet spun away from Esme and Jacques and rushed forward to Dathan, trying to pull him away from Olaf, “Whatever the fuck you’ve been doing, don’t do it! Leave him alone, you don’t need a Spats anyway, so leave him alone!”  
Violet’s wish was granted as Olaf released Dathan, making the boy drop to the ground, but she fell herself as the back of the Count’s hand came into hard contact with her cheek.  
Jacques looked appalled, rushing forward and grabbing Olaf around the wrists, “No! Olaf, you can’t do this. You’re better than this, I know you are. Don’t you remember when we were young? We put out so many fires, in this very town, we’d spend time in this very jail, we-”  
“I remember,” Olaf whispered, and his face softened almost imperceptibly, “Believe me, Jacques Snicket, I remember it all. And because I remember _all_ of it, I can assure you that I am not better than this,” He paused, picking up an extraordinarily large book that was nearby, swinging it onto Jacques’s head and knocking him out, “And I can assure that you aren’t either.” __  
“No!” Violet shrieked, lunging at Olaf, “No, you sick motherfucker, no!”  
She dissolved into screams, ear shattering screams, piercing the air like knives, as Esme held Dathan still and tipped a cup into his mouth, the boy calming down almost immediately.  
“Uh, boss?” The bald man glanced nervously at Violet, and then at the window, “The sun is coming up, I think.”  
“The villagers will be getting up soon,” The two white faced women said together.  
“Oh fuck,” Olaf rolled his eyes, turning to Violet, “You have to shut up, darling.”  
Dathan had managed to drag himself to his feet, and he took a few sleepy steps towards Olaf, “Don’t call her darling,” And then he promptly fell to the ground again.  
Violet’s shrieks had not waned, and Esme moved closer, “Don’t worry, I know just how to get the ugly girl to shut up.”  
Olaf shrugged, nodding to Esme to do whatever she needed, and Esme wrapped her hand around Violet’s chin and held it in place, lifting a rather large and wicked needle. It pierced just a little below the young girl’s chin, and suddenly her screams were silenced, her mouth working as though she were trying to speak but no noise coming out.  
“What did you do to her?” Richie demanded, resting a hand on Isadora’s elbow to try and calm her sobs as they watched Violet’s eyes roll back in her head, as they watched her collapse to the floor.  
“Oh, just inserted a little bit of acid into her vocal cords to shut her up. She won’t be speaking, much less screaming, for a little while,” Esme had a wickedly gleeful smile on her face as she spun the syringe in her hand, nudging Violet with her foot, “She should wake up soon. It’s just a bit of a shock when it happens, of course, but she’ll be fine. Or she’ll die, if the concoction is a bit stronger than I intended, and honestly, it’s a win either way.”  
Looking mildly impressed, Olaf nodded, “What an excellent job, darling. Now let’s get these children put up, take care of the Snicket boy here, and get ready for a show.”

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

__ __ __ _“Count Olaf has been murdered,” Officer Luciana announced to the entire Village of Fowl Devotees.  
The nine Baudelaires who were now, ironically, six Baudelaires again, gasped as Jacques Snicket’s body was covered with a sheet and wheeled away on a gurney.  
“Don’t worry,” Avery whispered to the others, “We’ll bring Olaf to justice. They’ll believe us.” _

_ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _

__ __ __ _“Well,” Avery was sitting on the floor of the jail cell that the six children had been locked in, “They didn’t believe us.”_  
“They did not,” Veruca nodded from where she was laying under the small bench.  
“So we fixed Hector’s hot air mobile home and built the device to break Jacques out of jail for nothing.”  
“We did,” Lilac said from the corner that she was staring into, fiddling with her ribbon.  
“Count Olaf dressed as a detective named Dupin and accused us of being accomplices in the death of Jacques/Olaf, and said that Sunny murdered him by biting him to death.”  
“Realistic,” Sunny agreed, which meant _Yes, that was the accusation_.__  
“And then they locked all six of us in a tiny jail cell.”  
“That’s where we are right now, yes,” Klaus was pacing around said tiny jail cell, but he paused to snap that at Avery.  
“We’re going to be burned at the stake after dinner for crimes we didn’t commit.”  
“Yep,” Soli was letting Babbit hop around, having decided that they couldn’t get in worse trouble than they were already in.  
“Well,” Avery said again, looking around, “This really sucks.”  
The other five children looked at each other, looked at him, and nodded, “Yeah, it really does.”  
And the children sat on the ground together, and cried. 

_ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ _The six Baudelaires who weren’t quite the six Baudelaires cried for several hours, and when they finally stopped, they simply stared at each other in misery for another hour or so._  
“Well,” Avery said once again, finally, “What do we have? What pieces of equipment can we use?”  
He and Lilac both tied their hair up with their ribbons, and Lilac looked around carefully, “We have a bench… and we have a noose.”  
“That could be useful,” Veruca muttered.  
Klaus frowned, “Why do we have a noose?”  
“That’s what makes it a deluxe cell,” A familiar voice filled the air from behind them, and they turned to see Olaf standing at the bars of the cell sneering at them, “Your noose comes premade.”  
“Get out of here, you simple bitch,” Avery snapped.  
“You’re a horrible bastard,” Lilac agreed.  
“Fuck you!” Sunny nodded, and Soli flipped him off, and even Babbit chirped a swear in frog language.  
Count Olaf smiled widely, “Well, children, that’s no way to talk to a famous detective.”  
“You are _not_ a famous detective,” Klaus growled, jumping towards the cell door and reaching through the bars to try and hit Olaf, “You’re just a dreadful person.”__  
“It’s interesting that you and your boyfriend both do that,” Olaf chuckled, “Or I should say used to do. He isn’t swinging much anymore, I’m afraid.”  
Klaus froze and Avery rushed to the bars next to him, and then both boys were trying desperately to grab onto some part of Olaf and do something, anything to hurt him, both yelling, “What did you do to him? What the hell did you do to him? What did you do to all of them?”  
“It’s so strange that you all seem to believe you can talk to me like this. After all, I’m a famous detective, and you’re just a murderess and her five accomplices, set to burn at the stake tonight,” Olaf looked delighted at the idea of this, glancing at them over his large sunglasses.  
“We’re not going to die,” Lilac said, “Your treachery will land you in this cell soon enough.”  
“Well, we _are_ going to die,” Veruca corrected, shrugging as the others turned to stare at her in disbelief, “I mean, I’m not saying I wanna get burned at the stake! We’ll find a way out of that. But eventually we’re going to die, just like everyone else.”__  
“True,” Sunny agreed.  
“But not helpful,” Soli added.  
“Baudelaires?” Another voice spoke, and they all turned to see Hector enter the jail.  
Olaf straightened up immediately, snapping twice and pulling a tray of bread and water off the table next to him, “Well, since the law is pretty cool, I figured I’d follow that groovy law and give you prisoners the bread and water the law says you’re entitled to.”  
“Thank you Detective Dupin,” Veruca said, her voice dripping with sarcastic sweetness, “Could you get us just one more thing?”  
Looking surprised, Olaf shrugged, “What do you want?”  
“Something sharp,” Veruca smiled widely, “That we can use to cut off your-”  
“I’d like a word with the prisoners, if that’s alright with you Detective,” Hector said quickly, cutting her off.  
Not quite scared, but clearly unsettled, Olaf nodded, “Oh, I was just leaving. See you tonight when it’s time to burn you at the stake, criminal children.”  
He left, ignoring the curses that the kids were spewing at him, and Hector cleared his throat uncomfortably, “Hello, Baudelaires. How are you?”  
“Bad,” Soli said simply.  
The others nodded, but Lilac smiled, “Wait, Hector, you can get us out of here! Just tell the Council that we were with you last night.”  
Hector turned pale just thinking about it, “Oh no, I could never tell the Council Of Elders that, it’d be far too scary. I’m sorry Baudelaires, I truly wish there was more I could do for you. But I want you all to know that I’m leaving tonight at dinner time in the self sustaining hot air mobile home. If you can escape by then, I want you children to come with me. You’ll finally be safe.”  
The children looked at each other incredulously, but Klaus sighed, “Thank you, Hector. We’ll try.”  
“Oh, and one last thing,” Hector reached into his pockets, “I found two more couplets. Maybe they’ll help.”  
Sunny reached out and took them, and the children nodded to Hector as he gave them a sad smile and walked away.  
“_ The first thing you read contains our clue, An initial way to speak to you, _” Klaus read the first and then took the second from Sunny to read, “_ Inside the letters the eye will see, Nearby are your loved ones and VFD. _” ____  
“God, I’m so tired of how cryptic this is,” Veruca sighed, “I wish they’d just tell us… Klaus? Are you okay?”  
Klaus was not okay.  
He had frozen completely, had dropped the paper slip in his hand, and was now staring at the wall.  
The others jumped up, rushing over to him, “Klaus? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”  
“S-Sorry,” Klaus cleared his throat, “Sorry, I just… I just realized that today is our birthday.”  
Lilac felt her body sag down slowly, her hands covering her mouth and a silent sob wracking her body, “Oh my god. Oh my god, Klaus, we forgot. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe that I forgot!”  
Klaus shook his head, “Don’t be sorry. I only just remembered because of the bread,” He turned to Avery and Veruca to explain, “Last year our… our parents tried to make us bread pudding, but it was inedible. Nick and Soli and Sunny threw it at the one and it just bounced right off.”  
The others all opened their mouths to speak, but they were cut off as they heard a voice say, “... Made this absolutely _horrible_ bread pudding, I mean truly disgusting. The little ones and I threw it against the wall.”__  
Klaus took in a sharp breath, speaking softly and incredulously, “Nick?” 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _“Wow, I didn’t realize that was today’s date,” Nick folded the newspaper he had picked up, The Daily Punctilio, from the VFD newsstand, “It’s my birthday. I mean, our birthday, I guess. Klaus’s and mine.”_  
“I didn’t know that,” Duncan Quagmire replied, and the three Spats who were with them shook their heads.  
“You should’ve told us,” Angelica said, “Could’ve baked you a cake.  
Nick had been prone to crying lately, and hardly ever slept, and indeed he was wiping tears off of the bags under his eyes as he laughed at that, “How? We haven’t exactly had access to an oven.”  
This was true.  
When news of Nick and Violet’s kidnapping had made its way to Prufrock Prep, the four Spats-Or rather three Spats, and their honorary brother Duncan-had decided that they could leave their friends alone no longer. They ran away that night, and had followed the trail of the Baudelaires to 667 Dark Avenue, where they stayed for a few days and met up with Nick.  
Nick had escaped from Count Olaf’s clutches with the belief that the other three captives were close behind him, but four hours later when they still hadn’t found each other, he knew that they were hostages once more. He had wandered his way back to 667 Dark Avenue, hoping to find the main group of his siblings as well as the three Spats with them, but had instead found the school Spats there and looking for him.  
Once they had found each other, the five continued on their journey and travelled to the Village of Fowl Devotees, desperately looking for their siblings, who they had now read were soon to be burned at the stake for murder.  
So no, in the cold nights sleeping huddled in dust and hot days searching for food on the side of the road as they walked, they certainly had not had access to an oven or pans or anything necessary for one to bake a cake.  
“Well,” Lilith shifted on her heels, thinking, “Is there anything you want? I’m sure we could find something.”  
The children were walking near the large jail building, having figured out that they needed to walk behind it because Count Olaf was standing in front in some ridiculous disguise.  
“All I want is my siblings back,” Nick said simply.  
“You should want _way_ more than that! For my birthday last year I got…” Carmelita trailed off, looking at the boy for a moment, “Well, I guess none of what I got was quite as good as getting your siblings back. But we’ll find them, don’t worry. We’ll find all of them and then you’ll have to give us a tip for being the best present givers in the whole wide world!”__  
Nick almost cracked a smile at that, rolling his eyes at her, “Sometimes it’s the worst presents that make the most fun, actually. Last year was a fiasco, and our parents promised us that this year would be way better,” He shook his head, slinging his arms around Duncan and Lilith’s shoulders as he spoke, “Of course, when they said this year would be better, they probably didn’t think that they would be dead, Klaus would be locked in jail for murder, and I would be…” He trailed off and then cleared his throat, “Anyway. They tried their best last year, they really did, but it was a fiasco from the start. They made this absolutely _horrible_ bread pudding, I mean truly disgusting. The little ones and I threw it against the wall.”  
And as the others with him chuckled, Nick leaning against the outer wall of the jail that they had come to be standing next to, they heard a very faint, disbelieving voice, “Nick?”  
They children stated in shock at the wall of the jail, Nick pushing himself against it and getting as close as possible as he frantically, excitedly asked, “Klaus?”__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ope


	24. Missing Home, Literally, Because It’s Like Twenty Feet Above Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New character in this chapter, although I’ll bet that it’s not who you would expect  
Sorry this took so long to come out, I’ve been ultra stressed and busy and overwhelmed and unmotivated lately, but I think the worst of it is over, (knock on wood) and I’m hoping to get a bit more regular with posting soon.  
Hope y’all like it!!

“Nick!” Klaus cried out, his fists pounding the wall.  
Nick knocked back on the wall, “Klaus!”  
Soli threw herself against the wall next to Klaus, shrieking out, “Nick! Nick! Nick, where are you? Nick!”  
“Soli?” Nick asked, almost vibrating with excitement, “I’m right here, Soli! I’m just outside the wall, I’m right here, oh god, I missed you kiddo.”  
“Why out there?” Soli demanded, beginning to let her body shake with happy sobs, “Wanna see you! Please?”  
“Of course, of course, don’t worry! We’ll be with you as soon as we can, I promise,” Nick cried out in delight.  
Lilac moved forward, “Nick! Oh god, I’m so glad you’re safe. You said we, is Violet out there with you?”  
“And Dathan?” Avery was grinning, “Is he out there? Isadora, too? And Richie?”  
There was no response, just a strange noise, and it took the children on the inside of the jail a minute to realize that Nick was crying.  
“Nick?” Solitude asked, hesitating, and she nuzzled against Avery as he lifted her into his arms, “Nick? You okay?”  
“He’s okay,” A soft voice murmured, although the crying continued, and as the voice got more brash they tried to decide who it was, “I mean, he’s _just_ okay, he’s not great and amazing and absolutely wonderful like me, but still.”__  
“Carmelita?” The jailed kids asked in unison, turning to each other in shock.  
The redhead was grinning to her sisters, including Duncan, “They recognize my voice because they know I’m the most specialest little girl in the whole wide world!”  
“Well that was grammatically incoherent, so it’s definitely Carmelita,” Klaus snorted.  
Veruca frowned, “But how is Carm here?”  
“It’s not just Carm,” Lilith called.  
Turning bright red, Lilac started, “Lilith? You’re, uh, you’re here too?”  
Lilith was smiling at that, but Angelica cut her off before she could respond, “Of course Lilith is here. And I’m here too! Do any of you have food you can somehow get to us? I haven’t eaten in like a whole thirty minutes.”  
“Duncan is here too,” Carmelita said, rolling her eyes at her younger sister, “And shut up, Ange, we’re all hungry. Duncan, say something to give those cakesniffers proof of life.”  
Chuckling, Duncan put a hand on her shoulder, “You make it sound like I’m a hostage, Carm.”  
“Who says you aren’t?” The redhead gave a quiet giggle as she bumped him with her hip.  
“Duncan?” Klaus asked, soft and a little nervous, “You’re actually, I mean, um, Duncan?”  
“Hey Klaus. Happy birthday,” Duncan leaned his face against the bricks of the jail wall and smiled.  
“Wait,” Avery shook his head a little, “This is great and all, it really is, but how are you guys and Nick here? I mean, obviously Olaf still has the others, but what happened to bring you five together?”  
The runaway children exchanged glances, Nick finally sighing, “We’ll explain later.”  
“Okay,” Lilac took a deep breath, “Now, we have a series of couplets from Isadora that we’re pretty sure are a coded way to tell us where they are, and we’re trying to figure out how to use these items to break out of jail.”  
“We can help with that,” Duncan said cheerily, just as Lilith asked, “Wait, where’s Richie? He’s never this quiet.”  
The jailed children exchanged glances as well, and it was Avery who sighed, “He’s, uh, he’s with Olaf.”  
“What?” Nick snapped, trying hard to ignore how fast his heart was beating, “What the hell do you mean he’s with Olaf?”  
“He ran off to go find you,” Klaus explained, his eyes shut tight, “He said it was his fault you were taken and he, well, he thought he could make a trade. You never came back, but we figured that Olaf had just tricked him, we didn’t expect you to be here.”  
All of them were silent for a moment, reflecting on everything they had learned, and then they shook their heads and got to work.  
“Read us Isadora’s couplets,” Angelica requested.  
Nick nodded, “That’s a good idea, maybe we can help you guys figure out the clues.”  
Looking a little guilty, Angelica laughed, “Oh, I didn’t think of that.”  
“Make sure to read them in order, Baudeboy,” Avery snorted, “And Ange, if you could try to go a whole thirty seconds without being a gay mess, that would be great. Now listen closely, see if you agree with my church theory.”  
“They’re not hidden in a baptismal fount you dumbass,” Klaus snapped.  
Avery rolled his eyes, “You don’t know that!”  
“Just read the stupid poems,” Carmelita groaned, “I mean, they’re probably not stupid, because Isadora is stupidly smart, just like Klaus the Baudeboy is, but they’re stupid because this argument is stupid and-”  
Turning bright red, although he wasn’t quite sure why, Klaus interrupted, “I’ll just, uh, I’ll just read them all in order. So, yeah, uh, _ For stupid shit we’re held in here, Only you can end our fear, Until dawn comes we cannot speak, No words can come from this sad beak, The first thing you read contains our clue, An initial way to speak to you, Inside the letters the eye will see, Nearby are your loved ones and VFD, _ which is pretty cryptic. Avery had the theory when the first two came that the letters would spell out fount, like the thing Christian people get baptized in, but there are too many letters for that, and we haven’t seen a church around here anyway. We think that they’re getting delivered by crows, and that they must be somewhere uptown, because until dawn comes they cannot speak, and the crows roost uptown in the mornings.”__  
“I think if we tie the bench to the noose, we can swing it against the wall like a battering ram and break through,” Lilac said, tying her hair up and scrunching her nose as she thought.  
“Bread,” Soli added, which meant, _ And we have a loaf of bread, which Angelica can have when we break through. It’s too hard for any of us to chew on and is in fact kind of ridiculous, but you seem like you need it _ which was indeed a very kind concept, although she was right that the bread was nearly inedible.__  
Frowning, Nick knocked against the wall, “Klaus, are you going to hurt me if I tell you that I think Avery might be right?”  
“Can Klaus hurt you?” Veruca asked, laying down on the floor of the cell and closing her eyes.  
“Good point,” Nick nodded, “Klaus, I’m not particularly scared of you, and considering you’re the least sporty of all of us I’m willing to bet that it won’t be an issue, so, I think Avery is right.”  
“Yes!” Avery cheered, “Let’s go to church!”  
“We’re Jewish, dumbass,” Angelica snapped.  
Lilith put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down, and Carmelita grinned, “Unrelated to the poems, but if we’re breaking you guys out of jail by bashing the walls, maybe I can help. I’ve got my tap shoes, I can hit from this side, and-”  
“That’s a great idea,” Lilac agreed, “We’ll tap twice on the wall where want to hit and you can start hitting while we tie the bench up. Nick, explain what you mean about Avery being right before Klaus has an aneurysm.”  
Nick nodded, “Okay, Klaus, I don’t think it’s a fount that the poems are talking about. That’s stupid. But she says in the poem that the first thing read contains the clue, and says it’s an _initial_ way to speak to us. She’s saying that the first letter of each line will spell it out. And what do they spell?” __  
It was Avery who was the first to gasp, “Fountain!”  
“Oh my god,” Klaus breathed, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that! They’re…”  
“They’re in Fowl Fountain,” Lilac was almost starting to cry, “They’re in Fowl Fountain! They’ve been under our noses this whole time, and now, now we’ll get them back.”  
“Well get them,” Nick promised, “We’ll go right now, if you want, and we can meet you here with them. Or we’ll stay. It’s up to you guys.”  
“Go, go!” Lilac sobbed, “Go get them safe from the fountain for us while we knock our way out of here.”  
Carmelita nodded to her companions, “Go get them. I can already feel the wall crumbling, we’ll be with you guys sooner than you’d expect.”

__

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _When the runaway children had tugged the beak of the bird statue at Fowl Fountain and watched their missing siblings and friends come falling out, they weren’t quite sure what to expect._  
And when the children trapped in the fountain came tumbling out, they knew exactly what to expect, it just didn’t come true.  
The fountain children thought, of course, that it would be Olaf and his henchpeople.  
When they saw who it really was, however, the four fountain children collapsed onto each other with sobs.  
“This can’t be real,” Isadora muttered, afraid to believe this could be anything more than a mirage, “They’re not really there, are they? God, I want it to be real.”  
“It’s real, Isa,” Duncan took a step closer to her, wiping the tears from his eyes, “We’re here. I’m here. We’ve got you guys, and you’re not ever going to be in Olaf’s clutches again, okay? I promise.”  
Dathan was the first of the fountain children to straighten up, as he wasn’t entirely aware of what was going on anyway, and he stepped to his siblings carefully, “Hi,” He said, speaking slowly and carefully, trying to think of why everyone was so very happy, “I… missed you. I missed all of you very much. The light might not die now.”  
And then he promptly turned away from them and started walking towards the jail, whispering to himself about raging and mockingbirds and tall poppies and everything else that popped into his brain.  
Richie stepped forward, shaking his head a little, “It’s okay guys, he’ll be fine. He’s just, uh, well, I’ll explain in a minute. I guess we’ve gotta explain Violet too. But he won’t go far, don’t be too concerned.” 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _As the wall to the VFD jail crumbled open, the Baudelaires rushed out, nearly shaking with glee, and pulled Carmelita into a hug._  
“Okay, okay, yes, I’m glad you’re safe, but don’t get too excited, cakesniffers, we still have to get out of here,” Carmelita giggled.  
“Klaus?” A bleary voice asked, and they looked up to see the raggedy blonde head of Dathan Spats, staring with wide eyes.  
“Dathan?” Klaus spoke quietly, as though afraid the boy wasn’t really there.  
The two stepped towards each other, slow but urgent, and they raised their hands to reach out to one another, their palms just barely beginning to graze when they were interrupted.  
“Klaus!” Nick shouted, and they all turned to see that the runaways and the fountain children had made their way back to the jail, and Klaus’s twin was sweeping him into a hug.  
“Dathan!” Avery was gleeful too, leaping forward and almost tackling his triplet.  
All fifteen children exchanged looks and then fell into a giant group hug, overwhelmed with joy.  
And then they heard the voices of the mob of VFD citizens making their way towards the jail, getting ready to burn them at the stake.  
“Ah fuck,” Avery rolled his eyes, “I’d nearly forgotten about us getting burned at the stake.”  
“Why are you guys going to get burned at the stake?” Isadora demanded.  
“We’ll tell you later,” Lilac answered quickly, and then glanced at her sister, “Why isn’t Violet talking?”  
Richie shook his head, “We’ll tell you later. Now, uh, do you guys think we could get out of here?”  
They all nodded, Klaus explaining quickly about the self sustaining hot air mobile home. When they saw the old fire truck that was still in city limits, they quickly decided that they would steal it and drive it until they reached the mobile home, hoping to climb the ladder so they could reach Hector’s contraption.  
“We’re gonna have to climb the fence,” Duncan thought aloud.  
Dathan was behind the majority of the group, along with Violet and Nick, who was being clung to quite desperately by Soli. Dathan was watching Klaus and Duncan, who were not quite holding hands but had their pinkies wrapped around each other, and the Spats boy tried to ignore the sour pit in his stomach.  
It was strange, he thought to himself, his mind a bit muddled and slow, but working well enough, strange that he didn’t feel angry at all. He was always angry, everything constantly on the verge of making him explode, but as he looked on at the two boys, all he felt was an aching, lonely sadness that seeped through his whole body.  
Or perhaps that was the drugs he had ingested in the last eight hours.  
It was hard to tell.  
Still, he broke away from the others and surged forward, faster than he’d expected to be able to move, and placed a hand on Duncan’s shoulder.  
Duncan whipped around, looking distantly frightened, but he softened after a moment, “Yeah?”  
Biting down, hard, on the inside of his cheek, Dathan removed his hand from the boy’s shoulder and held it out, “I’m, um, I’m sorry. I mean,” He struggled to find his words, “I mean I’m sorry I hit you. You were a mockingbird too, and I shouldn’t have done that. But he would’ve done worse, and you’d still be a mockingbird, so I’m not sorry I stopped you. Just sorry I made you hurt,” The blonde boy cleared his throat carefully, still trying his hardest to articulate, “His arms love you, and his ears adore you, and you deserve that. Just remember not to love your servitude. There’s more than that in store for you, and there’s still one muffin left.”  
The children all stared, the six other Spats beginning to cry as they realized what their brother was saying, what he was talking about.  
But Duncan, although he was confused and concerned, never wavered and held his gaze firmly on Dathan’s face as he untangled his fingers from Klaus’s and shook the blonde boy’s hand.  
They were broken apart as they heard the shouts of the VFD citizens, led by Count Olaf, screaming out, “Burn the orphans! Burn the orphans! Burn the orphans!”  
“Fuck,” Lilac snapped, and they turned to see the desperation in her eyes, “Where’s Sunny?”  
“I don’t know,” Veruca looked around in a panic, “But we have to hide! They’re almost here.”  
“No, we have to find Sunny!” Lilac’s voice shook as she looked for her sister.  
Luckily, it didn’t take long to find the baby, for just then, the fire truck came crashing through the fence that they were next to, Sunny at the wheel, shouting, “Get in!” Which meant, _Get in!_  
They all looked at each other, but then Soli tugged Nick onto the truck, and of course Avery had great faith in anything that Solitude decided on and tugged Richie and Dathan along with him, who tugged Violet, who brought Isadora, who brought Angelica and Carmelita, who brought Duncan, who brought Klaus and Lilith, who brought Lilac.  
As soon as they had all climbed on, Sunny slammed the gas and they whooshed forward.  
Hector’s mobile home happened by just about then, and just as they stopped the truck and raised the ladder he dropped his own rope ladder down to them.  
“Quagmires first,” Richie announced, holding a violently shaking Dathan tightly around the shoulders and trying to soothe him, “Get ready to climb fast. Soli, hold on tight to Babbit.”  
“We can’t go first,” Isadora protested, but even as she did they were already pushing her onto the ladder. With a quiet sigh she nodded, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to Dathan’s hairline, “That’s a preamble. If you make it up safely I’ll get someone to finally make out with you, okay? Be careful, angry boy.”  
And she climbed.  
Duncan hesitated on the first few steps as well, turning to look at Klaus, “Are you sure?”  
“Of course,” Klaus nodded, and he chuckled, “You’re the same height as me.”  
Nodding thoughtfully, Duncan leaned forward, “That means that I can do this.”  
With that, his lips made contact with Klaus’s, quick and gentle and frightened, and then the Quagmire triplet turned and climbed up the ladder with a blush on his cheeks.  
Lilac and Veruca were standing at the back of the truck and distracting the angry mob that had caught up with them. The two girls were threatening them with the fire hose, although they knew it didn’t work, as the rest of the children began ushering people up the ladder.  
Richie was protesting, “I can’t go first! I have to stay and help Dathan.”  
Shaking her head, Violet pushed him up the ladder and wrapped her own arm around the blonde boy, sending Lilith up after her triplet.  
The rest were standing in line, getting ready to start climbing, as they suddenly heard a shout and watched a harpoon go flying through the air, hitting squarely one of the balloons of the hot air mobile home.  
“Damn,” They heard, and turned back to see that Esme, still disguised as Officer Luciana, was holding a harpoon gun, “I missed the delinquents. It’s okay, I’ve got plenty more!”  
“No!” Angelica shouted, watching as Duncan almost slipped off the ladder, “Don’t! You’ll kill them!”  
“Who cares?” One of the Elders called back, “You’re all criminals!”  
“Okboomer,” Sunny reprimanded. _You don’t even have all the facts of this case_  
The Village people, however, did not care about the facts of the case, and they cheered as another harpoon went flying through the air.  
As it flew, several things happened at once.  
As it flew, Lilac called out, “If they pop too many balloons, they mobile home will collapse!”  
As it flew, the Quagmires reached the top of the ladder and climbed into the hot air mobile home.  
As it flew, the children in the truck realized that their only hope was to let the home go, to let their friends be safe.  
As it flew, Nick was the one to tell Hector, “Fly higher! We’ll figure things out!”  
As it flew, headed straight towards a very important looking balloon, Lilith Spats took a great leap off the rope ladder and spun, intercepting the harpoon so gracefully it would’ve been beautiful, had it not been so mind numbingly horrible.  
And as she fell, Richie Spats gave a great and bellowing shout and managed to grab her by the wrist, sliding down the length of the rope ladder and back to the truck, managing to land first as the two triplets tumbled down together, cushioning his sister’s impact ever so slightly.  
And as Sunny jumped back to the driver’s seat, Soli moving below her to work the gas and brakes, the thirteen desperately unlucky children allowed themselves to begin crying, and through their tears, they watched the Village of Fowl Devotees disappear. 

__

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _They had been driving for a while, how long they weren’t quite sure.  
Lilith was unconscious in the back, occasionally shivering with pain, Lilac sitting steadily next to her and holding her hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _They had determined very quickly that Lilith was the one more gravely hurt, and they tried to apply pressure to the wound as well as they could, although they knew it wouldn’t do much. Lilith was talking, quieter than usual, but had insisted that Lilac should hold her hand._  
“It’ll make me heal faster,” She explained.  
Lilac was shaking with desperation, “I’ll do whatever you need me to.”  
“Can you kiss it better?” Lilith giggled softly, breaking into a wheezy cough.  
“How are you still flirting?” Lilac demanded, although she couldn’t contain the little chuckle that came from her as well, “Where does it hurt the most?”  
“Right here,” Whispering now, Lilith raised a finger and tapped it to her lips, struggling to raise her head closer to Lilac’s.  
The eldest Baudelaire was trying not to do anything she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t stop the magnetic pull between the two of them as she leaned closer, soothing the Spats girl. “Please?” Lilith asked, her voice shaky.  
When their lips were but a hair’s breadth apart, Lilith’s eyes rolled back in her head, and she went limp.  
Lilac swallowed thickly, and ducked her head down for just a moment, brushing against the other girl softly, “Of course.”  
And then Lilac moved so that Lilith’s head was rested in her lap, one hand still holding hers and the other stroking through her black curls. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _There were a few old boxes in the back of the truck which the children flipped through curiously, those who were still able to feel curiosity._  
Angelica opened one such box and started to scream as she saw something move inside, but the scream never came, for before it could the creature had leapt into her open mouth.  
I must take a moment now to inform the reader that each of the Spats children, excluding Carmelita, were allergic to cats. It wasn’t a particularly dangerous allergy, usually only causing sneezes in some and wheezing in others and rashes in a couple more, and could be remedied if they took the correct medication, but they did not have the correct medication with them, as they were not expecting to encounter any cats.  
Now, if one is allergic to something, it is usually not a good idea to put that thing in one’s mouth, particularly if that thing is cats.  
Angelica Spats, of course, did not do this on purpose, but the notoriously fast acting symptoms of the Spats allergies came about, and she sneezed the cat right out of her mouth.  
“What the fuck?” Klaus snapped, stirring from where his head had lolled against Violet’s shoulder.  
The cat, or really the kitten, had landed in his lap, and in spite of the saliva that was on the top of the kitten’s head, it was really quite cute.  
She was very small, and very fluffy, with large reddish orange splotches of fur along her otherwise white coat.  
Violet cooed quietly, a strange sort of trilling noise, as she reached out and stroked the cat’s back, and the tiny creature turned to look at her with its wide and strangely intelligent amber eyes.  
“She’s saying she wants to keep it,” Carmelita, who had determined herself Violet’s interpreter, declared, “And I agree.”  
“In case you had forgotten,” Angelica snapped, sneezing again, “The rest of us are allergic to cats.”  
Veruca shrugged, scratching the rash that had started to form on her skin, “Yeah, but this thing is a cute little bastard. I say we keep it anyway.”  
“We should all keep it,” Nick agreed, soft, “A group mascot.”  
“What’ll we name it?” Avery asked, reaching forward to pet the kitten, ignoring the little wheeze in his voice.  
They all paused in thought, turning to Dathan as he smiled, “Peppermint.”  
The Baudelaires exchanged looks, but when they saw how the kitten had begun to purr as soon as she heard that, they nodded along with the Spats, all of them agreeing, “Peppermint.” 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _Richie had taken the place of Sunny and Solitude in the driver’s seat, having insisted that he could drive the best of the older kids._  
Which was, admittedly, true, but was also him deflecting the fact that he felt like an utter failure.  
The Baudelaires were scared, they’d been separated from the Quagmires, who were their actual friends in the first place.  
He was painfully aware of this fact, painfully aware that the Baudelaires had hated the Spats while at school, painfully aware that most of them probably still did.  
His sister was hurt, his hands and legs had been rubbed completely raw with rope burn, Violet couldn’t speak, Dathan was drugged, everyone was in some type of pain, whether it be physical or emotional or both.  
He’d always wanted so badly to be a hero, to save someone, but he hadn’t been able to save any of them.  
Solitude and Sunny stayed in the front with him, moving to the passenger seat and doing their best to cheer him up.  
He smiled as they banged on the horn of the truck, as they’d been doing for quite some time. They’d hit it hard, one right after another in a little double hit rhythm, cheering together as they went, “Beep Beep Richie! Beep Beep! Richie! Come on, Beep Beep Richie!”  
Occasionally he’d hit the horn himself, saying “Beep Beep!” Back to the little girls and listening intently as they would erupt into fits of giggles.  
“I’m okay girls, really, I’m gonna be fine. Thank you,” Richie paused and frowned, turning to call to the rest of the family behind him, “Hey guys, I think we’re running low on gas.”  
“I think we came through here on the way to the village,” Carmelita called back to him, turning to the others for confirmation.  
Nick nodded, “She’s right, loathe as I am to say it. There’s a general store coming up soon, I’ll let you know when you need to turn, and I think you can get gas there.  
Nodding as well, Richie pointed their truck towards the general store, hoping that this wouldn’t be the last chance the kids had at safety. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should’ve been studying for finals but I wrote this instead so I just want it on the record that if and when I fail my finals this week, I blame the entirety of the ASOUE fandom for it 
> 
> Anyway
> 
> Enjoy and stuff 
> 
> Sorry I’m erratic with my posting and also just with my general existence  
I’ve just got a lot going on

Driving can be a beautiful thing, in the right situations.  
Peaceful.  
It is not peaceful, however, when those driving are thirteen unstable children, especially when several of those children were injured or drugged, and all of the children were incredibly traumatized, as well as being overall annoyed.  
“Journeys end in lovers meeting,” Dathan Spats said quietly, eyes closed tight.  
“Shut the fuck up, Shirley,” Veruca snapped.  
Lilith, who had been drifting in and out of consciousness, giggled, “Surely you can’t be serious.”  
She coughed and Lilac hushed her, scolding her gently for wasting energy on making jokes as the others chuckled, Klaus saying softly, “I’m serious.”  
Nick nudged his twin, “And don’t call me Shirley.”  
Violet gave a disapproving grunt at that, although she was smiling, and Carmelita translated quickly, “She says that you’re all cakesniffing idiots,” The redhead paused and gave a quiet laugh, “But I will take a cup of stars, if that’s available.”  
The children all laughed at that as well, all but Richie, who was driving with his eyes steady and insistent on the road, and no one but Peppermint the kitten heard him whisper frightfully to himself, “Are we walking towards something we should be running from? If fear and guilt are sisters, and ignorance and want are brother and sister, where does that leave all the rest of us? I am afraid of myself, god, I am, and seeing myself clearly is more terrifying than I’d care to think about. We ought to leave this absolute reality, or we’re going to go even more mad than we already are.”  
Meowing once, Peppermint stood and stretched, laying back down with one of her paws resting against Richie’s leg, and the boy allowed himself to be calmed ever so slightly by the small, comforting touch of a creature that was filled with love.  
“Thanks, kitty cat,” Richie smiled down at the little creature, then called over his shoulder, “Hey guys, we’re coming up on that general store, so hopefully they won’t know about us all technically being fugitives. And it’s a good thing, too, because we’re just about out of-”  
He was cut off as the truck finally ran out of gas, sputtering to a stop just fifteen feet in front of the Last Chance General Store.  
“Well,” Klaus pushed his glasses up his nose, “That was good timing. Wake everyone up, guys. Avery, come on,” He nudged the blonde Spats boy who had fallen asleep on top of Dathan, who had fallen asleep on top of Klaus, “Dathan, I know that you’re awake now, wake up your brother.”  
Dathan, however, was in fact not awake.  
Although he’d spoken, the chemicals in his system made him incredibly dazed, and as quickly as he had quoted he was back to sleep.  
“Dammit, there are two blonde bitches asleep on top of me,” Klaus scowled, and after a moment he shook his head, “Or at least one blonde bitch, and Dathan.”  
“Angelica can wake them up,” Veruca said sagely, nodding her head a little, “Wake her up and she can get them up in pretty much an instant.”  
Frowning, Carmelita looked at her older sister, “Ver, how are you still awake? Normally you’d be the first one out.”  
Veruca shrugged, gesturing with her chin to the baby that was curled in her lap, “I was about to nod off, but the kid fell asleep in my lap and I was scared I would drop her. Anyway, Ange, wake up!”  
Angelica stirred as Veruca gave her a gentle kick to the side, rolling over with a groan of sleepiness, “Leave me alone.”  
“You can brutally attack Dathan and Avery,” Richie told her, having just gotten out of the car and made his way to the back of the truck, climbing on to help the others get down.  
Looking thrilled, Angelica jumped to her feet, “Oh _hell_ yeah, let’s go,” She paused, examining the situation briefly, “Why doesn’t the Baudeboy just push them off?”  
“I can’t just push them!” Klaus looked shocked by the idea, “They could get hurt. Now can you please just get them up?”  
Nick chuckled, standing slowly and trying to hold Soli so that she wouldn’t wake up too jarringly, “For the record, I would’ve pushed them.”  
Angelica had woken her triplet brothers up then, and as Avery rubbed his eyes he turned to Nick with a smile, “Hey, uh, what’re you wearing?”  
“What do you mean?” Nick looked suddenly self conscious, pulling Soli up so she covered the majority of his chest.  
“Oh my god,” Klaus breathed out slowly, finally getting to his feet and stretching just a little before bursting into laughter, “You’re wearing pink!”  
“It’s- I’m- What? No! I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nick began to blush brightly, and his face grew to be the same shade as the sweater he was wearing.  
“His sweater?” Angelica asked, not looking overly interested in the matter at hand,”Oh yeah, that’s pink.”  
Richie picked up the sleeping Sunny from Veruca’s arms so that she could stand without worry of dropping the baby, “Yeah, for sure. That’s a nice sweater, Baudelaire.”  
“It’s yours,” Nick grumbled, “So shut up about it.”  
“I know it’s mine. That’s why I complimented it,” Richie grinned, turning to Klaus, “But you have his sweater, don’t you Baudeboy?”  
Nodding, Klaus reached into his pocket, turning pale after a moment, “Oh, shit.”  
“What’s wrong?” Veruca looked up curiously, “Where is it?”  
“It was in my pocket but now I don’t- It must have fallen. We were running and I must’ve… I- God, I’m sorry,” Klaus looked ready to cry.  
Nick handed Solitude to Avery and stepped forward to hug his twin, shaking his head a little, “It’s okay. I don’t even need it, really, this one is very soft, I’m comfortable with it, I’m okay.”  
Having just woken up, Soli rubbed her eyes and then leaned out from Avery’s arms, placing her palm against Nick’s cheek, “Pretty.”  
Tearing up ever so slightly, Nick nodded and took her back into his arms, “Thanks, Soli. Not sure what you mean, totally unnecessary, but still, I guess I appreciate the sentiment.”  
Violet made a high pitched squeaky noise that they assumed was meant to be a chuckle, and Dathan said rather dreamily, “Journeys end in lovers meeting?”  
“The journey isn’t over yet, buddy,” Klaus wiped the tear that had formed in the corners of his eyes away and turned to Dathan with a smile, “You’re gonna have to wait a little longer to find a lover.”  
The others scoffed, even Sunny, who had just opened her eyes, “Gay baby.” A phrase which here means, _That sounds unrealistic,_ although she said it quietly enough to avoid much scrutiny.  
Nick took a step forward and wrapped his arm around Dathan’s shoulder, who was stumbling a little, “Don’t worry, we’ll transport you around well enough. Come on, Spats, let’s go inside.”  
Eyes glazed over, Dathan shrugged, “We’re all mad here?”  
“She’s sitting in the passenger seat,” Klaus said quickly, and when all the others turned to look at him questioningly, he shrugged as well with a soft blush, “I’m just… I thought he might be asking where the cat is.”  
“I seriously doubt that’s-” Lilac was cut off as Dathan did indeed move to the front of the truck and open the passenger seat door, petting Peppermint happily.  
Nick stood right next to him, holding the door ajar.  
The others watched, utterly unsure of themselves.  
The Baudelaires especially found themselves confused, wondering what was happening. They knew why Dathan was like this, they knew he had been drugged, but Nick and Richie were so much quieter, so much more subdued than before.  
What happened to them?  
“Come on,” Lilac said, after watching them for a few moments, “Let’s just go inside. We have to see if they have gas, and maybe wash up in the bathroom a bit.”  
Nick stiffened up, reflexively clenching his fists, and Dathan reached out to pat him gently on the face, “Don’t worry, mockingbird. Heavier on the mocking than the bird.”  
He chuckled and Nick softened just a little, nodding slowly, “Okay, Dathan, let’s go inside.”  
“Journeys end in lovers meeting?” Dathan asked, petting the cat carefully and quite clearly not wanting to leave the truck.  
Richie smiled gently, taking one of Dathan’s hands and allowing Nick to take the other, the two guiding him along, “Don’t worry, you’ll be able to spend time with your lover soon enough. Now, let’s go see what we can borrow, yeah?”  
Grunting quietly, Violet gestured, and Avery nodded, “You’re right, Violet. All of the gas is out of order. We might have to walk, guys.”  
“We can’t wander aimlessly around the desert,” Lilac sighed, leading them all into the store, “There are at least three of you in need of serious medical attention. We’re going to have to figure something out.”  
“We’ll split up,” Angelica said confidently, although her siblings could all easily tell how anxious this made her, “I’m sure there’s a telegraph machine, so Lilac, Violet, gremlins, you take care of that. Nick, Baudeboy, Richie, and I will get snacks and supplies, the rest of you hide the newspapers that will inevitably be detailing us as murderers and stand guard against anyone who might recognize us, okay?”  
“Okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was going well.  
It really was.  
The store was a maze of stuff, but the plan was going okay.  
Going okay, that is, until Olaf showed up.  
Really, it still would’ve been okay if he hadn’t seen them, but since he did, the kids were what is typically referred to as being in deep shit.  
“Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom!” Lilac hissed, all thirteen of the children shuffling to the back of the store.  
“There’s no time for a bathroom break, we have to leave!” Richie replied, chuckling a little at himself.  
Veruca smacked him on the back of the head quickly, “Shut up Richie.”  
They all stuffed themselves into the tiny bathroom, looking up to the small window.  
“I don’t know if I can climb through there,” Lilith breathed slowly, her eyes fluttering a little, and she looked at Dathan carefully, “And I don’t think he can either.”  
Everyone stopped to think about it, Klaus saying finally, “We’ll figure it out.”  
I will not describe the process it took to get all of the children out the window. I will say that it involved two of them crying, four of them getting injured, or more injured, as it were, and all but three of them stress hyperventilating.  
But that wasn’t the worst part.  
The worst was after they got out the window, and they all realized that they had no idea what to do next.  
“Look!” Veruca grinned as the children as the children made their way back to the front of the building, “There’s a van. Let’s go!”  
And indeed there was a van, pulled up just ten feet from their truck with the side door wide open.  
And emblazoned on that side door were three letters.  
**_V.F.D._**  
“Fuck,” Sunny sighed. _Well, this can’t be good._  
“Sunny!” Lilac scolded, frowning, “You’re all terrible influences.”  
They looked at each other carefully, all unsure of themselves, before running to the van and sliding in, Nick asking quickly, “Do you have room for a few more?”  
“Sure we do, brothers and sisters,” Said a bearded man with red hair, holding a guitar in hand, “Is this all of you?”  
“Yeah, it’s, _shit_,” Klaus breathed out frantically, all the children turning to see that they were in fact missing someone.  
No one left the van, that would risk not getting back in time, but they tried to combine yelling at Dathan to get to the van with convincing the people in the van not to take off without him.  
Dathan wasn’t paying attention.  
He was focused on getting Peppermint from the truck.  
Peppermint, who was scratching at the window, meowing at Dathan to come get her.  
Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that he needed to follow the sound of the voices calling for him. He knew he had to get somewhere hidden, he knew that bad people were coming, he knew he was in danger, but dammit dammit _dammit_ he wasn’t going to leave the kitten all alone.  
He clawed desperately at the door, wondering why he couldn’t get it open, why he couldn’t figure out how to maneuver his fingers on the latch.  
With a quiet, angry grunt, he drew his arm back, and punched the window, watching with wide eyes as the glass shattered open.  
Meowing again, Peppermint cowered, and Dathan felt tears of fear and fury well in his eyes as the kitten moved away from him at first, although she crawled up to him after a moment.  
She sat on his shoulder as he walked to the van, finally, swaying just a little as he went.  
Someone was singing.  
It was a voice that somehow, someway, felt familiar. It resonated through Dathan, filling him up, and he knew, somewhere deep, deep inside, that he knew that voice.  
The bearded man was sitting at the edge of the doorway, singing a little diddy to the others about something.  
And when the redheaded, bearded man turned his face towards Dathan, the boy felt so much younger than he had before, as he finally recognized, “Cousin Brandon?”  
He was in the van then, Peppermint hopping off of his shoulder and onto the ground, and the door closed, and the van took off, everyone turning as Brandon dropped his guitar, eyes wide. “Dathan? Is that… Is that you?”  
And the Seven Spats Siblings felt themselves dissolve, as they collapsed onto their long missing cousin into the greatest hugs that they could muster.  
They still weren’t safe, they knew that, but this certainly made them feel closer to safety than they had been in a long, long time.


	26. A Family Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things have been shit lately. I haven't been on discord in months, which has made me cry because I love the VFDiscord more than most other things in my life, so I'm stressed and overwhelmed because I miss them, but the reason I haven't gone on is also because I'm stressed and I'm so overwhelmed lately. Everything has just been so, so much the last few months and I haven't taken any time to be really happy in a while and it sucks. But I'm back, or at least I'm trying to be. I miss being happy. I miss writing this. I miss y'all. I haven't written in months and I've totally left you guys hanging, and I'm sorry. I love you guys all so much and I miss all of you, every reader, every ASOUE fan, every member of the VFDiscord. The chapter is short, but I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> <3 <3 <3 Y'all own my whole heart. <3 <3 <3

“Happening?” Sunny asked, eyes wide.  _ What the fuck is going on right now? _

“Shh,” Soli scolded, “Family.”  _ They’re reuniting. Give them a minute. _

The eight Spats were tangled into a giant group hug, the whole mob crying. The Baudelaires merely stared, all unsure of what to do with themselves. As the van sped away from the Last Chance General Store, the Spats finally broke away from their cousin. 

“I knew it!” Carmelita crowed, beaming, “I told you all that he was okay! I knew it!” 

Lilith nodded, patting her sister on the back, “You did know it Carm, you were right, I’m proud of-” And then she collapsed to the floor of the van. 

“Lilith!” Everyone cried, Lilac and Richie the first to rush to her and kneel down next to her.

“What’s wrong with her?” Brandon asked, eyes wide, hands fluttering towards Lilith, “Is she okay?”

Sheepishly, Richie shook his head, “Uh, no. No, she’s not.”

“She sort of got shot with a harpoon,” Lilac explained, “And, um, and then she fell pretty far.”

“I slowed it down, though,” Richie assured quickly, “And she landed on top of me.”

Brandon sighed, looking at his cousins more carefully now, at their desperate eyes and their dirty appearance, “Who else is hurt?” 

Soli sat up straighter, taking it upon herself to be the medical professional there, “Richie is.”

“I am not,” Richie frowned, looking somewhat betrayed by this, “I’m fine.”

Frowning, Sunny gave Soli a nod and crawled over to Richie, pressing a tiny hand against his shoulder, everyone watching him wince. Frowning even deeper, Richie pulled away, “It’s just rope burn. It’s nothing, I-” He paused as Sunny once again reached out to touch him, this time just barely at the crook of his knee, jerking back as he let out a howl of pain, “Okay! Okay, so I landed a little funny on my leg, too. It’s okay. It’s not that bad. Lilith’s a lot worse off than I am, not to mention Violet and Dathan.”

“What’s wrong with Dathan and Violet?” Brandon looked at the group carefully, “And which one  _ is _ Violet?”

At that, Violet made a sharp whining noise, waving her hand, and Carmelita nodded, “She says that it’s her. I’m Violet’s translator because she can’t speak.”

Violet frowned at that, but merely rolled her eyes and nodded at Brandon. Richie smiled at her gently, his eyes wide and soft, before turning back to his cousin, “She had a bit of an incident with an injection to her vocal cords. And Dathan, he was drugged. Kind of a lot. And I, I think they hurt him. Nick and Violet too. It was a bit of a fight, I think.”

“It was for you too,” Nick spoke up, arms wrapped around his knees, “We all know that Count Olaf didn’t just let you off with warnings and smiles, Richie.”

With a sharp intake of breath, Brandon turned to them, “Count Olaf?”   
“Yes!” Avery shrieked a little, quieting himself after a moment as he nodded, “Yes. Do you know him? He’s involved in this organization…” 

“Called VFD,” Veruca added, leaning lazily against the wall of the van, although they could all see the subtle sense of urgency in her eyes, “That’s why we came up to this van in the first place.”

The thirteen children were suddenly aware that they were not alone with Brandon. 

They’d known that, of course, the van held a group of people, but they hadn’t thought about it since they’d gotten in. 

But now a blonde woman with an overly wide smile was speaking, “Well, I don’t think that has anything to do with us. We’re the Volunteers Fighting Disease. I think this is the wrong VFD.”

“It’s always the wrong VFD,” Avery muttered, looking around.

“So,” Angelica examined the people in the van with them, holding large balloons and musical instruments, all scruffy and somewhat well dressed but mostly looking like colorful beatniks, “Are you guys… doctors?”

The adults in the van chuckled, and without any warning they burst into song,  “ We’re volunteers fighting disease, and we’re cheerful all day long!//If someone said that we were sad, that person would be wrong!//Ho-ho-ho, fiddle-dee-dee, hope you get well soon!//Tra-ha-ha, fiddle-dee-dee, have a heart-shaped balloon!”

“We volunteer at the hospital,” Another man explained, “But we’re not doctors! We go to Heimlich Hospital and walk around singing and giving balloons to the patients. As you surely know, laughter  _ is _ the best medicine!” 

The Baudelaires frowned, exchanging glances with each other. 

“What the fuck?” Sunny exclaimed, finally, breaking the silence, which meant,  _ That can’t possibly be right.  _

“Language,” Lilac scolded, but she looked at Brandon with a raised eyebrow, “But isn’t…  _ medicine _ …. The best medicine?” 

Brandon frowned, shaking his head, “Anyway, you’re lucky we picked you up. Apparently there are murderers around.”

“Oh yeah,” Avery furrowed his brows, “That’s-”   
“Shut up,” Angelica hissed, smacking her triplet on the arm and turning back to the adults, “That’s a real shame. How much do you know about the murderers?” 

“Oh, we don’t know anything, really,” Brandon shrugged, “We heard that it’s being written about in the newspapers, but we don’t read the newspapers. They’re just too depressing. After all, no news is good news!” After a moment, he softened a little, looking at Lilith mournfully, “Of course, I’ll get everyone who needs it checked in once we get to the hospital. The rest of you should maybe check out the Library Of Records that they have. It has information about pretty much everything you’d ever want to know. Perhaps you could learn more about the VFD you’re really looking for.” 

The children exchanged another look, Lilac nodding after a moment, “Okay. But I’m not sure it’s safe for any of us to actually get checked in to the hospital. We’re-”   
“I’ll take care of it,” Brandon interrupted, turning to the other adults, “You guys will have to work without me for a little bit, okay? I have some business to attend to, but I’ll join up with the rest of you when I can. Just make sure you’re spreading cheer, alright?”

“Brother,” The driver of the van called back, his voice cheerful but still somehow threatening, “Are you sure you’re making the best decision? We want to make sure that we’re  _ all _ spreading cheer, don’t we?”

Brandon winced, blinking his eyes rapidly several times. But after a moment he shook his head, looking as though he had broken out of a brief trance, and he neglected to answer the driver’s question. 

But it was alright because at just that moment, the van pulled up to Heimlich Hospital, everyone suddenly climbing out of the vehicle.

The children were the last to go, the children, and Brandon, who carried Lilith carefully scooped in his arms. 

The thirteen and Brandon stared at the hospital, which was really only half a hospital, half of it a grey and dismal building and the other half a mere skeleton, a beginning construction, a work in progress.

“The only morality in a cruel world is chance,” Dathan muttered quietly, and with that he made the first move towards the hospital, the rest following slowly after him. 


	27. Artists Can Break Whatever Laws They Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We vibin

“I don’t like hospitals,” Klaus said quietly, staring at the half building ahead of them. 

Turning to face Klaus, Dathan nodded seriously, “Two faces and two minds… Can’t fix them until they’re one, right? Right?”

The rest of the Spats gave quiet chuckles at that, and as they paused they all noticed for the first time that Richie seemed to have a bit of a limp. 

“Yeah, you need medical care,” Brandon sighed, shaking his head a little, “Lilith and Richie, you two are coming with me. Datha and Violet, I’m not sure exactly what to do for you two, so you have options. The rest of you can go to the Library Of Records. That is, of course, unless you want to come with us?”

Lilac spoke quietly, clearly unsure of herself, “I, uh, I want to go. To support them. But I… I can’t,” She looked at her siblings with wide eyes, her voice cracking, “I wanna be there for them but-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Veruca patted Lilac gently on top of the head, grabbing Carmelita and pulling her towards their cousin, “Carmelita and I will be there, and we’ll watch out for them. I’ll give you all the updates on how they are when I see you next, okay? You and I can pick a place to meet up tonight so we can exchange information, and then we can take it back to our groups without having to be all together. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Lilac finally breathed, “Okay. Thank you, Ver, thank you.”

Nodding, Veruca turned to her blonde siblings, the younger triplet set, “Now. Do you three want to come with us, or stay with the Baudelaires? You can do either, but I think it would be best if you three stay together, at least, so you can look out for each other.”   
The triplets didn’t speak, but Avery and Angelica knew that they were staying with the Baudelaires when they turned to see that Dathan was sitting on the ground between where Nick and Violet stood, hugging their legs tightly. 

“Yeah, okay,” Carmelita shook her head at them, ducking under Richie’s shoulder to help him walk, “You cakesniffers are too emotional. Come on, I’m gonna go be the specialest little medical assistant in the whole world!”   
“That’s not a real word,” Klaus said almost on impulse, looking like he hadn’t even realized he had spoken until he was done.

Carmelita scowled, her feet tapping rhythmically although she stayed in place, “Only cakesniffers care about real words, Baudeboy. I am an artist, and I am therefore beyond the laws of language. Or any laws at all, really.”

Klaus rolled his eyes at the redhead, but a peacemaking smile covered his face a moment after, “Okay, Carmelita. Whatever you say. Have you ever tried Irish step dancing? You so often move your feet while standing still, it seems like something you’d be good at.”

Looking utterly taken aback, Carmelita froze in her movement and simply stared at him. 

The two looked at each other for quite a while before finally, with a shake of his head, Nick shook Dathan off of his leg, wrapped his arm around his younger brother, and steered him away, calling behind him, “Don’t worry Red, you’ll get him one of these days. Deep breaths, Spats.”

“What do you mean by that?” Klaus questioned, attempting to look back at her, but Violet and Dathan were now blocking his view as everyone made their way inside, quiet chuckles the only response he got. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Shit,” Veruca slumped against the wall of the supply closet that she and Lilac were hidden away in, taking a deep breath.

“I know,” Lilac shook her head, “Olaf is here, we didn’t get to actually look at any of the information in the Library Of Records even though Hal the librarian let us in, there’s a file labelled Snicket that we need to see but has been put away somewhere we don’t know, your cousin Brandon left for the evening, and even though Lilith and Richie have been taken care of and are stable, they’re still injured and in danger. It’s a lot.”

Frowning, Veruca looked at her strangely, “What? No, I’m tired. I haven’t gone this long without a nap, ever. I mean, yeah, this is also not a great situation, but I wasn’t thinking about that.”

“Of course you weren’t,” With a roll of her eyes, Lilac leaned against the wall as well, letting Veruca rest her head on her shoulder, “You can sleep when you get back to the room with your brother and sister, don’t worry. I don’t think that Count Olaf would know that you three were separated for us, so you shouldn’t have to have anyone stand guard. We’re gonna be in the abandoned part of the building, the part that hasn’t been constructed yet.” 

Sleepily, Veruca stood up a little straighter and nodded, “Okay. Hey, take this,” She dug into her pocket, grabbing something and folding it into Lilac’s hand, “I snagged some snacks from the nurses’ lounge. You can ration it throughout the group, but make sure Angelica gets extra. If she doesn’t have at least eight cups of sugar a day her body has a pretty good chance of shutting down.”

“That can’t be healthy.”   
“Of course it’s not healthy,” Veruca scoffed, “Do you think anyone in my family is healthy? We have, like, the worst coping mechanisms on the planet.”

“Yeah, okay, that tracks,” Lilac shoved the food into the pocket of her dress skirt, smiling softly, “Stay safe, okay?”    
“You too,” Grinning, Veruca patted her on the shoulder, “See if you can get someone to steal the keys to the Library Of Records, okay? Sorry we took Richie out of the game.”

Lilac didn’t respond, merely shook her head and blew Veruca a kiss and then scrambled up into the air vents above them and climbed back to her siblings, Veruca chuckling quietly as she crept out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Avery grinned, pulling Soli onto his shoulders, “I’m so proud of you, kid.”

“I can’t believe that you and Richie taught her how to pick pockets,” Klaus grumbled, looking at his younger sister suspiciously.

Soli just giggled, raising the key ring that had just gotten them into the Library Of Records, “Easy. Hal trusts us, I’m cute, simple swap.” 

Violet made a squeaking noise, giving an approving nod, and Lilac shook her head and gasped, “I don’t approve of any of this. Right, Vi?”   
But Violet had turned away in a moment, busying herself once again with rifling through a filing cabinet. 

Lilac’s face dropped, and she turned back to her own drawer. 

The children had made their way into the Library Of Records easily enough, after Hal the librarian had found them hiding in the unfinished half of the hospital. 

Now they were looking through the many, many filing cabinets of the Library, desperate to find something, anything, that could help them. 

Well, most of them were.

Although Lilac was working, she was thinking about Violet. 

Her sister was… different.

She wasn’t connecting.

Was it her? Was there something wrong with Lilac? Had she somehow upset Violet? What did she do?    
Nick had been crying on and off for most of the day, usually just misty eyed but occasionally bursting into tears, usually whenever Lilac or Violet would speak, a word which means actually saying words, in the case of Lilac, or uncomfortable squawking noises, in the case of Violet. He now sat against a wall, curled against Dathan, who smiled unknowingly and mumbled about fires and gave Angelica smiley faced fruit gummies whenever she got through a whole file drawer. 

So Nick was reacting strangely to Lilac, just like Violet?

Well, fuck, Lilac thought to herself, exhausted. 

“We should try looking under F, for Fire,” Angelica suggested, motioning to the Baudelaires to move.

“And N, for nefarious,” Avery added, letting Solitude down to go help Sunny search.

“S,” Dathan said rather dreamily, petting Nick’s hair as softly as he could, “For Snicket.” 

Nick and Violet both stiffened, although Nick allowed himself to be calmed ever so slightly by Dathan, having decided that he didn’t mind physical affection so long as it came from someone who was baked out of their mind.    
Violet did not calm, but moved to one of the S filing cabinets to look for the Snicket File. Lilac moved at the same time, and the two placed their hands on the drawer, at the same time. 

“Sorry,” Lilac chuckled, beaming at Violet, “Sisterly connections, huh?”   
Say something, say something, say something, Lilac breathed deeply, hoping for the best.

Staring for a moment, Violet simply walked away, eyes focused anywhere but on her older sister. 

Why, why, why won’t she look at me, why won't she talk to me, why are Nick and Violet both being this way, what’s happening, what do I do, what do I do, why, why, why?

“Why won’t you even talk to me?” Lilac finally snapped, her expression almost broken.

Violet made a faint squeaking noise, her eyes a little watery as she looked up at Lilac. 

“Right,” Breathing deeply, the eldest Baudelaire shook her head, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Vi. I didn’t mean it like that. I just… it’s just that you seem like you’re avoiding me. You’re acting weird.”

Dathan looked up slowly, his expression mild, “That’s because she has something she wants to tell you. She just can’t.”

Nick shook his head, face still buried in Dathan’s shoulder, “You’re not supposed to talk about it, Spats. Violet wants to tell everyone herself, remember?”

With an indignant grunt, Violet nodded. 

“Ah,” Dathan smiled, patting Nick’s head gently, “My apologies. No family secrets until she can tell them herself. Good luck.”   
Violet scowled, taking a step towards where he was folded on the ground, but Klaus quickly stepped in front of her, “Hey, no. He’s drugged, remember? Don’t get mad until he’s sober again, at least. Please?”

Nodding, Violet’s shoulders softened as she looked back at Lilac, and as she turned away Lilac could have sworn that there were tears pooling at the edges of her sister’s eyes. 

Shit, shit, shit, shit. 

There was a silence in the room, a deep, penetrating silence, one that sent waves of discomfort, of unknowing, through everyone there. 

“VFD,” Sunny said finally, shattering the room with sound, the rest of the children slowly turning to her, nodding.

Klaus hurried to the V filing cabinet, wrenching open one of the drawers, and then, there it was…

The Snicket File. 

It was a film reel, dark and a little oily, but looking like it would run just fine. 

“I think there are some projectors,” Angelica said softly, taking a gummy smiley from Dathan, “Down at the end of the cabinet rows.”

They children gathered into a clump and made their way down the line, to the projectors, but then Nick was froze, shaking, “Do we… do we have to watch it right away?”   
Violet’s face was shiny with tears, her hand resting on Nick’s shoulder, and Dathan wrapped his arms around the Baudelaire boy.

What the hell was happening? The siblings of these childrens stared at each other, no idea what they were seeing. 

“Don’t worry,” Dathan said finally, and although they all knew that he was maybe just mumbling to himself, maybe talking to only Nick and Violet, maybe not meaning to talk at all, but they all felt like it was individually for them, “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” 

With that, Lilac started the film reel, and they watched Jacques Snicket’s face appear on screen. 

“That’s him?” Nick murmured, watching the man who spoke on the reel, sitting behind some type of desk. 

Violet gave a squeak, nodding, and Dathan said softly, “Yes.” 

A voice behind the camera was speaking, saying something labelling the man as Jacques Snicket, answering the question that had already been answered, as men are very apt at doing. 

“How is your brother?” The voice asked, and Violet was shrinking to the ground, Nick and Dathan wrapped, shaking around her. 

“He’s either dead or on the lam,” Jacques shrugged, something clouding his eyes for just a moment, “Either way, I doubt he minds much.” 

And then Violet was sobbing, a shriek coming out as she couldn’t get a grasp around her breathing. 

“What do we do?” Soli asked, looking anxiously at her older siblings, and Dathan.

“Keep watching,” Angelica murmured, looking at the strangely calm man in front of her. There was something familiar about his face, although she couldn’t quite determine what. 

“Mr. Snicket,” The voice behind the camera spoke again, “I’ll need you to share everything you know, everything about the Opera night, the fires, the gardens, and especially the orphans.”   
Jacques leaned forward, deeply serious, “Of course. But first, I have a very important update. It seems that there was a survivor of the fire.”

“What?” The children all gasped, looking at each other fretfully.

“Did, did he just?” Klaus sounded like he was choking on his words. 

“Did you just say-” The man behind the camera started.

Jacques nodded, “Yes. I think-”

“Oh my,” A figure stepped in front of the projector, and the children froze as Esme Squalor began to speak, “I absolutely adore the movies.”

Shit.

“Run,” Sunny yelled, and Soli slammed the projector off, and the children took off. 


End file.
